Thursday, September 29, 2005


I'm still trying to figure out if the duragesic is going to work. Meanwhile, I'm throwing up all the time, sleeping a whole lot and generally not feeling too good, because of the side effects. I'm still in alot of pain,too. But, there is one good thing that's happened out of all of this. I don't wake up with the migraines anymore. That's a joy. A real joy.

So, I talked to the doc's assistant yesterday and they're going to really increase the dosage of the duragesic. And, here's something really cool, they're refilling my prescription for dilaudid. That medicine completely dispels the pain for several hours. It's a miracle drug. I mean, it makes me pretty ditzy, but so what? I'd rather be a little forgetful than to be in pain. Now, if it made me totally stupid like the neurontin did, I would hate that and wouldn't take it.

This doctor is so cool. He doesn't make me feel like a loser for needing these meds, which are narcotics, by the way. He doesn't make me beg for help. He's just really, really cool with me.

Anyway, if I'm not leaving alot of blogs right now, that's why. I just have to get used to the side effects. I'm told that the sleepiness goes away after awhile, so then I'll be more alert and able to post.

I'm able to do it right now, because I'm out of my duragesic for a couple of days until I get the new prescription in the mail. I'm getting over the flu right now, so I'm not feeling so hot today and then, of course, a migraine started up, but I took dilauded right away. I just decided that I couldn't deal with both problems today. Anyway, so that's how I'm doing.

Friday, September 23, 2005


I'm sorry that I haven't been posting much over the past couple of weeks. I beg your indulgence. This new medicine, the Duragesic patch in particular, has made me so sleepy that I've been sleeping a whole lot during the day and night. And, when I am awake, I feel groggy and all I want to do is go back to sleep. This is a side effect and I've heard that it will go away in a couple of weeks. If it doesn't, then I'll have to try out a different medication. For now, I'm thankful for all of the rest, though. I feel like I'm making up for all the sleepless, pain-filled nights that I've had, especially over the past nine months, since my accident. This will be my last post possibly for another week. I'm giving myself two weeks to get over the s/e. If I'm not over them by then, then it'll be back to the drawing board. Ok, so, we'll meet back here in about a week, ok?

Friday, September 16, 2005

Bad Omens

My favorite animal is the elephant. This animal is one of the few animals who display the quality of compassion. They have long memories and honor their ancestors by returning time and again to the place of their death and inspecting their old bones. They fondle the bones, almost as if they were comforted that they were with them, and with obvious love. The mothers are very good and take wonderful care of their own children. If a mother in the herd dies, then another mother from that herd will immediately adopt her baby and will take care of it as if it was her own. They're quite extraordinary animals.

Because I love the elephant so much, my dream last night shocked me the more. I dreamed that a herd of elephants was stampeding over my head. I woke up with a start and tried to go back to sleep, but had the same nightmare over and over. I was awakened by a high pain level at 2:30am. I should have known. I took 2 dilauded and tried to go back to sleep.

It didn't help that after I got up for the medicine, my new kitten (about 3 months old, now), woke up and saw me. After that, she wanted me to get up and play with her, so she kept scratching at the door. I'm trying to get her used to staying in the living room with the other kitties while I sleep in the bedroom. She was getting to active in bed, so I know it's time for her to be out on her own. This is her first week. It's just like taking a baby off the bottle, folks. lol

So, I got up and squirted her, in a daze, with the watter bottle. She stopped scratching. But, the damage was already done. My other kitty, Grace, decided that she wanted me to get up and play with them, too. So, now she's scratching at the door. I got up to squirt her. You know what's funny about this? She ran away from the door and was laying down on the kitchen floor, trying to act innocent, by the time I got to the door, leaving the baby kitten, Keiko, standing at the door. Isn't that just like an older "sister"? When I was a kid, my brothers and I used to talk our youngest brother into going to ask my mom for something, because we knew she'd probably let us do whatever it was, if he asked. At least, that was our theory. lol

So, I went back to bed in a stupor and fell asleep. Of course, Grace came back and scratched at the door. This really pissed Stu off, so he ran around the living room, chasing her with the spray bottle, thinking a good dousing would calm her down. But, Grace is very stubborn and of course, that didn't disuade her. A couple hours later she did it again and this time, my husband was really angry. I could hear him chasing her and cussing, "Damn cats!". The last straw, for me, was when he chased her right into our bedroom where she decided to hide under my side of the bed. So, he's squatting down next to me, swearing, squirting and trying to catch her to put her out of the room.

I said, "Alright! I'm taking over from here. Go back to bed, Stu!". I was really irritated at this point. I'm in pain, trying to sleep with a migraine, doped up until I could barely see, my kitty is being very naughty (and unlike the baby, she knows better), and there's a madman chasing the cats around the house and under my bed. So, Stu went back to bed and I went out and calmly opened a can of soft food for the cats which got them busy with a quiet activity, eating. And, I went back to sleep on the couch. Now, let me ask you something. Why can I think of doing that, in a drugged up stupor, but a 47 year old, sane (?) man, not think of it? Is it a woman thing? Oy vey! Sometimes, I think it's probably good that he didn't have a baby.

Half an hour later, my daughter woke up and my husband came out of the room for breakfast, because he couldn't go back to sleep, and it was time for "Grand Central" to open. I am barely holding my sanity by this point and my eyes need toothpicks to stay open. Stu is pouting and fussing. Olivia is moving as slow as molasses in January and needs to put a hustle on, so she can leave for school on time. And, here I am, trying to keep her going, because Stu's already mad and I knew that he'd just get pissy with her for moving slow. I don't like Olivia to start her day off with getting balled out at home. It makes for a bad day. But, motivating her in the morning is an accomplishment worthy of a medal and I commend my husband for doing it every morning, without me.

Obviously, this was not a very good start to my day and here I am, still with a pain level of 7, contemplating whether or not to take more dilauded or fioricet or if I should just divorce my family and get custody of the cats, (kidding), nauseaus as all get out, wanting it to all just go away.

Do you think that having a dream about Elephants squashing your head could be a bad omen? It certainly isn't very auspicious, is it? Oh, hep meh, hep meh Jesus! as my mama used to say.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Mixed Results, So Far

Well, I put the patch on my lower back on Monday, late afternoon. I've now woken up two mornings in a row without a migraine. I've been able to sleep pretty solidly, once I go to bed, too. I think the patch is starting to work.

Now, Monday, I did have to use the dilauded, but that was moot, because it just didn't do anything for me at 4mg in the pill form. It was completely different than getting the injections. Bummer, right?

Tuesday, I was fine until about 1:30 pm. Then it came on pretty strong, so I decided to cheat with the dilauded and take two pills at once, instead of taking one every three hours. Guess what? It worked. I was completely pain free, only somewhat groggy, and I stayed pain free for the rest of the day! It was so awesome! I could feel the depression lift as the pain lifted. It was like a heavy coat was being taken off of me.

The only downside to the duragesic, so far, is the horrendous nausea. I've been dry-heaving and throwing up. You know what, though? I'm fine with that. I'd take no head pain and overwhelming nausea any day of the week. I have phenergan which I just took. I don't like to take it during the day, because it makes me fall asleep and I don't like to sleep during the day, or when Olivia's at home with me, because I'm always worried that if there were an emergency, I wouldn't be aware of it. I'd rather keep rushing to the toi every 20 minutes instead. But, after she's in bed, I have no problem with taking the med and it works really well.

The other s/e the duragesic has is to make you extremely sleepy, but I only experienced that yesterday. Today, I wasn't tired at all. I feel really good about this.

Now, if I could just get my neck to loosen up. It's really stiff and I think it's making things worse. But, really, I'm very happy about this stuff so far. I hope it continues to be effective and that I'm not just having a couple of good days. I get a good day or two about every 6 or 7 months.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Another Ghastly Nightmare

I woke up this morning because of a bad dream. I believe that most dreams accomplish a few things: 1) it's like our brains taking out the garbage and B) it's to tell us about ourselves, our innermost desires and thoughts, and our physical condition and 3) rarely, to warn us of the future. I've studied dream interpretation and it always seemed to come naturally to me before that.

Early this morning, I dreamt that I was babysitting a baby and a friend came over to visit. He lit a cigarette in the bathroom, on the sly, and, we didn't know there was a gas leak in the house so it exploded with all of us in it. I saw myself burned to death and just before it reached the baby, I threw it out the door in order to possibly save it. No doubt that that didn't turn out so good either.

Here's the interpretation of my nightmare:

Baby's are symbolic of a new change in your life, or a new idea, or something you're about to grow. I used to have lots of baby dreams when I was starting up a new business. In my "free" time, I used to help people start-up their businesses and I ran two of my own.

The explosion, obviously, was my migraine. I woke up with a level 6 migraine, a stiff neck and an occular migraine, pain level 8. It's going to be one of those days, again.

My friend, (who isn't really my friend anymore, because he cheated on his wife, who was my best friend at the time), doing what he did, was a symbol that I don't feel like I have control over my own life or body right now.

Burning to a crisp was very painful and I think another image of my migraine.

I think the baby symbolized my new medication and how I wanted to take care that the new plan wouldn't be ruined by the other aspects of my life and health. I was very worried about the baby in my dream and it symbolizes my anxiety about whether this new medication is actually going to work when I start it.

So, there you have it in a nutshell, I'm very nervous right now and I hope the meds will work. My mother-in-law is going to pick them up for me today and I'll start the new treatment plan this afternoon or tomorrow morning depending on the directions. I can't wait to start it, but at the same time, I can't help the accompanying anxiety.

Now, I'm going to go meditate on openness and being receptive of the good that is going to come my way, if not by this treatment, then by another. I'm going to meditate on my worthiness to be free from pain and suffering.

Friday, September 09, 2005

THE Appointment

Dr. R, my new pain management doctor, was a very compassionate soul, I thought. I went into his office without expectation, reminding myself to stay present, not to prejudge, to be open, to listen to understand. After exchanging our greetings we sat down and he asked a few questions to make sure that all the information I'd sent to them was accurate. Then, he asked about the treatments I'd been given in the past and noted that I'd tried everything that was in my own power (ie accupuncture, massage, chiropractic, other natural remedies, everything short of seeing a shaman) to get rid of the pain.

Then he told me that he felt my head had gotten worse in the past year and that's why the trigger shots no longer worked as well. That it had nothing to do with the medications used in the injections. This can be good or bad, depending on how you look at it. It's good that it wasn't the medications that weren't working, ie I wasn't building some weird tolerance to it. Bad that my head is worse than it was. It's hard to imagine, but I think he's right. When you're on a downward spiral, you're on your back, looking up and you see the past while you are falling into your future. Your perception can be somewhat out of whack.

I told him that the fioricet wasn't helping me a bit after he'd mentioned that he didn't want to change it if it's working for me. I said that it only stabilized the pain, most of the time, rather than take it away or subdue it. That's when he started talking about other options. I'm not going to be an easy patient, because of all my allergies to medicines, but, apparently, there are options open to us. So, he prescribed Dilauded tablets, Duragesic patches, and Toradol injections to use when absolutely necessary. I'm really happy that he prescribed the Toradol, because it means that I'll be able to treat my pain at home and won't have to make a trip to the doctor's office for the shots.

What I liked most about him is that he's most concerned with increasing my quality of life. Of course, that's my main goal, too, so we're on the same page. I didn't feel like I was having to beg for help and he didn't make me feel like a low-life or a drug-addict just looking for a dealer. It was well worth the trip, I think. Now, I just have to wait and see if the meds will work. I really hope they do, but if they don't Dr. R. wants me to call and let him know and we'll try something else. I have another appointment with him in 2 months.

I left his office feeling like my dignity was intact, I was seen as a human who is suffering, and like something had actually been accomplished at the appointment. It was overall a good experience. I learned a good lesson about being open.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

The Countdown Continues

Only 2 more days until my appointment with the pain management specialist, Dr. R. I really hope he knows what he's doing, because I'm in so much freaking pain right now that you wouldn't believe it. I'm already starting to put some faith in him, so I just hope he's not a big disappointment. I need out of the hell I'm in constantly.

Pain Level is at a 6 today, it's let up some.

Monday, September 05, 2005

My Continuing Edjicashun

Hah! I learned how to make opium from poppies today. Never know when that kind of information might come in handy. Things that make you go "hmmm".

Sunday, September 04, 2005


Ok, I have repented of my obstinate point of view, thanks to a friend's enlightening me. I've decided that when I go to see this new doc, I will practice the art of listening first and talking second, which is something I should do all the time. After giving him my symptoms and telling him about what I'm going through, I'll wait for his response and listen to his point of view and recommendations, before I assert myself about any bizarre treatments he may suggest. I don't want to be a guinea pig, but I also don't want to turn him off before he gets the chance to help me. After all, it's not his fault that I've had to see a bunch of idiots before him. And, who knows, maybe, just maybe, he'll have something original to say. So, thank you, my friend, for helping me to control my temper and to see that I may be pre-judging him on what has happened in the past. I have to stay present in reality. That is the most important thing.

Friday, September 02, 2005


It's definately not a good sign when you wake up with a level 7 migraine. It doesn't bode well for the day. I've already taken all my meds that I can, so hopefully it won't get worse. The sucky thing is that it most likely won't get better, either.

Only 6 more days until my appointment. I'm getting a little nervous again. My mantra is becoming, "I hope he's not a prick". It's too negative, but it's also realistic, since, in my experience 9 out of 10 doctors suck.

I guess I'm going to be on the couch, on ice and on drugs for the rest of the day.