Thursday, June 08, 2006

Bleak Future or Transitional Phase?

I've been doing alot of thinking lately, but that's not knew. It's probably my biggest vice that I think too damned much about everything. People have told me that my whole life. lol "You think too much about stuff" or "You're overthinking this..." So, yeah, it's my, uh, weakness, I guess.

But, you know how I said I was in a funk and really I didn't realize it would last so long. Well, it did, though and I think that's the first time I've actually felt depressed in my life. Isn't that weird? I feel so gloomy about all this stuff so often and THIS is when I thought I was depressed? Don't ask me, because I don't get it either. I literally couldn't shake it, didn't want to talk to anyone and the biggest clue was that I stopped playing my game. (Let me know when you've revived. Fainting is completely understandable in this situation. lol)

But, I'm feeling better lately, like the cloud has passed on at least. However, during that time I came to several conclusions about my life and I'll share one of them with you right now. (Big build up, right? Well, try not to be too disappointed by what comes next, because, no, I didn't get The Key or figure IT out, sorry.) I have accepted, completely, that my situation is likely not to change in the future and for that reason, I need to either adapt or die. I mean, that's what evolution is, adapting to changes. And, I had to believe for myself that I do have other talents, other things that I can offer the world, besides how I previously defined myself. My life has been split, very definitively, into ba and aa, Before Acccident and After Accident.

So, I've decided that I really need to earn my keep again. I can't stand this feeling of uselessness, like I'm just biding my time until Death comes to carry me home or whatever, right? I can't live like that. That sucks and it's a bad attitude anyway. Imean, it probably won't happen, but what if my dh left me, or worse, if he died? Who'd pay the bills? Besides, I hate living on one income. It sucks. I need money to be happy.

Yeah, that's right, I said it. I need money and lots of it. So, I'm going back to school, again, and let's hope that third time's the charm, right? I'm going to take an accellerated learning program, online, because I do really well with those kinds of classes. I get bored if I have to wait around for everyone else in class to catch up with me. lol And, they're willing to work with me, within reason, if I need to take a day off here and there it won't create any real hardship, so my grades won't suffer too much because of my head pain. Still working out all the details and need to have it all finalized by August. So, I'll update you around that time.

I mean, if I can't be out there doing, then at least I can still do something. I'll figure out what my limitations are while I'm doing my schooling, too, so I'll know exactly what kind of work to look for after I graduate. The program is a five year course, but I think I can finish it in two and have my bachelors degree. The uni is accredited in the UK, so I don't know what that means over here. I may have to take an extra legal course out here if I go to work for a paper or magazine or something, but I really want to work freelance. The pay will suck big time, most of the time, but the more I output the more I'll bring in, so I should be able to contribute well enough. I just got to thinking how, from the age of 12, I paid for everything for myself. I even used to help buy groceries for our family when we were really broke from my babysitting money sometimes. I paid for anything I wanted to do, swimming, clothes, school pictures, yearbooks, christmas and birthday gifts. Then, when I turned sixteen, I insisted on paying rent when I worked to my parents. It wasn't much, but I'm sure it helped. And, still I took care of all my own personal needs and pitched in whatever extra I could when we needed it to the family's funds, usually in winter. I've never been a slouch. I've never been afraid of hard work and I've always paid my own way in life. I really hate the idea that a guy is "taking care" of me, too. That really sticks in my craw in a big way. And, yeah, I know, he's my husband and he isn't complaining...much. lol jk But, seriously, he's accepted it because nothing else could be done about it. Well, I still may not be able to move around much, cuz of the pain (which I also plan to change in the near future, but we'll save that for another post), but the pain killers and the patch really do help bring the level down enough that most days I can concentrate on my writing and reading, I've found. So, since that seems to be sustaining, I'm going to pursue writing and hopefully I'll find a new career for myself in it.

A quick update on my health: the pain's been pretty bad lately, again, and I'll probably have to go up on my dosage with the patch at my next doc's appointment if I can hold out til the end of the month. I really don't want to do that, because it makes me so sleepy, but it's either that or go back to losing my insanity from the pain and we can't have that when I have these other plans, can we?

This is really scary, you know? I haven't told anyone else, so try to keep this info under your belts, ok? I don't want to have to talk about it, just in case I am a total failure. At least, if that happens I'll be the only one who knows it and I won't have to put up with that look you get when people feel sorry for you. You know which one I'm talking about? Yeah, that's the one. That look. And, if I'm successful, it'll just be a nice surprise one day when I hand over a fat check to dh and say, Here honey, this should help.

Besides, I dont' think I want to deal with the nagging that comes along with all that expectation. Ugh. Thanks anyway. So, there you have it. From my mouth to whatever. Anyway, that's the plan at this point and I'll let you know how it all unfolds. (Did I tell you? I finished chapter 1 and the prologue of my novel? Rough draft form, but they're written. Feels good.)

So, have you had to change your self-perception lately? If so, what happened and how'd you deal with it? How do you feel now about your conclusions?


At 7:45 PM, Blogger Angel said...

I'm so sorry the pain has been bad :(

But WOOHOOOOO! I am so happy for you--You should be SO PROUD of yourself about going back to school! Is there any way you qualify for extra help because of your headaches? Just thinking, like extra time on tests or whatever. Don't be afraid to ask!

I'd love to go back to school, but no money for it right now. I have to admit, I'm still struggling with acceptance of the headaches.

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