Fed Up!
It's been awhile since I've posted. I've just been in so much pain. The pl is at a 7 or above everyday right now. I'm spending alot of time stoned. Ugh! Right now, I'm doped up so hopefully this will make sense, but I doubt it.
I am so desperate for pain relief right now. I want it so badly that it makes me cry. Crying's not good when you have a migraine, because it makes your head hurt worse.
My diet sucks. I'm living on, basically, crackers and chicken wantan soup.
It's so hard to deal with life right now. I don't want to hear about anyone else's problems. My husband comes home with probs from work that he wants to talk out and all I want to do is hide. My daughter is naughty and I just don't even want to deal with disciplining her. My sister in law called today and told me how their whole family caught the flu and had 100 degree temperatures this weekend and all I want to say is, "Big Deal". I'd take the flue and a high temp anyday compared to the hell I'm living in. But, that's not practicing compassion or love and so I really try. It's stupid to have to TRY to show love and that it takes so much effort to just listen and concentrate on someone else's pain. Hell, it's hard to concentrate on anything right now.
I feel more and more cynical lately. The cynicism is running deep. I have no faith in the medical profession to help me, yet something deep inside, beneath even the cynicism, makes me continue searching for relief. I still am delusional enough to think that maybe I'll have my life back someday--a real life, free of pain and financial disaster.
I filed for bankruptcy this week and it was such a relief to get that over with.
I feel like a slug. I can't do anything. Tried to stand and do the dishes the other night, but the smells just enveloped me in nausea, and my head hurt even more just from the strain of standing up. I miss my nice, neat, clean home. It's such a mess. My daughter cleans, but she's only 12 and doesn't see the dirt that I see. You know how it is. My husband is neat, but he works late hours and I like him to relax when he is home. He still does alot.
Who knew the day would come that I'd actually miss being able to clean my bathroom and vaccuum the floors. But, really, cleaning's always been a meditative activity for me. I'm one of those weirdos who doesn't mind doing it. But, I'm not a fanatic. I'm not like gung ho and wanting to clean constantly, like some kind of stepford wife. lol
So, that's it. Story of my life right now. The meds aren't taking away the pain, but most of the time they do maintain my pain level (pl) so that it doesn't get worse. I'm just completely fed up with this whole shitty situation.
4th Stage of Grief
Well, I think I've finally reached the stage of depression. At least I know that the next stage is acceptance and I hope this stage doesn't last too much longer.
I'm in so much pain lately. I'm finding that I'm crying alot. I'm losing interest in playing The Sims. That's a big sign, because I absolutely adore that game. I'm losing interest in everything. My head is killing me. I have no control over that. I have no options for getting better at this point and I really feel stuck financially and physically.
I don't want to talk to anyone and my responses and communication feel automatic. I'm not sleeping very much, either. I'm not laughing very much. Crying doesn't help the pain, either. I need help or a miracle or something. I need some kind of comfort or relief, anything.
My head hurts so badly. I should be used to this by now. The meds don't seem to be working very well, if at all. I'm finally going to be able to get my imitrex on Friday. With the state funded insurance, I'll only be able to get two injections, but at this point I'll take anything. I know it won't last long, but at least it's something.
I'm so tired of hurting ALL the time. My head is killing me, my eyes feel like corkscrews are being rammed into them and I'm so nauseaous that I can't do much more than lay down on the couch.
I'm writing this blog today, because I think it's important for people to know what a migraneur and someone who suffers with chronic pain goes through. It's really important. The other reason is I'm hoping that by writing, I'll have some emotional release and will feel a little better that way.
I called my mom's pastor recently. He's a good man and really tries hard to serve his people. (Doesn't even take a salary). Anyway, he said that I should pray for others because it will make me feel better. So, I'm going to start praying for other migraneurs, mentioning each one specifically by name. I've always been a believer that if you give, you will receive a reward in return. The reward may not be relief from pain. The Bible doesn't say what kind of reward you'll receive or what part of your life it'll effect. But, I'm going to follow his advice today. What do I have to lose? I don't have anything else to do, anyway.
If you're a migraine sufferer and are reading this, please respond in the comments area and I'll pray for you. Jesus is my healer and healing is the bread of his children. The Word doesn't say what kind of healing I'll receive. But, I hope it will relieve the stress I'm under in one way or another.
Oh, man, how my head hurts today. I'm in so much pain. When will these stupid drugs kick in? That's a rhetorical question, because I know that they won't even begin to kick in for another couple of hours, if at all. I may be in for another visit to the hospital or doc's office, today.
I wish this would end. But, I have to deal with reality and stay in the moment. I'm learning to take life day by day by day.
What is an Aura?
You hear migraneurs talk about having an aura before a migraine hits. It sounds like some sort of new age term, something flaky and not real, something weird. In fact an aura is a very real part of migraine and is jargon for the symptoms leading up to a full blown migraine attack.
My aura typically includes the following:
Nausea
Extreme Chill
Seeing flashing red spots
Seeing lightening bolts
Fatigue
Grouchiness (believe it or not, I'm not always a rageaholic, lol)
Difficulty concentrating
Desire to be alone (I'm a sociable person, so this is contrary to my usual personality)
I have an aura today, so I know that my migraine is going to get much worse. I won't be surprised if I end up in the ER over the weekend or, if I can hold out that long, in the doc's office by Monday morning.
The symptom I hate the most is the horrendous nausea that I get. I don't usually throw up. I wish I did, because I always think it would relieve some of the nausea. But, I take alot of medications for my IBS with constipation that push everything downwards, so I can never get anything to come up. I've even tried to make myself throw up and I can't. Unfortunately, I do get the dry heaves sometimes.
Oh, too graphic for you? Well, I'm glad. I want people to understand what migraneurs go through and it seems the only way to do that, the only way that you can possibly understand is if you can see it so poignantly that it is engraved in your mind until you can
feel it yourself. So, don't turn a blind eye to the graphic descriptions. Memorize them. Open your mind and heart until you feel it in your own body, so that you may cultivate the compassion and empathy to understand our plight. Our plague.
I'm Pissed Off!!!
I'm really angry today. I've heard so much lately about family, friends, medical staff and physicians who are unsupportive, to say the least, of their "loved one" or "patient" who is suffering from migraines. Migraine Disease is the most misunderstood and ignored disease in this country, no kidding! Doctors have from one paragraph to 1/4 page, in all their years of education, on migraines, in their text books, (first hand knowledge from a doctor friend). And other people just don't want to "deal" with a friend or family member who's in pain.
Is it because we're all too busy to care about other people these days? Is it because we blame the victim? I know someone whose mother blames her for
making herself have a migraine. There is no such thing as a migraneur who
wants migraine!
Another friend who suffers from chronic migraines, wrote today to say that she read about a chronic migraneur, went through the following situation:
"She'd had a Migraine that didn't respond to her triptans or rescue meds, so he'd taken her to the ER. They immediately encountered a problem when, because he was neither her spouse nor medical power of attorney, he wasn't allowed to accompany her to the exam room. They decided not to push the point for fear of seeming "difficult." James told me he was, "shocked beyond words when she came back out in less than half an hour." Sadly, she didn't come out so quickly because she'd gotten quick and effective treatment. On the drive home, she told James that a doctor she'd never seen before had treated her. He'd come into the exam room, checked her reflexes, and told the nurse what kind of injection to give her. Janice told him another doctor there had tried that before, it didn't work, and asked him to call her doctor, who was glad to receive such calls. The ER doctor replied, "I'm not calling anyone. I know how to treat people like you." By that time, the nurse was back, and gave her the injection. Both the doctor and nurse left. The nurse returned with Janice's discharge papers. When Janice objected to being discharged because she felt no better, the nurse left, and the doctor returned. He told her to "vacate that bed for people who really need it" or he'd call security."How pathetic is it that we have to kill ourselves to be out of pain? This disease is so frustrating, because there isn't a cure, there is very little research or research funding to find answers, and to top that off we are treated like the scum of the earth because of our disease. This is the ultimate in discrimination. It's horrifying and I really, really wish that we would be heard by the medical community and society as a whole who turn deaf ears on our pleas for effective relief! What a humiliating experience Janice had. Yet, that happens constantly to migraneurs. I've heard from so many migraneurs who've had like experiences, you'd be amazed. This wasn't Janice's first experience like this, but she made sure that it was her last. This should horrify every person who reads this.
Please, if you read this blog, I beg you to start discussing it at the dinner table, with friends, with your doctors. Even if you don't have migraines, you can help by simply beginning discussions. Since the days of Plato, discussion has begun the snowball of opening minds and getting men to think about affairs. If you're really ambitious, please write to your local hospitals and ask the administrator about their policy for treating migraneurs. Asking questions jogs the mind.
That's all I can say for now. My heart is broken over this situation and another similar one that I heard about today, so that is all I can say.
Character v. Personality
As I'm sure you can tell, if you've been reading this blog, I've been thinking alot about "character" for quite awhile. Is the pain that I'm in changing my character? And if so, in what way? And can I choose the way that it changes me? Or is it up to fate which way my character changes and which parts of it change? What will the end result be, when, or if, I am ever released from this suffering? Will it be worth it?
Yousaf Karsh was a photographer. He was born in 1908 and grew up during the Armenian Massacres, until he was brought to Canada, by an uncle, in 1928. His take on character is, "
Character, like a photograph, develops in darkness."
That's a very significant and profound statement. When you learn logic, one of the tests you learn to find fallacic statements is to turn a statement around and see it the opposite. So, to take this statement and do flip it would be to say that, without Darkness, character cannot develop. There is no other way that true character can develop other than through suffering. If I haven't suffered, my character hasn't developed and I'm simply imitating the way that others whom I admire or love behave. That's not true character. That's counterfeit, and what we'd call "personality" or "charysma". The problem with imitation is that, often, their vices as well as their beatitudes become yours, just as if you were forging a painting. It's not original and a studied expert can easily see through it with only a few tests. Once put under the microscope, all the "sins" show through. You didn't go through the toil, angst, patience and persistence, the
frustration that the artist went through. You fail the test miserably and usually publicly.
Character is owned. Charysma and personality are fleeting, coming and going like a chameleon or a shadow. You are like a parasite, feeding off of another's product, rather than an independent organism with your own will to act.
Abraham Lincoln said it like this, "
Character is like a tree and reputation like its shadow.
The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing."
If this is true, then personality is like it's leaves. They can be blown around by the wind, falling to the ground without a fight. Sheep have personality. They're cute and fuzzy and conjure up warm images from childhood, and they are reactive. They will panic when a wild animal comes near. A shepherd is not reactive. He is active. Instead of running away from danger, he is bold and faces it. He always takes the offensive. He doesn't listen to his panicking sheep, saying to himself," Everyone else is running, so should I." Instead, he faces the danger head on with a plan of attack and reflexes ready from practice and mental preparation, ready for battle and whatever fears that rise up in him are squelched, because he knows his purpose, the reason he is is to care for and protect the flock. The sheep wouldn't need him if they had character. This is why character in a leader is extremely important. Character protects. Personality is temporary, changes it's colors and fades with the seasons. But the tree always remains. When all is said and done, the only truly faithful and eternal lover you have is your character.
It seems that in spite of what I want, Character is teaching me, forced upon me without my permission. As
Ralph Waldo Emerson has said, "
Character teaches above our wills." I would like to add that it is often taught despite of our wills.
I see all the flaws in my character-impatience, resentment, giving up, unforgiveness, did I mention impatience? (It's my biggest fault), pride (another biggie, that I have in common with all of mankind), to name a few. I am sure that I will find many, many more as time marches on. Would I have seen clearly these vices if I had not had this experience with Darkness? Would I have wanted to?
Character is like the beam from a lighthouse. It goes out from you and illuminates everything around you. You see the truth when you have a strong, unyielding and just character. Likewise, that lumination is seen by others and they are drawn to you during their own storms. Character gives you the firmness and fortitude to weather life's storms, so that no matter how great the waves, or how heavy they are, and how many pummel against you, you will remain standing, solid.
Does that mean that I remain unchanged? No. Just like a rock is tossed about in the sea and finally deposited in the sand on the shore. Over time, the edges are softened and then the sand irritates the rock and chafes it, until the rock has turned to glass. But, a solid rock, doesn't break. It changes, but it doesn't break.
Character and Courage seem to be inseperable. Best friends. Brothers, even. I think that without courage you cannot allow yourself the space for your character to grow. And, without Character, you cannot possibly be courageous, because, like quicksand, you'll collapse in the first rain that falls upon you. Personality can be deceptive that way. When you see it, it seems like it's the real thing and not dangerous. You may not even realize that what you've relied on is
personality until you're up to your waist in it. And by that time, you realize that you're not prepared for the worst, yet it's there. Funny thing about quicksand is that the more frantic you get and struggle, the faster it pulls you under.
Until Character is tried, we don't know what the result of it is. "
One never gets to know a person’s character better than by watching his behavior during decisive moments.... It is
always only danger which forces the most deeply hidden strengths and abilities of a human being to come forth."
Stefan Zweig (18811942), Austrian writer. And haven't we seen that poignantly outlined against the darkness during the recent Tsunami event in South Asia?
Fortunately, Character doesn't only illuminate the negatives, but it illuminates everything in your life and that includes your virtues as well. I wonder if Character is a by product of Truth? Is it a cousin to love?
"...
and on our character we build our destiny."
Henry Hancock, Dean, St Mark’s Cathedral
Two Blog Day
While some people have a two martini day, sometimes, I have a two blog day. lol
I'm on drugs right now. Don't worry, they're prescription, legal. So if this doesn't make sense, I might have to edit it tomorrow. Oy!
I was just thinking about how much pain I'm in and how easy it would be to accidentally overdose on my meds. I would never do it on purpose. When you're in chronic intense pain you just want to be out of pain so desperately.
I'm really good about keeping a medicine diary now. I write down when I took my last dose and how much, so that when I get desperate, I can look on the fridge and see that, hey, can't take any more for two hours, or whatever. I'm glad that I'm doing this, because awhile back I wasn't doing it and when you're feeling really dopey, time passes or doesn't pass and you can't tell the difference. Awhile back I'd o.d.'d at least twice by accident.
Strangely enough, it wasn't because of the migraines that I o.d.'d. I am a chronic insomniac and would stay up, sometimes for two weeks straight (and I was working, taking care of my fam, etc, the whole time). After 5 days, I would get so desperate for sleep, I'd take my sleeping pills. Usually they'd help and I'd at least get a nap, but when they didn't, well, it was absolute hell. I remember one time that I'd taken the correct dose of pills. They weren't working, so I drank some wine (a glass full of 13 proof). That didn't work. So then, stupidly, I took some benedryl, percocet that I had left over from a surgery. Didn't work andI figured that it had been enough time since I'd taken the first dose so, I could take some more of my sleeping pills.
I didn't wake up the next morning. I slept all that night, all the next day until my husband came home from work. He'd been freaking out, because he couldn't get hold of me by phone. When he came home he tried to wake me up, but I was still asleep. I guess he took my pulse and was assured that I was still alive, but he told me later that I was breathing shallowly. I did finally wake up later that night for about an hour and then went back to sleep, I guess. I think he was mad at me for a few days after that, because he wouldn't talk to me very much. I felt really bad and swore I'd never do that again.
Well, it did happen once more and that time, my husband was smart enough to call the paramedics when I passed out. After that, I wised up and checked myself into a sleeping clinic where they evaluated my sleep problems. Then they worked out a treatment plan that's all natural for me. I was thrilled and tapered off of the pills completely.
Anyway, I guess, because of the amount of pain I'm constantly in right now, the temptation is to take more and more meds, until it gets rid of the pain. I just went to the fridge before I sat down to write this blog to see if I could take more, yet. It's only been 2.5 hours since my last dose (obviously it's not working very well), which means I have a minimum of 2 more hours until I can take any more meds. That's why I'm glad that I keep a migraine diary now. It is saving my life, in a strange sort of way. Because right now, I'm so desperate to be out of pain, that I'd probably just keep taking the pills, not thinking about how many hours it's been since my last dose, focused on only getting rid of the pain. Thank god for my migraine diary. Two blog days are rough, but at least I can count on the diary to keep me safe and alive, because I have "someones" to live for.
Decisions, Decisions, Decisions
I have this big decision to make. It's one that I don't feel that I should have to make. You know, when I was in business, I would make a point to help out some less than fortunate people who really needed our help-whether it was allowing them to make small payments on our services for however long they needed, or giving a generous discount, etc. There were times when we even helped out for free and just took it as a tax write off for those who really, really needed it and were obviously too poor to afford our services. I felt like that if you give it comes back to you and truly it did. Whenever I did that, we ended up with at least 10 referrals from those customers to their friends who'd do business with us-and pay!
Anyway, here I am, with state insurance, and unable to find a neurologist in all of northern Cali that will take it. I've called everywhere from the Bay area to Redding. It's totally amazing. My doc's tried to get me in to the teaching hospitals and they're so booked up that they couldn't even make an appointment for the next 3-4 months! And that's to
make an appointment. It would be 2-4 months after that that I'd even get to go in for the appointment.
So, I'm stuck. Completely stuck. There's nothing more frustrating than not having any choices or control over your life or your body.
My doc, a gp, has found a pain management doc that she trusts. I don't know if he's specifically for head and neck pain or just general pain mgt. Anyway, he doesn't take state insurance, (of course), but he did offer to teach her how to do the trigger point shots. Those shots are what I need. When I get those, it decreases my migraines by about 85%, and when I get a migraine, it doesn't last as long and it's not as intense as it is now.
So, here I am. Do I wait until possibly the end of the year to be free from the pain? Or do I put my trust in someone inexperienced in doing these shots? It's scary because the shots go into my brain. I am so desperate to be out of intense pain right now that I just feel that I don't have a choice. The decision is made for me, really, I guess. I guess I just have to hope and pray that it doesn't puncture an area that shouldn't be punctured. I have problems trusting people already, but it seems that I'm continually challenged in life to trust people I don't really know (although, this doc is fabulous and I feel like I know her, because she's told me about her life and kids, etc.).
What to do, what to do? It's agonizing to have to make decisions like this.
Just Say No
I have a very mild form of Bipolar 2 disorder. I'm on one medication, now, that works ok. Honestly, I can't tell just how well it works, because I'm in pain so much, but it does make me feel more peaceful inside, so I guess it's working.
My doc told me that she knows of a better med and got me pumped up to take it. Well, she gave me some samples the other day, but then warned me that after a couple months it'll make me hungry
all the time.
Well, why the hell would I want to be hungry constantly for? It's bad enough that, even though I hardly eat, because I'm constantly nauseaous, I still don't lose any weight because I have a thyroid disorder, now I want to take a med that most likely will make me gain weight?
Not!
It's this idea that because the new drug might "
change your life" that you should ignore the significant side effects. It also makes me think of people who are desperate for pain relief and will allow their doc's to put them on Oxycontin. Oxy is almost as addictive as heroine and just as hard to kick. I hate that drug with a passion, because I've seen it ruin so many people's lives.
Why should I switch to a drug that
maybe will make my life better, when the one I have now is fine and doesn't have freaky side effects? I'm going to tell my doc, "Thanks, but no thanks," next time I see her and give her back the samples.
Just because something can be done, doesn't necessarily mean we should do it. And sometimes you have to take a stand on something,
especially when it pertains to your health, and just say, "No".
What's so Damn Funny?
Sometimes, I try to find the humor in being a chronic migraneur. The operative word being, "try". But, most of the time I fail. I wish I was a comedienne. They seem to be able to find humor in everything around them.
I wish I were Bill Cosby, who would find humor in people's reactions to the pain or to me. I wish I were Jerry Lewis, who would make fun of the pain. I wish I were Jerry Seinfeld, who would make fun of the way the pain affects my life. I wish I were Mae West, who would have sex and sexiness no matter how much pain she's in. lol
But, you know, I just can't figure out what's so damn funny about migraines?
Ignorance is Bliss
"So, how are you today?" the doctor asks.
I wonder, "Is this a rhetorical question or does he really want to know?" I decide to treat it as if he really wants to know.
"Well," I begin,
"My head feels like a coconut that's being banged against a rock until it cracks and it's insides come gushing out.
As if a vice were constantly squeezing my head, squeezing and squeezing;
and at the same time, corkscrews are being shoved into my eyeballs and turning, screwing through them;
while ice-picks are being jabbed through the back of my head toward the front.
I cry and plead for Madness to overwhelm me, if only I could succomb? Then it would overtake me and I would enter the blissful ignorance of the insane who don't even know that they're sick."
"And how are you, Doctor?"
So Fragile
One of the most frustrating thing about being in chronic pain is how fragile you are and how acutely aware of it you are.
Oh, don't look up or down, don't look side to side--you'll get a migraine!
Oh, don't bend your head--you'll get a migraine!
Oh, don't move too much--you'll get a migraine!
Oh, don't read a book--you'll get a migraine!
Oh, don't drink caffeine--you'll get a migraine!
Oh, don't eat chocolate, red meats, nuts, wheat, dyes, drink wine--you'll get a migraine!
Oh, don't go outside where the sun is bright--you'll get a migraine!
Oh, don't turn on too many lights or bright lights indoors--you'll get a migraine!
Oh, make sure to get enough sleep or--you'll get a migraine!
Oh, don't wake up or you'll find that you still have your migraine!
Soooo fragile!
On the Hook
Well, I'm not off the hook. I had to go to the doc's for treatment again, yesterday. You know, I'm finally wising up. I went before it got to a 9. I felt like a dork, but so what? The medicine worked so much better and faster, I couldn't believe it. In less than 2 minutes, I felt fine. I slept all day yesterday, all night last night and all day today until 2pm. I might go back to sleep again in a little while, too. It's all I want to do right now. Samatha: Stop and rest. Let my body rest. I'm doing that meditation. Sometimes doing something good for yourself is actually not doing anything.
I wish I were out of pain, but my reality is that I'm not. It makes it easier to deal with knowing that I can journal, here, and get those feelings and worries out of my system so that I am able to allow myself to fully rest.
Anger
Some people think that you should never get angry. Others think that getting angry is mean and isn't "nice". Those people are wrong. We have all of our emotions for a reason, even anger.
Anger is a very motivational emotion. Without it, change would not be effected. Without it, we would stagnate. Anger gives us the impetus to make a move, to cause change, to make a difference.
When the attacks occurred on 9/11 the first thing we all felt was deep shock. Then we grieved. Then we got angry. It was a righteous indignation at the injustice and insidiousness of those actions. Look at how that anger motivated us to affect changes in the world. Because of anger, a country that was once under the hammer of tyrany, is now free to vote their conscience.
Throughout history, anger has affected more change than any other emotion could, because it gives impetous to other emotions, to reason and to will. Because of anger, the civil rights movement was birthed. Because of anger, the people of India were freed from under the thumb of British domination. Because of anger, South Africa shed the dead weight of Apartheid. Anger is a useful tool when used correctly.
Why is it good to get angry? When you get angry about something that's happened to you, you tend to want to change that situation. If you didn't get angry, then things just stay the same, the status quo. Instead, releasing that anger motivates you to change directions, change your attitudes, and fight for the freedom to make choices. It also protects you from being used, abused or neglected.
Migraneurs
have to get angry. We have a nice term for it, "
advocacy", but it's anger just the same. When you're at the doctor's office and he's telling you to just put ice on your head and take a couple aspirin for your migraine, you have to get angry and tell him to stick it where the sun don't shine. It also compels you to look for another doctor and another form of treatment. One that works.
Even Jesus got angry. He was angry when a bunch of merchants were cheating people out of their money in order that they could make their sacrifices in the temple. Alot of Christians think that Jesus was mad because they were selling stuff in church and making money. But, really, there was a practical reason for sacrificial lambs and birds, etc. to be sold at the temple, and that was because people would come from far and wide and it was impractical to bring animals that far. Kind of like putting a sheep in your wallet and trying to stick it in your back pocket. Doesn't work.
No, the reason Jesus got angry was because of over charging. Haven't we all been there? Don't you get angry when you get home from the grocery store and find that they've overcharged you? It's a real pain in the neck.
And, he even let off the steam. He didn't "nicely" ask the merchants to please lower their prices to a reasonable amount and stop cheating the good people who just wanted to worship at the temple. Man, he got out the whip and kicked ass!
It's good to holler at someone who's cheating you, abusing you, neglecting you, or just plain being an asshole. It let's out steam and empowers you. Without empowerment and self-esteem, you can't change anything.
You can even get angry at God. He's a big guy and He can take it. And He understands. He'll forgive you. Albeit, that anger is often misplaced, but when you've got no one else you can blame for your condition and nowhere else that you can put your anger, just give it to God and let him handle it from there. At least you've got it out of your system and now you're able to think clearly enough to make responsible decisions and change your attitude or whatever needs to be done.
Anger is a very powerful emotion and we shouldn't be afraid of it. Most of us aren't serial killers or murderers and if you are afraid that you'd actually kill someone that you're angry at, just stay out of the kitchen and away from the knives when you get mad.
