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Monday, February 28, 2005

Fed Up!

It's been awhile since I've posted. I've just been in so much pain. The pl is at a 7 or above everyday right now. I'm spending alot of time stoned. Ugh! Right now, I'm doped up so hopefully this will make sense, but I doubt it.

I am so desperate for pain relief right now. I want it so badly that it makes me cry. Crying's not good when you have a migraine, because it makes your head hurt worse.

My diet sucks. I'm living on, basically, crackers and chicken wantan soup.

It's so hard to deal with life right now. I don't want to hear about anyone else's problems. My husband comes home with probs from work that he wants to talk out and all I want to do is hide. My daughter is naughty and I just don't even want to deal with disciplining her. My sister in law called today and told me how their whole family caught the flu and had 100 degree temperatures this weekend and all I want to say is, "Big Deal". I'd take the flue and a high temp anyday compared to the hell I'm living in. But, that's not practicing compassion or love and so I really try. It's stupid to have to TRY to show love and that it takes so much effort to just listen and concentrate on someone else's pain. Hell, it's hard to concentrate on anything right now.

I feel more and more cynical lately. The cynicism is running deep. I have no faith in the medical profession to help me, yet something deep inside, beneath even the cynicism, makes me continue searching for relief. I still am delusional enough to think that maybe I'll have my life back someday--a real life, free of pain and financial disaster.

I filed for bankruptcy this week and it was such a relief to get that over with.

I feel like a slug. I can't do anything. Tried to stand and do the dishes the other night, but the smells just enveloped me in nausea, and my head hurt even more just from the strain of standing up. I miss my nice, neat, clean home. It's such a mess. My daughter cleans, but she's only 12 and doesn't see the dirt that I see. You know how it is. My husband is neat, but he works late hours and I like him to relax when he is home. He still does alot.

Who knew the day would come that I'd actually miss being able to clean my bathroom and vaccuum the floors. But, really, cleaning's always been a meditative activity for me. I'm one of those weirdos who doesn't mind doing it. But, I'm not a fanatic. I'm not like gung ho and wanting to clean constantly, like some kind of stepford wife. lol

So, that's it. Story of my life right now. The meds aren't taking away the pain, but most of the time they do maintain my pain level (pl) so that it doesn't get worse. I'm just completely fed up with this whole shitty situation.

5 Comments:

At 2:22 AM, Blogger Moogle said...

Jess,

Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you often and still praying for you.

I've been where you are and it is very tough... Hang in there!

Hugs,
Tracy

 
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