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Monday, February 14, 2005

Two Blog Day

While some people have a two martini day, sometimes, I have a two blog day. lol

I'm on drugs right now. Don't worry, they're prescription, legal. So if this doesn't make sense, I might have to edit it tomorrow. Oy!

I was just thinking about how much pain I'm in and how easy it would be to accidentally overdose on my meds. I would never do it on purpose. When you're in chronic intense pain you just want to be out of pain so desperately.

I'm really good about keeping a medicine diary now. I write down when I took my last dose and how much, so that when I get desperate, I can look on the fridge and see that, hey, can't take any more for two hours, or whatever. I'm glad that I'm doing this, because awhile back I wasn't doing it and when you're feeling really dopey, time passes or doesn't pass and you can't tell the difference. Awhile back I'd o.d.'d at least twice by accident.

Strangely enough, it wasn't because of the migraines that I o.d.'d. I am a chronic insomniac and would stay up, sometimes for two weeks straight (and I was working, taking care of my fam, etc, the whole time). After 5 days, I would get so desperate for sleep, I'd take my sleeping pills. Usually they'd help and I'd at least get a nap, but when they didn't, well, it was absolute hell. I remember one time that I'd taken the correct dose of pills. They weren't working, so I drank some wine (a glass full of 13 proof). That didn't work. So then, stupidly, I took some benedryl, percocet that I had left over from a surgery. Didn't work andI figured that it had been enough time since I'd taken the first dose so, I could take some more of my sleeping pills.

I didn't wake up the next morning. I slept all that night, all the next day until my husband came home from work. He'd been freaking out, because he couldn't get hold of me by phone. When he came home he tried to wake me up, but I was still asleep. I guess he took my pulse and was assured that I was still alive, but he told me later that I was breathing shallowly. I did finally wake up later that night for about an hour and then went back to sleep, I guess. I think he was mad at me for a few days after that, because he wouldn't talk to me very much. I felt really bad and swore I'd never do that again.

Well, it did happen once more and that time, my husband was smart enough to call the paramedics when I passed out. After that, I wised up and checked myself into a sleeping clinic where they evaluated my sleep problems. Then they worked out a treatment plan that's all natural for me. I was thrilled and tapered off of the pills completely.

Anyway, I guess, because of the amount of pain I'm constantly in right now, the temptation is to take more and more meds, until it gets rid of the pain. I just went to the fridge before I sat down to write this blog to see if I could take more, yet. It's only been 2.5 hours since my last dose (obviously it's not working very well), which means I have a minimum of 2 more hours until I can take any more meds. That's why I'm glad that I keep a migraine diary now. It is saving my life, in a strange sort of way. Because right now, I'm so desperate to be out of pain, that I'd probably just keep taking the pills, not thinking about how many hours it's been since my last dose, focused on only getting rid of the pain. Thank god for my migraine diary. Two blog days are rough, but at least I can count on the diary to keep me safe and alive, because I have "someones" to live for.

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