Thursday, May 04, 2006

Denial. Ain't dat a river in Egypt?

I've been in denial about being in denial these past few weeks. I haven't wanted to admit that the pain's getting worse, again. It means, (if I do admit it, that is), that I'll need to up my dosage of the patch again. I don't want to do that for a number of reasons, but the biggest one is that it makes me really sleepy. Most of the time I can combat that with adderall, sodas, sucking on ice, messing about on the computer to keep my interest level up, (watching tv is the kiss of death if you want to stay awake); but the one that really works is the Adderall. Unfortunately, we can only go so high on that med.

So, I've decided to hold out until I'm taking alot of dilaudid daily as well. Or, maybe I'll even hold out until I'm having to also give myself the narc-cocktail injections every week again. Yeah, I think that's what I'll do. I mean, it's nice not to be in pain most of the time, or even just to have such a low degree of it that it's more like a gnat buzzing around, pestering you, than something that you can't get your mind off of. But, life's not perfect and hell, I know I can handle this. I've been through alot worse, right?

Tonight, I'm dealing with being freezing cold again. I have to stop typing every few minutes, because my fingers get stiff and red with cold. It's ridiculous when the weather's been so warm, between 75-80 degrees every day this week, nice and sunny, too. Maybe my medicine has worn out, I dunno. I have a feeling that it has, but I can't change the patch until tomorrow, or it'll mean that I run out early at the end of the month and then I'm SOL. So, I decided, I'll just live with my freezing temperatures, stay under the blankets, and try to live through it until morning, then change my patch as soon as I wake up.

It can be risky, because withdrawals suck, but I think I must have some medicine left, because I've gone through the DT's with this patch before and it was absolute hell with my muscles spasming, constant vomiting, your heart physically aches, (at least, mine did last time, though I'd never tell anyone that, or they'd probably take the patch away from me and it is doing some good right now), total irritation and bitchiness, etc. I really wanted to knock someone out when I went through that. It gave me a good idea of what drug addicts must go through when they're coming down off their highs. Certainly explains their violence, I think, though I don't know how they can hit or punch acurately when their bodies are shaking so hard.

So, anyway, this is my current dillemma. Do I want more drugs and less pain or more life and more pain? Right now, the choice is obvious to me, but it could be anywhere from one to four more weeks, before the choices become narrower and move into the grey area. That's usually my barometer for when I should talk to the doc about upping the dosses: whether or not I'm struggling with the choices, whether or not I'm struggling daily with taking more narcotics, giving myself an injection or what. I'm not there yet, but I do see it on the near horizon.

Still waiting for my appointments to get set up for the "tests". Oy. They were supposed to call with a status report today, so I'll call again in the morning.


At 3:57 PM, Blogger Penelope Marzec said...

Our daughter was on adderall for a while, but it upped her heart rate to a dangerous level and now she is on another drug--which does not do as good a job at keeping her alert.

At 11:50 AM, Blogger Jessica said...

Poor thing! Yeah, I don't think Adderall is good for young children. Personally, I feel it is an adult medication and shouldn't be given to kiddos, but that's just mho and I could be wrong about that. It's not exactly a stimulant, either, is it? Ask about "Provigil". It's a drug developed by the military to keep soldiers awake while they're on watch or when they need to run and haven't slept for awhile. I guess it kind of tricks your body into thinking it doesn't need sleep? Not 100% sure how it works, but it's just a thought. I didn't like it for me, but I can't remember why. I had some kind of reaction to it that not everyone gets. Best wishes, Pen. :)

At 11:03 AM, Blogger Penelope Marzec said...

Daughter #3 was on Provigil for a while, too. For a while, it worked well--but then her body wouldn't tolerate it either.

She's had so many problems with the prescription drugs!

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