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Sunday, April 16, 2006

The Non-event of the Season

So, I went down for the surgery and as it turned out, they had the wrong orders, so they couldn't give me the surgery. After a two-plus hour drive down there, and I was in such intense pain I had to give myself a flippin' shot, knocked myself out just to get to the stupid place, and then for that to happen, or not happen actually. It was a real let-down and I was so pissed off. At the same time, I'm so used to bad luck at this point, I think I'm becoming inured to it, because as angry as I was that I couldn't get the surgery, I wasn't disappointed, since I hadn't gotten my hopes up. The worst was having to tell my family and my daughter that it was such a non-event. I was ticked because I knew it would take weeks, even months, AGAIN, to get the authorization from the insurance for the surgery versus the other thing they'd ordered. *sigh*

C'est la vie. Such is my life. Lots of halts, pauses and false-starts with very little verticle movement. I have to wonder sometimes, what's the point of it all? Why am I even here? But, I'd probably wonder anyway, even if I wasn't going through this stuff, because I have those dark or philosophical tendencies.

Do you ever wonder if we're just in someone else's dream? How do I know all this is real? I think I ended up in someone's nightmare, unfortunately. Wish they'd wake up. :/

I just read the Allegory of The Cave, by Plato, (The Republic, book 6, I think, correct me if I'm wrong), so please forgive my existential ramblings for the moment. If you're not familiar, it's basically the plot-line the Matrix was modeled on, sans all the Kant and Nische philosophy the Wachowsky Bros threw into the mix. (A brilliant story, fi you ask me. The first movie, that is.)

I wonder which part I'm in? Am I Prisoner or Savior? If prisoner, I hope I reach my enlightenment before I'm too old to enjoy it's fruits, too decrepit to appreciate sky diving and surfing, etc. If Savior, then why oh why didn't I take the Blue pill? lol

7 Comments:

At 12:50 AM, Anonymous Eleanor said...

Oh man that SUCKS!

I'm in migraineland myself tonight, so I don't have anything terribly useful to add I don't think. Except that I kind of think life is a lot more random than most philosophers/film-makers would like to believe.

Have you read Paula Kamen's book, All In My Head? In the last chapter she talks about how she sees her pain as being about as meaningful as a car alarm that won't shut off. But then she talks about finding meaning in life DESPITE pain.

I'm not quite sure what I'm trying to say, but I think she's kind of barking up the right tree there. My view of my own migraines is that I just got in the way of some shitty luck somewhere along the way. Not karma, not divine intervention, just random, shitty luck. That is, except for the days when I blame myself, when I think it's my fault for not being able to handle stress, or something. Those days, luckily, my family and/or friends give me a stern talking to until I snap out of it.

And speaking of luck, good luck with the insurance thing. So you get another shot at this, yes?

 
At 2:37 AM, Blogger libbyziv said...

Jessica,

I just found your blog, and altho it's been more than a week since you posted, I hope you are still feeling that fighting spirit I saw in your earlier postings.

I know how hard it can be to fight all the pain, the fatigue, the Drs and the insurance companies, but you have an answer now and there is light at the end of the tunnel for you.

Hope springs eternal, isn't that what "they" say? Bet "they" never had a migraine attack or experienced pain like you've been having, right sister?

Keep at it til it's done!

Lib

 
At 4:31 PM, Blogger Jessica said...

Eleanor, Thanks for posting. I couldn't agree more with you. It's random shittiness that just happens and could and does happen to anyone. I don't think that this has happened to me for a specific reason or because of something I did to deserve it, or anything like that. So, glad you brought that up and just wanted to say, I agree. It's actually something I bring up frequently, because I get really annoyed with judgmental people, (usually they're also religious), who think I'm paying a price for my sins or it's some karmic judgment on me that I've got this condition. That's a wholelotta bullshit! lol

Libby- Thanks for posting. I haven't lost my fighting spirit. Went through a funk, but that's as far as it goes. I'd like to lose my orneriness sometimes, as would others, probably, but the truth is that it's who I am, so have no fear, that will never go away. However, I am learning some wisdom, I hope, and am learning to choose my battles wisely, which are worth fighting and which are worth ceceeding in order to win the war. It's all about strategy. :)

Take care and please continue to visit and read the archives if I haven't written for a few days and you're interested in finding out about what I'm going through and what I've learned from all of this. Seems to be precious little at this point, but what I have learned, has been important regarding priorities, etc., know what I mean?

I sometimes go through times where I'm unable to get to the puter, cuz of pain or life probs getting in the way. This time it was a bout of depression which, fortunately, has run it's course and I'm feeling back to normal again. Oh, yay. Anyway, lol, I"m glad to make a new friend.

Take it easy, goils. :)

Jessi

 
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