Nothing
Well, guess I should write something. It's been a tough week. I'm in alot of pain and I had to go to the docs for more shots on Monday. At least now I have some hope. My doctor went to see her pain mgt. doc to get trained in how to do the trigger point injections on my occipital lobes so Monday morning I go in to see her for my shots. It's a risk having someone who's totally inexperienced stick a needle in your head, but I'm desperate, so I'm going to allow it. I only pray that she does it right and it works and I get the relief I need.
If the shots do work, then after a 3 day recouperation period, I have big plans. First, I have to do our taxes. That's a biggie. Next, I'm going to be an excercising fool. I need to lose about 30#'s, I'm embarrassed to say. I'm also going to file for disability, since I'll actually be able to read and fill out the paperwork. I'm going to go outside!!!! Oh, god! I have GOT to get out of this house/trailer, really. So, maybe I'll even go downtown and go to lunch with my mom and a couple of her friends.
I've been a prisoner for almost a year and it's really depressing. I hope that if I feel better, the depression will lift. At least I
have hope right now, right?
Happy Birthday To Me
Well, today I'm another year older and deeper in debt. Thought I'd just publish the lyrics to some birthday songs that I like. The first one is just a portion of a song, because it's the only part of the song that I like. lolIt's Your Birthday-R KellyIt's your birthday (so let's party and have some fun, yeah)
It's your birthday (we'll dance 'til the morning comes, yeah)
Happy birthday (girl let's step the night away)
Happy birthday (yeah, and we're gonna celebrate, yeah)
Birthday -BeatlesYou say it's your birthday
It's my birthday too--yeah
They say it's your birthday
We're gonna have a good time
I'm glad it's your birthday
Happy birthday to you.
Yes we're going to a party party
Yes we're going to a party party
Yes we're going to a party party.
I would like you to dance--birthday
Take a cha-cha-cha-chance-birthday
I would like you to dance--birthday
Dance
You say it's your birthday
Well it's my birthday too--yeah
You say it's your birthday
We're gonna have a good time
I'm glad it's your birthday
Happy birthday to you.
It's Johnny's Birthday-George Harrison It's johnny's birthday
It's johnny's birthday
And we would like to wish him all the very best
It's johnny's birthday
It's johnny's birthday
And it's so nice to have you back to be our guest
At johnny's birthday
At johnny's birthday
We'd like to wish you all what you would wish yourself
On johnny's birthday
It's johnny's birthday
And it's so good to have you back from off the shelf
And it's so good to have...
You back from off the shelf...
"In Da Club"- Beyonce Knowles[Originally by 50 Cent]
No shorty, it's Beyonce,
We gon' party like, it's ya birthday,
We gettin' naughty like, it's ya birthday
So put ya drink up in the air if you look sexy!
I'm the chick with the hot ish, manolo blahnik,
Jimmy choo kicks, killin' it, who you with?
Me & my girls at the party with the diamond zinati's
I'm that classy mami with the Marilyn Monroe body.
I'm that fly chick 5*6 Marc Jacob mini
Ghetto fabolous, glamourous, its effortless
Make up light, we with my pastel Louis
Designer scarf, work of art, rockin' vintage Gucci
You can find me in the club, sippin' on some bub,
Daddy I got what you need you's a sexy little thug,
Don't wanna be your girl I ain't lookin for no love,
So come give me a hug, sexy little thug.
You can find me in the club, sippin' on some bub,
Daddy I got what you need you's a sexy little thug,
Don't wanna be your girl I ain't lookin for no love,
So come give me a hug, sexy little thug.
My nails my hair my diamond rings,
Shining with all my fancy things,
My crib my car my clothes my jewels,
Why you mad? Cause I came up and I ain't changed.
I'm that girl wearing chanel pearls,
Chandeliers in my ears from Bailey Banks and Biddle
Ya feelin my style, ya feelin my flow
Hair sheek, smells sweet, like flow to flow?
I'm the lady sipping baileys while I strut like a model
If the ladies wanna hate me I jus send them a bottle
I kno I got it but don't flaunt it even though brothas want it,
Dancin' dirrty while I'm flirtin, 'cause he' checkin' up on me.
You can find me in the club, sippin' on some bub,
Daddy I got what you need you's a sexy little thug,
Don't wanna be your girl I ain't lookin for no love,
So come give me a hug, sexy little thug.
You can find me in the club, sippin' on some bub,
Daddy I got what you need you's a sexy little thug,
Don't wanna be your girl I ain't lookin for no love,
So come give me a hug, sexy little thug.
My nails my hair my diamond rings,
Shining with all my fancy things,
My crib my car my clothes my jewels,
Why you mad? Cause I came up and I ain't changed, ohhh
ohhh, ohhh ohhh, ohhh!
ohhh, ohhh ohhh, ohhh.
ohhh, ohhh ohhh, ohhh!
ohhh, ohhhoooooooooooooooooooooowww!! (into hook)
You can find me in the club, sippin' on some bub,
Daddy I got what you need you's a sexy little thug,
Don't wanna be your girl I ain't lookin for no love,
So come give me a hug, sexy little thug.
You can find me in the club, sippin' on some bub,
Daddy I got what you need you's a sexy little thug,
Don't wanna be your girl I ain't lookin for no love,
So come give me a hug, sexy little thug.
Happy Birthday-Stevie Wonder You know it doesn't make much sense
There ought to be a law against
Anyone who takes offense
At a day in your celebration
cause we all know in our minds
That there ought to be a time
That we can set aside
To show just how much we love you
And i'm sure you would agree
It couldn't fit more perfectly
Than to have a world party on the day you came to be
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
I just never understood
How a man who died for good
Could not have a day that would
Be set aside for his recognition
Because it should never be
Just because some cannot see
The dream as clear as he
That they should make it become an illusion
And we all know everything
That he stood for time will bring
For in peace our hearts will sing
Thanks to martin luther king
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Why has there never been a holiday
Where peace is celebrated
All throughout the world
The time is overdue
For people like me and you
Who know the way to truth
Is love and unity to all god's children
It should never be a great event
And the whole day should be spent
In full remembrance
Of those who lived and died for the oneness of all people
So let us all begin
We know that love can win
Let it out don't hold it in
Sing it loud as you can
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday
Happy birthday
Happy birthday
Ooh yeah
Happy birthday...
We know the key to unify all people
Is in the dream that you had so long ago
That lives in all of the hearts of people
That believe in unity
We'll make the dream become a reality
I know we will
Because our hearts tell us so
Happy Birthday to me. I hope this year is better than the last. I hope I find a treatment for my migs, that haven't given me the day off (suckers), before my next birthday. Cheers.
Intense Pain
I was awakened at 4 this morning by excruciating pain. All of a sudden I felt like someone had taken a hammer and pounded it into my head. In my groggy sleep state I thought a burglar had come into the house and had just killed me! I screamed and my husband, dear man that he is, lept out of bed and said, "Jess, are you having a bad dream?" I wish it were something that simple. But, it wasn't. I asked him to get me some fioricet and he rushed to the kitchen to get it for me. I couldn't move because the pain had travelled down my entire body, so he lifted my head and gave me my meds and I swallowed some water, then lay back down to experience the nightmare. Oh, God, it hurt so bad. That's the nightmare of my life and what I have to live with. I couldn't believe how fast it came on.
Today, my head is a little better because of the drugs. I took more fioricet and an Imitrex shot. I'm about to take Phenergan because I'm so damn nauseaous. It'll knock me out. I really want to go to the hospital today, but no one is home to take me, so I have to continue to live with the pain.
Some people may think that I'm just whining. Well, maybe I am. But, I have good reason to. As I've said before, I would trade this pain for just about any other problem in the world. Give me marriage problems, homelessness, remodelling problems, anything but child having a serious disease. Anything. But, this is my particular trial. I just wish the medical community would wise up and gain compassion for the disease and it's sufferers. If I ever get better, I'm going to get on the speaking circuit and work my ass off to educate interns and residents of this problem, so that they'll go into medicine with the knowledge. I've even got my speech planned out. I'm determined that if I get better, I'm going to do this. I'm going to advocate for "my people".
The Straight Jacket Life
I'm writing two blogs today. It's necessary because there are two seperate ideas that I want to get across. So, please be patient with me.
I called my hubby yesterday, crying, on the phone. I really hate crying. I'm normally not an emotional person, but the Fioricet makes me weepy when I have to take it. Yuk! I'm the oldest of four kids, all boys and we always seemed to have one or two strays living with us--also boys. Ugh! The testosterone in our house was waaaay too thick. Anyway, I'm not a crier, probably because of that. So, I get really embarrassed and humiliated when I cry, but I can't help it when I have to take the fioricet.
I told him that I'm going to ask my doc if she'll admit me into the hospital for a week-long treatment to break this cycle. That treatment only lasts a few weeks, but at least I'd get some relief. Anyway, I was just so fed up with being in pain. Here I got this really awesome new game and wanted to play it, but couldn't because my head felt like it was going to explode.
I wish I were brave enough to pray for death, but I don't think it would help anyway. I mean, Elijah prayed for that in the Bible and God told him that he'd send some birds by with some food for him and for him to eat and drink. That must've really sucked to hear that. I mean, if I were asking for death and God told me that I had to stay here and suffer, I'd be really disappointed. But, what're you gonna do? He's de boss.
I was also upset, because I feel stoned all the time right now and that really bites! I can't remember the last time that I felt normal. It's hard to follow conversations or even a train of
Ever feel like that? I hope not, because it's hell. I wish I were crazy. Then I wouldn't know what I was missing.
I just looked at my mig diary and my avg daily pl is 6.5. I have had 3 pf days in the past 90 days. How pathetic is that?
Sometimes I think about the other mig sufferers on Rhonda's page and how many of them have been sufferers for a very long time--some of them up to 30 years! I worry sometimes that I am not strong enough to endure this kind of pain, every single day for the next 2 years, even, let alone 30. That's what gets me down.
So, I just turn on Ellen, my favorite comedian, and laugh with her at 3 pm every day. I'm trying not to think about the future too much. It's just really hard when you're driven and so ambitious to accomplish stuff with your life and I feel like I'm in a straight jacket. How do I live up to my full potential when I'm in a straight jacket?
I feel, and have always felt, that alot is expected of me to do something really significant and useful with my life, simply because I was given life. Right now, I can't see an end to this and it's hard to think that this may be my life...for the rest of my life. What kind of an example of a hard worker and charitable person am I for my daughter or my community if I can't do anything?
I'm not a believer in that saying that "everything happens for a reason" and "God's letting you go through this for a reason" or any of that bullshit. I've never seen a scripture in the bible saying anything like that. I think that shit just happens. Maybe that's fatalistic of me, or just cynical, but that's how I feel about it. It would be nice to believe that and certainly it would be nice to think that somehow I'm going to come out of all of this like some kind of gilded saint, but I don't believe that. I believe in reality and I'm a practical person.
And, I don't believe in reincarnation, so I can't blame it on the fact that I might've been a serial killer in a past life and now I'm paying for it. Darn, I'm just fresh out of excuses for why this has been dumped on my plate. It just is what it is and it's frustrating for a control freak, like myself, to have something totally uncontrollable and unpredictable happen in my life. I can't negotiate myself out of this one. I can't persuade it to go away. I can't appeal to sensibilities, or even beg for the relief I'm desperate for. And that frustrates me to no end. Ugh!
I've been through extraordinary pain in the past. I had a 1 in 100,000 pregnancy according to my doctor where everything, excluding Diabetes, that could happen wrong, did. I went through 9 months of misdiagnosis for gall bladder failure. Oh, that pain was so excruciating. I was doubled over and almost died before I was properly diagnosed and admitted for emergency surgery. I had a serious disease for about 3 years that affected every major organ in my body called Coccidiomycosis, or more popularly, San Joaquin Valley Fever, which is usually fatal at the degree that I had it.
But nothing, and I mean nothing can compare to the pain I'm in now.
Miscellaneous Hodge Podge
So I was feeling better than usual this morning and decided to listen to one of my fave rockers, Lenny Kravitz. I have a HUGE secret crush on him. He's so hot! Anyway, I'm listening to those awesome tunes on his Baptism CD (Isn't that cover yummy? lol). You know: Lady, Minister of Rock, Calling All Angels (what a beautiful melody). And, of course, I got a pl 7 mig. UNBELIEVABLE!! I waited until Christmas so that my daughter would know what to get me, for that CD. That and U2's How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb (I also have a crush on Bono, Whewee!). You know, it just sticks in my craw that these migs rob me of the simple joys in life. It's bad enough that they've robbed me of my career, my beautiful home, my finances, yada yada (the list is pretty long, so I won't bore you with it, this time). But, now, Lenny Kravitz' music gives me a mig?
What happened? I feel like such an old lady! I used to head-bang with the best of 'em. lol Now, I'm home on a Friday night, eating crackers cuz I couldn't eat all day from the nausea. I'm so booooorrrrrriiiiiiinnnnngggg!
Anyone else love Ellen? I think if my husband ever leaves me, I'm going to be a Lesbian. lol You gotta admit, she has a beautiful gf. And isn't it the thing to do these days? Jus love whoever you want? I wonder if I'll ever be "with it", "hip", "cool", "Phat" again? I doubt it. lol Anyway, she cracks me up like no one else can. And I just love her, she's so generous and thoughtful. So, I'm watching her every day, because that way I laugh. They say that laughter is the best medicine. Well, I don't know if it is or not, but at least for one hour every day, I can find something happy to laugh about, eh?
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Well, something kind of good happened. Remember how depressed I was that I was gaining weight, even though I basically eat almost nothing? I eat crackers, chicken wanton soup and sometimes a light dinner on my better days. Well, I've lost 10 lbs in the past two weeks. I can actually button the top button of my pants. Ha, ha!
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Oh, my poor baby. My daughter got her first broken heart today. Her li'l bf broke up with her. She said she cried a little at school but her friend made her feel better and by the time she got home she was totally fine with it. Since she went to a dance tonight, she just decided to go with the friend who cheered her up.
Why do we get so serious about that kind of stuff when we grow up? I wish I'd had that attitude when I divorced my first husband. "Oh, I got divorced today, so I cried a little, but my friend made me feel better and now we're going to go out and party and dance tonight." lol Would that things could stay so simple. lol Ahhh, those were the days.
I think it's so cool that she had a bf though. She's going to be 13 next month. I didn't have any bf's my whole school career. I was the only "person of color" in my whole, redneck, small town school. Ugh! The boys were so mean. They'd throw gum in my short afro (wore it au naturale at the time). They'd trip me as I was getting off the bus and throw rocks at me as I walked hom from school. They'd cough *nigger* cough into their hands during class, etc. etc. Needless to say, I wasn't interested in any of them and vv, so I never had a date in school. Well, not a real one. I went out with some boys from my church that I'd grown up with all my life. But, it felt more like I was going out with my brother. *sticks finger in mouth and gags*
Come to think of it, that's probably why I don't cry very often. Just learned not to let stuff hurt me. Unfortunately, migraine pain does hurt me and I guess I do take it kind of personally. I mean, it is messing up my whole life.
My Addiction!
Hi, my name is Jessica and I'm a Sims Addict. I've been one for two years and I really don't want to join any support groups to stop this addiction. lol
The sims is one of those pleasurable pastimes that helps me forget the pain that I'm in. It distracts me from my troubles and it's just plain fun!
I just got the Sims 2 as an early b-day gift and I'm so totally stoked! (How Californian did that sound? lol) So, anyway, if I don't make a blog over the next few days, you'll know why. It's because I'm trying to figure out how to play the new game which is, *happy dance*, different from the old one and far more challenging. I'm going to have to really be careful not to start a mig from the stress of learning to play the game. It's complex. Maybe I need a guide book. Hmmm.
Anyway, I'm so addicted to the games that I think about them and dream about them in my sleep. My daughter and I even talk in Simlish sometimes, just to crack ourselves up. I guess it's pretty sad, but, hey, it passes the time and keeps my mind off the pain. And it's probably better than letting my brain rot in front of the boob-tube. Although, nothing, not even the Sims keeps me away from General Hospital and Ellen every weekday. lol!
YAY!!!
Finally, the state insurance that I'm on, Medi-Cal, had come through with my Imitrex. Thank God! This morning when a pl 7 migraine woke me up out of a dead sleep, I was able to give myself a shot and within about an hour and a half the mig was completely gone! Hoorah! This is my best medicine for my migs and it's so important for me to have it. I won't have to go to the ER as long as I have the Imitrex, unless I get a cluster headache. I'm so happy! Finally, I'm getting some relief...Whew!
Tibetan Bhuddist Prayer
"May I be the doctor and the medicine.
May I be the nurse for all sick beings in the world, until everyone is healed.
May I be the protector for those without one,
May I be a bridge, a boat, a ship for all who wish to cross the water. "
I love this prayer. It is one of my favorite prayers of all time. Every time that I think it/pray it, I understand it with greater and greater depth. You can't understand it if you take the words
very literally. But, when you read it and think about it, you will understand it more and more. I would tell you what it means to me, but what's the fun in that? It might mean something different to you.
See, when you read it, you have to clear your mind of everything else and open up your heart. You can't
try to understand it. It just sort of comes to you through your heart. Be open.
I also thought about that Tibetan saying again tonight, "When you embrace your enemy, his fingers cannot point back at you." I am still trying to embrace my pain as my teacher. This is almost as difficult as practicing compassion. But, also, almost as important. It is so hard to do. I just want to throw the pain off like an old coat. It's so last season! lol But, instead, I'm given the challenge to embrace it's lessons. I don't want to do it, but fighting it only seems to make matters worse. It's hard to explain.
Emotional Status
I'm starting to feel a little better. Not migraine-wise. My migraines are still pretty bad right now, with no end in sight. I'm feeling better emotionally. I think that Pastor's advice about praying for others is really helping me out of my depression. I'll probably, well, most likely, still have those moments, but I'm feeling better inside. Maybe praying has given me some sense of purpose for my life right now. This is what I think might be helping.
And, let's face it, there's alot to pray for in our world and for our friends, families and even those we don't really know that well, but that we've heard are having a tough time. It's a good feeling and I can use all the good feelings I can get right now. :)
Let Up and Let Down
Well, my mig pain let up some today. It's only been at between a 4-5 today. That's the best it's been in 2 weeks, so I'm thankful for the pseudo break.
On the other hand, I had a bit of a let down today. A couple months ago I'd written a letter to one of the local hospitals regarding their treatment of me when I was in the ER and the fact that they'd given me an extremely dangerous drug, because they have a policy of not prescribing narcotics in their ER's.
I got a call back from the ER Administrator today (finally!) and he basically told me that they weren't going to change any of their policies and would continue to prescribe inapsine rather than give narcotic treatment. He then proceded to tell me that there haven't been any reports by doctors to the drug companies that there have been any problems with that drug.
I couldn't believe I was talking to such an ignoramous! The drug company that makes inapsine has written in it's report that the drug should be used as a very last resort when all else has failed to work for the patient. They have also made it very clear that abaout 12% (give or take) of patients given this drug end up dead or with a very serious heart problem that doesn't go away and leads to an early death. This was reported to them by doctors and surgeons who used the drugs on their patients.
I had sent this "doctor" the information from the FDA and the drug company which says exactly that, so I told him that if he'd read the information that he would see that the trials and doctors who've used the drugs HAVE reported deaths from the use of that drug. He said that that's just what the drug company and the FDA want you to think and if it was really a bad drug they would've pulled it off the market. I said, Why would the company that makes the drug want to tell you that you shouldn't use it. They want to make money and they want you to use their drugs. That doesn't make any logical sense. And the FDA hasn't pulled it off the market YET for one reason only and that is that it is needed by some patients who don't respond to other forms of anesthesia. That is what this drug is, an anesthetic.
How scary that doctors feel this way about the FDA warnings that they receive. I mean, these guys are supposed to be professionals. What if a builder decided that he could just ignore the guidelines and put a roof on a non-load bearing wall? Or why not have food service workers just wipe their butts and go out and slap together your sandwich without washing their hands. How about a banker just take money from the till and embezzle and not care about the rules and laws? I mean, why don't we all just become anarchists? What gives doctors the right or special privilege to decide what laws and regulations to follow and which ones they can ignore?
This is not the kind of guy I'd want working on me. I don't know what I'm going to do, yet, but I'm going to figure out some way to make sure that these changes take place at that hospital. Fortunately, there's another one in the area and that's the one I've been going to and it's really a compassionate and wonderful place.
Any suggestions?
