Friday, March 11, 2005

The Straight Jacket Life

I'm writing two blogs today. It's necessary because there are two seperate ideas that I want to get across. So, please be patient with me.

I called my hubby yesterday, crying, on the phone. I really hate crying. I'm normally not an emotional person, but the Fioricet makes me weepy when I have to take it. Yuk! I'm the oldest of four kids, all boys and we always seemed to have one or two strays living with us--also boys. Ugh! The testosterone in our house was waaaay too thick. Anyway, I'm not a crier, probably because of that. So, I get really embarrassed and humiliated when I cry, but I can't help it when I have to take the fioricet.

I told him that I'm going to ask my doc if she'll admit me into the hospital for a week-long treatment to break this cycle. That treatment only lasts a few weeks, but at least I'd get some relief. Anyway, I was just so fed up with being in pain. Here I got this really awesome new game and wanted to play it, but couldn't because my head felt like it was going to explode.

I wish I were brave enough to pray for death, but I don't think it would help anyway. I mean, Elijah prayed for that in the Bible and God told him that he'd send some birds by with some food for him and for him to eat and drink. That must've really sucked to hear that. I mean, if I were asking for death and God told me that I had to stay here and suffer, I'd be really disappointed. But, what're you gonna do? He's de boss.

I was also upset, because I feel stoned all the time right now and that really bites! I can't remember the last time that I felt normal. It's hard to follow conversations or even a train of

Ever feel like that? I hope not, because it's hell. I wish I were crazy. Then I wouldn't know what I was missing.

I just looked at my mig diary and my avg daily pl is 6.5. I have had 3 pf days in the past 90 days. How pathetic is that?

Sometimes I think about the other mig sufferers on Rhonda's page and how many of them have been sufferers for a very long time--some of them up to 30 years! I worry sometimes that I am not strong enough to endure this kind of pain, every single day for the next 2 years, even, let alone 30. That's what gets me down.

So, I just turn on Ellen, my favorite comedian, and laugh with her at 3 pm every day. I'm trying not to think about the future too much. It's just really hard when you're driven and so ambitious to accomplish stuff with your life and I feel like I'm in a straight jacket. How do I live up to my full potential when I'm in a straight jacket?

I feel, and have always felt, that alot is expected of me to do something really significant and useful with my life, simply because I was given life. Right now, I can't see an end to this and it's hard to think that this may be my life...for the rest of my life. What kind of an example of a hard worker and charitable person am I for my daughter or my community if I can't do anything?

I'm not a believer in that saying that "everything happens for a reason" and "God's letting you go through this for a reason" or any of that bullshit. I've never seen a scripture in the bible saying anything like that. I think that shit just happens. Maybe that's fatalistic of me, or just cynical, but that's how I feel about it. It would be nice to believe that and certainly it would be nice to think that somehow I'm going to come out of all of this like some kind of gilded saint, but I don't believe that. I believe in reality and I'm a practical person.

And, I don't believe in reincarnation, so I can't blame it on the fact that I might've been a serial killer in a past life and now I'm paying for it. Darn, I'm just fresh out of excuses for why this has been dumped on my plate. It just is what it is and it's frustrating for a control freak, like myself, to have something totally uncontrollable and unpredictable happen in my life. I can't negotiate myself out of this one. I can't persuade it to go away. I can't appeal to sensibilities, or even beg for the relief I'm desperate for. And that frustrates me to no end. Ugh!

I've been through extraordinary pain in the past. I had a 1 in 100,000 pregnancy according to my doctor where everything, excluding Diabetes, that could happen wrong, did. I went through 9 months of misdiagnosis for gall bladder failure. Oh, that pain was so excruciating. I was doubled over and almost died before I was properly diagnosed and admitted for emergency surgery. I had a serious disease for about 3 years that affected every major organ in my body called Coccidiomycosis, or more popularly, San Joaquin Valley Fever, which is usually fatal at the degree that I had it.

But nothing, and I mean nothing can compare to the pain I'm in now.


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