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Sunday, January 22, 2006

Fug Ugg-ly


At some point, you're going to probably visit your foot doctor, or, if you have Reynauds disease, like me, then even your regular doctor, or possibly your very own spouse, (after being out on the town with you for several hours and having to practically carry you up the stairs to the house, and, btw, I thought guys were supposed to enjoy doing that? Where did all the real men go? But, I digress, back to what I was saying), one of those people will most likely recommend to you to buy a pair of Ugg boots or slippers. This is what you say to them, "Ugh! Fug you!" Do NOT listen to them.

My doctor recently recommended them to me and I asked him if he was trying to fUg up my life on purpose, because it's fUgged up enough as it is. I said, Your bill doesn't make me comfortable either, does that mean that I shouldn't pay it? The day you turn down my money, is the day I will buy a pair of Uggs. Hasn't happened and most likely never will. See? That's how much he believed in what he was saying. I only hope women are not taking advice from a man who wears a tie with hunters aiming rifles at mallard ducks printed on it. Oy! Hep meh Jeezus!

I do not care if they make me sprout wings and fly, there is a line that a girl has just got to draw on how much fugliness she can take in her life. My life is fugged up as it is without fugging going out and fugging it up even more by buying a pair of Uggs for my fugly feet. No more fugliness for me. The line has been drawn and I put a little sign next to it saying, "DO NOT CROSS."

I don't care how many celebrities like to fug it up, those boots are not "cute" or "hip" or "with it" or "down" or anything but fug Ug-ly! And, whatever you think they go with, they don't! So just get it right out yo' mind, woman! Just because Paris, Ashley or Mary-Kate are doing it, doesn't make it fashionable. After all, they don't have to pay for their clothes. But, if I'm shelling out $100 for a pair of shoes they better look damn good, make my calf look irresistably sexy, be in a color I like, have a pretty name like Blahnik or Claiborne or Amalfi on them and they'd better damn well inspire the envy of every woman I meet. Am I right, Girls?! They better say something about me and that something had better be, "Damn, Girl, you got it goin' OHN!" The only thing that Uggs say about you is, "Girl, you look to' up! What'd you go on and do wit' yo' sad se'f last night, Woman?!" It says you are trailer trash with a capital I-DON'T-CARE-ABOUT-MYSELF!

I'm sure that if I still lived with my mother and I walked within 10 feet of the front door in a pair of Uggs my Mama would tell me, "Girl, you better just turn yourself right back around and march straight into that room and take those things off your feet! No chil' of mine is taking one step out this house lookin' like THAT!" Grumble, grumble, "lookin' like a red-headed-step-chil'", grumble, grumble, and then loudly, "What were you thinkin'? Someone's gonna call Chil' Protective Services down on me if you go out lookin' like that. They're gonna think I can't provide for my own chil'ren!" Then, threateningly, "Girl, don't you take one more step toward that door or it will be the last step you ever take!" Then would come the praying, "Lord, would you please knock some sense into this girl, cuz if you don't I sure as heck am gonna hafta!" and the trevailing, "Lord, where did I go wrong with this chil'? I triiiied, Lord, I triiied." No, sirree. My Mama would sooner see me dead than leave the house without my makeup on, without my hair done, without nylons (shh! She doesn't know, so don't tell! I just haven't had the heart to tell her that nylons are O-U-T-Out, too), and with a pair of uggly shoes on my feet. I swear that all some of these celebrities need is to live with their mothers again. You can't tell me that their moms aren't sitting at home, seeing their beautiful daughter's fugging it up all over the pages of the fashion magazines, and they're not entering into the prayin' and trevailin' at home.



What?! *gasp* Oh, eeeuw, you already own a pair? Well, here's my advice, run, do not walk, run to your nearest incinerator and burn the damn things. That's right, I said burn them, Girlfriend. They should not even go on the feet of the poor and homeless. That will only perpetuate this fuggly fad to imperpetuity and, really, what we want is for this fad to end as soon as possible. (And, btw, is it just me, or is it truly bizarre that all these vegetarian-vegan-PETA-Activist,-animal-loving-holier-than-thou-because-I-am-richer-more-popular-and-more-beautiful- than-thou celebs, like Pamela Anderson and Cameron Diaz, et al, are wearing suede boots?)

They're Ugly! Say it, Girl! C'mon, they are ugly. Look at them, sittin' there on the floor of your closet taking up the space that two adorable pairs of Manolo Blahnik's could fit into. Those big-nasty-sweaty-clunky-chunky, makes-your-ankles-look-thicker-than-your-hips, makes-your-thighs-look-bigger-than-their-size looking thangs. They look like they belong on the big, clunky foot of a bear, not the dainty, nicely pedicured piddies of a lady. Now, don't say I never did nuttin' for ya, because that right there, is pure gold, and it's going to save you from lookin' nasty downtown and let me ask you, aren't there enough ratty-lookin' women runnin' around on the streets without us having to add to all the fugliness? Um-hum. More importantly, do we really need to have our lives fugged up anymore than they already are? I, for one, do not need to have more competition for my man's attention than I've already got in this world. Every time I add some fuggliness to my life is one less glance he makes at my junk, imho.

Let's just once more compare, shall we? On the left, we have a pair of Ugg clogs, or, as they call them, Cluggettes, (how drole), and on the right, Manolo Blahnik. Is it really a difficult choice to make, even before you've had your double-espresso-cocoa-moco-choco-latte?


<- Ick!

Ahhh! ->

<- gag

claps->

Is Blahnik a li'l too rich for your blood? Sadly, it's a li'l too rich for mine, too, right now, so let's look at a nice pair of shoes at a more comparable price to the Cluggettes, which market for $70.

Let's take the Matisse mule, retails for $55 at Macy's, on the left:

Saweet!

Or, the adorable, Ginger Goff mule, on the right, also at Macy's, only $69!

Two snaps! You go, Girls!

Of course, if you're like me, and totally broke, you go to Pay Less and buy yourself these adorable Jeri Slings, retails $18, on the left:


Or the cute, Lulu pumps, right, for $22, (such a deal, but look at that heel! woo-wee!) Can't you just see yourself greeting hubby, (ice pack in hand), in a French-maid costume and these cute kicks? lmao!

**Diva Tip: Rule of thumb, if you're not Dutch, clogs don't belong in your home, let alone on your feet, except as plantars. They look really cute in the garden with pansies or violets growing out of them.

So, that's our Fuggly lesson for the day. Your homework is to go out there and un-fugify your life by getting rid of the fuggly on the floor of your closets.

*sighs* Says to self, "Now, I've really done my bit to uplift the human race for the day." I truly deserve those Matisses, don't you think? Hmmm. Now, where was that site...?

(This entry inspired by those Divine Diva Fashionistas over at Go Fug Yourself! I can only hope that I did them proud. Tee-hee) So it's off-topic, so sue me!

8 Comments:

At 1:41 PM, Anonymous ErinM said...

UH! BUT!!! They're SOOO comfy! Can't I even just wear them around the house??

No?

Sigh...

Alright...

But I'm keepin' my clogs, girl! Cuz I make THOSE look GOOD!

 
At 3:27 AM, Blogger Kim said...

Good lord, I almost got them for
Christmas.....saved by the skin of my teeth!

 
At 4:33 PM, Anonymous Difficult patient said...

Hey, try eBay for your Manolo Blahniks . . .I got a pair of Christian Louboutins for a fraction of the price! Oh, and I'm with you on the fugliness of the Uggs . . .ugh!

 
At 12:21 PM, Blogger Jessica said...

Difficult: Thanks for the tips! lol I honestly hadn't even thought of looking there for clothes or shoes. Hmm. gonna have to go take a look. :) lol

Erin, Erin, Erin, Erin. Well, the first step is always the hardest. Maybe once you get rid of those nasty lookin' boots, your clogs won't be so appealing, Girlfriend. I've seen your pic, Girl. You're a hot mama! lol You should definately not be in anything clunky or big. You're too adorable and perfect-looking. lol But hey, whatever floats your boat. Girl power! lol

Whew! Kim, that was a close one. Now, you stay away from those! lol See those cute, adorable mules? I mean, how could you feel anything less than 40's glamorous in those? I want 'em. Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme! lol

Thanks for visiting! :)

 
At 8:01 PM, Blogger Angel said...

ROFL!! YES!!!!! I think those things are UGLY! And when I see someone wearing them with shorts, down here in FL.....it's all I can do to not laugh!

I wish I could wear heels again, those are pretty!

 
At 12:55 PM, Blogger only pain is real said...

OH MY GOD I HATE THOSE BOOTS TOO!

fucking hysterical entry, dude.

 
At 9:16 PM, Blogger Kim said...

Hey, I came by actually looking for a specific blog but got yours instead. However, you seem to have a great blog here!

I have a lime sheepskin boots
site. It pretty much covers lime sheepskin boots
related stuff.

Come and take a look if you get time :-)

 
At 7:03 AM, Anonymous manolo blahnik shoes said...

I really do enjoy your writing style. Keep writing. You have an awesome day.

 

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