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Wednesday, December 28, 2005

The Morning Raunchies

I know I promised that I'd be back yesterday, but my head and body have been completely rebelling against my extra holiday activities this year. I have been in so much pain, it's almost unreal sometimes, except for the fact that, I've actually been in this much pain and more before. One good thing about having been in alot of pain before is that when you're in a great deal of pain, you can tell yourself, "I've been here before and I survived it, so this too will pass." This too shall pass.

I had a really difficult early afternoon today, though. The tough thing about this is that it just hits you, "BAM!!" like that! There's no long build up, or warning, it just hits.

It all started when I went to the bathroom. You know how much fun that's been lately, right?! (I blogged about it before.) So, I have to go and I started crying and it hurt so bad. But, I did finally get rid of what I was supposed to get rid of. Then, I bled. It seemed like alot. Like, I'm toward the tail end of my period, but where I was bleeding from was a totally different place. My tp was soaked in bright red blood. Then, the water in the bowl turned bright red. That would scare a lesser man than I, but I am not a man, therefore, I was not very alarmed. I think I was just really angry. I'm really mad that for my head to feel better, I have to have hemheroids. For me to have just the tiniest bit of comfort, and it's not alot, because I still am not nearly up to the point of normalcy in my lifestyle- Not even! -I have to deal with severe constipation, bleeding from the butt, and intestinal pain. I already have IBS with constipation, so this has just made things that much worse. I honestly didn't think things could be worse than the way they already were with my IBS, but I'm now living proof that they can be.

So, I get through all of that and it's like my whole body decides to freak out. I started getting hot and getting the sweats, so I turned the heat down. That rarely happens,b ecause of the Reynaud's. I can't tolerate the cold at all. I can literally get frostbite just from sitting in a chilly room. Seriously. So, I turned down the heat and then I got the shakes and got super cold, so I got under my electric throw, a wool afghan and some other blankets, but got too hot, so I threw the blankets off and just ketp the afghan and the electric throw on.

Now, I'm curled up in a fetal position on the couch, shivering, with intestinal cramps and the nausea just rolls over me like a wave. I felt like throwing up and then I got stomach cramps and my head started hurting. And I thought, Gosh, if anyone saw me right now, like if I was on tv, they'd laugh, because no one would believe that this is my real life. And, now, I've got a reprieve and all the symptoms are abated, for now.

This totally bites. So, was it worth going to my mom's and being with my brothers for a little family Christmas party and dealing with the noise of little kids and noisy men? Was it worth being present with my own li'l fam to open presents and enjoy watching my daughter's face light up over her gifts? It seems very strange to me that I'd say, yes, I'd do the same thing again, even though it means that I'll be paying for it with my life over the next couple of weeks, literally. It seems strange that anyone would make that exchange. But, I'd be in pain whether I did that stuff or not. Maybe the pain would not be as acute as it is right now, but I'd still be in pain, because that's how I am all the time, anyway. This way, I at least have some nice memories and got to have some fun, which is sorely lacking in my life right now.

I hope your Christmas was good, too. I hope that whatever pain you may be in right now, was well-earned by having a fun and merry holiday get together with loved ones, be they family or friends.

9 Comments:

At 1:50 PM, Blogger Angel said...

Oh goodness, I'm sorry :(

I have "the other" IBS and probiotics work for me (plus food enzymes) but I don't know if that would help or make yours worse.

I hope you're feeling better by now!

 
At 10:03 PM, Anonymous Eleanor said...

Oh man, that sounds SO AWFUL. I'm so glad things are better for you now.

It's hard to know sometimes whether to participate in things like family Christmases. It can be so full-on, I usually pay for it afterwards too. But if I opt out, I am still in some pain and I feel worse mentally, because I feel so bummed about missing out. Sometimes I go into a negative spiral about how my life is so unfair. I come back from it when I get things back in perspective, and see all the blessings around me and ways in which I am lucky.

Sometimes I guess you just have to keep going out there and living, and manage the fall-out as best you can.

 
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