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Thursday, June 30, 2005

Bad Day, Better Emotions

Well, I'm totally miserable with my head today. Nauseaus, in pain, the whole bit. But, the weird thing is I'm feeling better emotionally. It's funny, but I went back yesterday and read a bunch of my earlier blogs up to April, I think, and they actually made me feel better about stuff. Isn't that weird? I just read about Samatha, Ancestry, Identity, Just Say No, First 5 minutes, Empowerment and some other ones, and I just felt better after that. I never would've thought that reading my previous entries would've made me feel better. At first, I was just looking to see whether I was getting worse, better or staying the same, physically (it's about the same), and then just reading some of those blogs just kind of lifted my spirits in a weird way. It gave me the impetous to keep going. I have to get back to learning to embrace the enemy and move on toward acceptance. That doesn't mean I'll accept defeat, but just accept the fact that this is my reality for the time being and I have to learn to live in the present, not worrying about the future, not regretting the past. I wonder sometimes if this blog helps anyone else, or does it just bum ya'll out? But, either way, I have to continue to journal for the simple fact that it helps me. There's a saying that confession is good for the soul, and I think that's true. It's good to get the negative emotions out, sort of like cleansing your mind. It's good to remember that there've been good times too, like my fun mother's day card, which is still posted on the fridge; my birthday and the couple of times that I actually was able to get away from my prison.

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