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Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Better Attitude

Ok, I'm feeling better today about my situ. Sort of. I still want to give up, but I've never been a quitter, so... I'm going to call the doc and make an appointment and insist that we come up with a better plan of action regarding my pain management. I can't afford anymore imitrex. So, I need to find a med that I can afford that can help me out until I can see a pain mgt doc--whenever that will be.

I'm still ticked off about the medical system, probably always will be. I still hate my situation, but I've definately given up on hoping that's going to change anytime soon, so I'm going to have to figure out a way to accept it.

It always comes back to learning to embrace the enemy. How do I do that? To most people it's not "real", because they can't see it. But, to me, it's so very real. It has a great, dark shape that's bigger than me. It has an evil laugh and has ill-will. It's real.

There are alot of cultures who believe in the spirit world, including both Christians and Bhuddists. But, I think, unless you actually encounter this kind of pain, that is so very real, it's hard to truly understand or believe that there is such a thing.

I'm not saying that migraine is a spiritual problem or an evil spirit. Obviously it's not, it's a physical manifestation. But, it has opened my mind to the possibility, even the probability of good and evil forces that we can't see, but that are very real indeed. When I look back at some of the crazy stunts I pulled as a teen, I know that I have at least one guardian angel. And likewise, when I think of the bad things that seemingly randomly happened to me, I know that there's at least one evil spirit that affected an outcome. It probably sounds like voo-doo to alot of people or like insane hallucinations or something, but I don't care what others think, if you haven't noticed by now. lol

So, if I believe in the existence of good and evil and God and Devil, and believe that God will win and the Devil will lose, then why doesn't God just rescue me and heal me from the pain? Isn't that one of the most human and basic questions that anyone who experiences grief or physical pain asks? Why me? and God, why don't you take this away?

People look for the answers to this question and come up with all kinds of theories. The most common theory is that "This is happening for a reason." Some people think they go through things as a test of their faith. Some think they're supposed to learn some kind of lesson from the trial. Some think they're simply supposed to be more compassionate to others for their pain. Others think that it's a way to earn their place in Heaven or some special dispensation from God. But, I think that the understanding, learning, compassion that we gain from being in chronic pain or going through the grieving process is just the natural result of what we're going through. I don't believe it's the reason for going through it. As I've said many times before, I think that Shit just happens and how we deal with it is so very individual. Our perception of the why's and wherefore's of what we're going through is as individual as our coping strategies.

No matter what, the truth is that our character is challenged at it's basic core. Do we become bitter and close-minded, or do we become compassionate and increase our love.

Yes, the amazing thing is that my compassion is what is increased. You'd think it would be the opposite, that other people's compassion would be increased by what I'm going through, but it just doesn't work like that. It takes compassion not to bite someone's head off when they suggest you just need to get out more. It takes compassion not to go off on your doc when they suggest it's "all in your head". It takes compassion not to alienate your loved ones when they don't understand what you're going through and ball you out for forgetting their birthday or something like that, just because you were drugged out of your mind because the pain is so bad. And, it even takes compassion to understand that your family, your loved ones, are going through hell watching you suffer.

Cultivating compassion is therefore, the most difficult virtue to train yourself into. It's the most challenging attribute to add to your character. In my opinion, compassion is the one thing that we should focus on developing within ourselves. It's love in action. And, in the wise words of the late, great John Lennon, "Love is all you need." At the core this is true. Living with pain is horrible, it's a nightmare. But, if I had to be in this kind of cruel pain without any love in my life, there would be no point to continue living and my life would be worse than being in hell. It's the only thing that keeps me going, keeps me alive, gives me a reason to continue living. It's not *all* I need, it's *what* I need.

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