Thursday, June 23, 2005

Loss of Freedom

I didn't realize until a friend brought it to my attention how much time had gone by since I posted my last blog. You know, I've kind of had writer's block, or maybe it's life block. I have so many things stewing in my mind right now that it's really hard to find a place to start, to write about. So, I guess I'll just pick one and start there.

I was thinking tonight about how frustrating it is to not have a choice or a say in anything. I'm really frustrated lately. This must be what it feels like to be under communism or a dictatorship. I feel helpless, out of control and I hate it!

I have no control over any area of my life other than my personal appearance and even that I don't have complete control over. Do you have any idea what that's like?

My doctor's make decisions for me. Like recently when my GP said that the Neurologist she'd contacted wouldn't take my case. What the hell is that all about? All that I wanted the appointment for was so that I could get a referral to a neurosurgeon. You know, if I got that TENS unit put in, I wouldn't have to take any drugs for my migraines? I mean, how awesome would that be? All I'd need to do when the pain came on is press a button, send a small electrical current through my nerves and oila! I have my life back. I'm really wondering right now what the hell she told him. I've never had a doctor say that he wouldn't see me, before and I've never heard of that happening. What the fuck?! Instead, I'm being sent to a pain management specialist who is going to put me on more drugs--most likely addictive ones. I just don't get it. Western medicine is so freakin' bizarre! Let's see here, surgery or drugs. Hmmm. Isn't the choice obvious?

Ok, so here's another thing I'm really irritated about. I sit in this dark fuckin' trailer all damn day long with nothing to do. I can't move to much because it exacerbates the migraines. I can't go outside because the light hurts my eyes so damn much. I can't read! I mean, I can't fuckin' read a bloody book! What the hell? I'm so fucking bored out of my freaking mind!

Then there's the fact that I live here at all. Tooootallly not my choice. I HATE, I mean I can't emphasize it enough, I HATE living in this area. It's impoverished, the best jobs pay around $9 an hour if you've been there awhile. You're lucky if you find a job that offers benefits and if you want vacation you can just kiss that idea goodbye. Not to mention the fact that I have very few good memories of living in this God-forsaken county from when I was a teenager through adulthood. This place totally sucks!

I can't even get my hair done, because just pulling a comb through it hurts to no end! I'm really, really frustrated with my life right now and I'm so tired of being in pain all the bloody time. Even my "good" days aren't truly good. It just means that I can get up and do something cool, like washing the dishes. Big fucking whoopee!

Here's another thing that irritates me, since I'm getting some stuff off my chest: I'm irritated that my doctor thinks I need to see a shrink just because they can't find any physiological causes for the migraines. I mean, that's what migraines are! They don't have physiological causes--stuff you can see on an x-ray or cat scan. No one ever has "seen" a migraine, except that one university hospital back east that specializes in migraines and they're just now beginning to work on an mri type machine that can look at it while it happens. It still won't explain the causes or reasons why you get it and certainly won't cure it. I mean, I want to see the shrink for personal reasons, like stress management and to deal with all the shitty stuff from my childhood, yada, yada. So, that's not the problem. I just have a problem with doctors who send you to a shrink because they get frustrated and can't figure out how to deal with the problem. I understand that frustration. I have it too, but that doesn't mean I need to see a shrink for it. That, in and of itself, is crazy if you ask me.

So, I guess I should be blogging every day that I can, but I've just got so much pent up frustration right now, that it's kind of scary to let it all out. I guess it's better than going psycho, but still, it's not fun.

I have lost my freedom. I have lost control over what happens to me physically, financially and socially. The only things that I still have control over are my mind and emotions. What a way to live, eh? What a way to live.


At 4:41 AM, Blogger Moogle said...


I can totally understand your frustration!! I guess all I can say is hang in there...

Things do eventually get better, even if the only thing that changed was your perception.


At 6:00 PM, Blogger ¬£eslie said...

I am sorry, Jess. You really sound so down. If it is any consolation, you do have many, many friends at Ronda's. We all know the pain even if we don't have the same circumstances. I wish I could say something to help. I feel pretty useless.


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