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Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Throwing in the Towel

Ok, so I got a call today from my doc's office. That pain management (pm from now on) doc isn't taking any new patients for quite awhile. I need to have private insurance to see a pm doc anyway and we still don't have that, because the admin screwed up on our health insurance. We were supposed to have it two days ago.

So, I've decided to throw in the towel. Yeah, that's right, I'm quitting. If they want to just put in an iv full of heroin 24/7, I'm fine with it. Just keep me high all the fucking time. I don't give a shit anymore. Oh, ok, so go ahead and take away the pain meds and let me just lay curled up in a ball 24/7/365. I could give a damn.

I'm tired of this friggin' merry-go-round. I'm tired of getting screwed at every turn and not getting the kind of care I need. I know my doc tries her hardest to help me. I get that. I get that they get frustrated and don't know what to do. I REALLY get that. I mean, what the fuck do they think? That I'm not frustrated out of my damn mind, too? You know, I honestly don't know how to deal with this, think about this. I'm completely at a loss here.

My doc wants to get me into Stanford. Fantastic. The only problem is that she can't do anything about that until I'm on private insurance.

I told them today that I'm not going in for anymore trigger shots. They're not working without the cortisone, and they can't put the cortisone in there anymore. It's not that they're being jerks about it. It's because the cortisone dries out the tendons and theoretically if I banged my head on something it could break my neck. So, the reasons are valid. But the shots aren't doing anything for me without the cortisone. So, I'm giving those up.

I told them, I'm just going to live on fioricet and when necessary going in for the narc cocktail. Of course, they don't know this, but I can give myself that cocktail at home, now--except for the tordal. We'll see if it works without that.

I guess I've entered into the depression phase officially now. I think that that's the phase where you don't care about what happens anymore. Well, hello, that's me at the moment. Course, I might change my mind by tomorrow, but I doubt it.

Ok, well, 'nuff about that. Anyone watch "House" tonight? Just another show to help muddy the waters. You know this is what bothers me about Western Medicine. When you are in pain, you're given "habit forming" drugs. Then when the pain is under control from the drugs you have to take, they want to take you off the drugs because you're "addicted". Well, duh! Of course you're addicted to a "habit forming" drug when you have to have it to survive or have some semblence of a life. It becomes a vicious cycle. The question is, does it matter if you're addicted to something if it's something that increases the quality of your life?

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