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Friday, January 14, 2005

Quiet After The Storm

I'm over my temper tantrum. I flare up so quickly over medical stuff. It's so hard to be at the mercy of people you don't know. It's hard to not be in control over what happens to your own body. I'm not a trusting person anyway. A bit of a cynic in fact.

But, I need to learn patience. I need to learn to be merciful toward those that slight me, so that I can receive mercy in return. I need to learn to be patient.

Patient, patient, patient. It seems to be my life's story these days. Patient waiting for the pharmacy to get a TAR from the Government, so that I can get some of my medications. Patient waiting for the doctors to give me an appointment. Patient waiting for the meds to work. Patient, waiting, patient, waiting, patient, waiting.

I have never been a very patient person. I know that now. When I wanted something, I went for it and got it. I wanted my husband, so I got him. I wanted nice furniture, so I got it. I wanted a beautiful apartment, so I got it. I wanted a good salary, so I got it. I wanted and I got it.

Now, I want and I have to wait. Now, I need and I have to wait. Now, I hurt and I have to wait. And they're simple things, too. But, I have to wait so long to get them.

I have come to realize that life really boils down to simple things. It's not about accumulation. It's not about image. It's not even about happiness. It's about love. It's about family. It's about having the basic necessities: food, water, shelter, clothing. And now, it's only about surviving day by day.

Survival of the fittest? I say it takes a greater brand of toughness to survive when you're unfit and in pain.

An aide to the Dalai Lama was almost killed once. When the Dalai Lama asked him if he was alright, he replied, "I am too old and too tough to kill, Holiness."

That's how I feel, too. I'm chronologically young, but experientially old and too tough to kill.

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