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Monday, January 24, 2005

No Sleep

Well, it's weird. I couldn't sleep last night, because my butt hurts so bad that it's hard to get comfortable. ROTFL (It's all you can do in these situations.)

Anyway, that's not what's weird. Alot of my fellow migraneurs say that their migs get worse right before and during their periods. I just got mine today and the weird thing is that I actually had a pretty mild week as migs go this past week. The pain level stayed at a 5 or less all week, which is pretty unusual for me.

So, I guess I can pretty much rule out the possibility of this being hormonal. But, I already knew that. I've only had this severe of mig since I was in that accident. It's really hard sometimes, especially when the pain gets really bad, not to beat myself up over that. The accident was my fault and I'm fortunate that no one got hurt. I think my daughter had a sprained neck or just bruised or something, but after taking her to the chiropractor for a few months, she got better. But, I've gotten worse.

I have problems with Ishouldahs now. I shoulda gone to the hospital. I shoulda paid better attention on the road. I shoulda pulled over to talk on the cell. I shoulda never gotten out of bed that day. It can go on if I don't stop myself and sometimes it's hard not to stop myself.

I know alot of women do that to themselves. Why do we feel the need to beat ourselves up and inflict self-punishment? Don't and didn't we get that enough from our parents, bosses, etc? Probably that's where we first learned it and the cycle continues.

But, do we have a right to judge ourselves. The bible says, (Mathew 7) "Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. Mk. 4.24 "

I wonder if that applies to judging yourself, too? The scriptures following talk about being a hypocrite and critical of others. But, these two scriptures are the ones that begin the passage.

How do I keep from beating myself up inside for the pain I've caused to my family, because of this one stupid and avoidable mistake? How can I ever make it up to them? Will I ever have the opportunity? How do I live with the guilt and the regret of this foolish act? For that matter, how do we live with the regrets of all the foolish things we've done in our youth and immaturity? Knowing that I'm forgiven by God doesn't seem to be enough for me. Why is that?

I know I'm asking alot of questions and not giving much helpful information or anything very interesting to anyone but me, today. But, this is what's in my mind and what I need to work out in my life. It helps to write it out and try to find some clarity or sanity in spite of it all.

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