My Migraine Battle: On The Forefront

End of Blog

2006-08-02T14:20:00.000-07:00

Well, I think I've said all I have to say about this subject. Thanks for taking the time to visit. I'll leave this up for search purposes, in case you are here looking for information on migraines, chronic pain and their treatment. Thanks for joining me on my journey of discovery as I tried to deal with these issues. I wish I could've wrapped it up in a neat little package and tied it off with a miracle cure for y'all, but I can't. I'm still in pain, still lacking a definitive treatment, but at least I'm on a better pain management program than I was at first. I wish you all who are dealing with these or similar issues the best of luck in future. God bless you and God bless the USA.

Insomnia: When Sleep is Just a Bedtime Story

2006-07-12T15:02:00.000-07:00

I was recently involved in a discussion on insomnia and thought I'd post my story of how I was able to overcome it and how you can to, without medications and fancy products.

Disclaimer: Of course, this is my story, my experience and you shouldn't ditch your drugs without talking to your doc about it first, ok? So, don't get all huffy with me if you act like a fool, ditching your meds and quitting cold turkey, and you get sick, because I'm warning you that that could happen if you don't detox under a doc's supervision. I'm not responsible for you, you are, so take care of yourself, ok? Ok, Disclaimer over.

I had insomnia ever since I was 12, but it was controlled for the most part and didn't get worse until I was in an incident when I was about 19 or so. It's something I never talk about, so I'm not going to make an exception about it now. Suffice to say I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) for years before I was diagnosed with it, or even knew what that term meant. I always assumed it was something only soldiers got from being in war and was a modern term for being "Shell Shocked".

PTSD really can affect your sleep, and I wasn't the exception to this rule. When I had become really desperate, going up to 5 days without sleep, I sought out a sleep clinic. (By the fifth day, I was so desperate that I'd just take all the sedating type over the counter medications, drinking nyquil, took benadryl in big quantities, and consumed some high proof alcohol (ick!), I could find in the house to knock myself out. That was before I started seeking professional attention for my sleep disorder, but even after I sometimes needed that in addition to the prescription sedatives/downers in order to get a full night's sleep.)

They recommended that I keep a sleep diary for a month or until my appointment. I was kind of skeptical about that and warned them that there wasn't going to be a whole lot of "sleeping" in it, but I did it anyway. What I found was that keeping the diary could really help in and of itself, because you may be able to target the source or cause of your sleeplessness just by looking at the diary.

I kept my appointment and saw a sleep disorder specialist at a clinic who referred me to a sleep lab overnight. Of course, I couldn't sleep and they really want you too, so I did what I did every night, took a butt-load of prescription sedatives, hoping they’d knock me out—yep I was that bad off.

Well, that freaked them out, because I guess I actually stopped breathing in my sleep. The lab tech said he was about to come in and give me CPR when I suddenly started breathing shallowly again. Scary. That probably happened every night and I’d never have known. Still, I told the sleep doctor, "You can't have it both ways, Doc." *sigh* I either don’t sleep or I have to knock myself out. I couldn’t sleep without sedating myself, ever, not even to nap.

Because I’d been complaining about the insomnia for years, my previous doctors, all primary care physicians, just kept prescribing more medications in stronger doses to knock me out. Well, that’d work for awhile, but when their effectiveness decreased, they’d prescribe stronger doses. This just kept going on for years. No one ever mentioned that I could fix my insomnia, naturally, chemical-free. What a concept! But, then, I wouldn’t have to go back to those doctors every 6 months or so to get my prescription increased, now would I? And they wouldn't get their kickback from the drug companies for prescribing the latest miracle drug, would they? “What a racket!” That’s what I thought when I found out differently from the sleep specialist. But, that's because I'm a cynic. A nicer person would probably be more charitable in her thoughts and give them the benefit of the doubt, "Gee, I wonder if my doctor knows that you can fix this problem without medication?"

Anyway, I was delighted, if skeptical, that I'd be able to sleep sans drugs. It was fantastic! And I was able to sleep, really sleep, and get through all the sleep stages (quality is as important as quantity when it comes to sleeping and you can’t do that when you’re depending on drugs to help you sleep. So, if any pharmaceutical company claims that with their medication you’ll go through all the stages, they’re lying).

For a couple of years, I slept like that until about 5 months ago when I started triggering real hard. (A "trigger" is something that makes your mind remember or takes you back to the incident that caused the PTSD in the first place. For some people, it could be a car backfiring reminding them of a gun going off, or an image on tv, something they read, etc. Triggers can last anywhere from a few hours to days to months, depending on the trigger, the event and the survivor/victim/whatever).

That’s where PTSD can really sabotage your efforts, so keep that in mind. However, I know I just have to go back to following the Plan they gave me to get back onto my sleep schedule. I just don't want to sleep right now, because when I do, the nightmares are so real that it’s like I’m right there going through that whole event again. I'm afraid I'll end up attacking my dh in my sleep, thinking I'm defending myself, you know? And then he gets hurt, poor guy. It was horrible enough going through it the first time around IRL, so I’d rather stay awake and be exhausted than to relive it every single night.

Of course, that has it’s own potential problems and I don’t want to get so tired that I start having waking nightmares, which really suck and can be dangerous for other people if they’re around. It’s a fear of mine that I’d mistake them for being a part of this certain event and now that I’m better equipped to deal with it, should I find myself in a similar circumstance, I could really do some damage. So, it becomes this balancing act for me. I stay up as long as I can and then I crash and sleep and do the nightmare thing, getting only a few hours of sleep, so I don’t end up accidentally acting out against any innocents during the day. I was really hoping that if I gave it time, they'd just go away, but that hasn't been the case, so far. Don't know how much longer I'll wait before I have to aggressively work on this again, but my patience is beginning to wear rather thin with it. So, that’s how PTSD can really screw you if you have to deal with it along with or as the primary cause of your insomnia.

But, that’s my choice and it feels good to know that it is a choice and when I’m brave enough & can figure out a way to deal with the nightmares, I’ll go back to following the sleep schedule again. So, yeah, I can relate to both the insomnia and the nightmares/triggers/PTSD that keeps you up and aware all night long. It sux, but there are ways to deal with both.

I had a psychologist for awhile who was really helpful with the PTSD, but I’ve still got a long way to go. However, the nightmares did calm down, change pattern and weren’t every night, like they are now, for about two years after going to therapy. So, if you go through this, I’d recommend therapy. It’s kind of weird, baring your soul to a stranger. I mean, as a general rule, I don’t do that well , soulbaring, with people I’m really close to! And, not being Catholic, it’s not like I was used to confessing to a priest or anything, but I imagine, it’s probably similar to that. The difference is you’re not confessing only your own sins but those committed against you and random acts of crapulence that occur, too. So, it's time well spent and I'd recommend trying that out if it won't interfere with your other goals.

The thing about PTSD is that, even if you don’t think it’s really bothering you or causing problems for you, at some point all that pissed-offedness, the insomnia, the ultra-vigilance 24/7, the inability to completely relax-because you know, as no one else does that the enemy is out there and you're the only one capable of defending or protecting your domain/territory/loved ones,etc.-does eventually mess with your goals, the things you want to accomplish in life. From what I've read, the sooner you seek therapy, the better the results are from it. Jmho and this is most certainly a case of do as I say and not as I do, cuz I'm not seeing anyone right now, (my insurance doesn't cover it), but I sure wish I was. Even the few months of treatment that I received helped alot.

My next blog will give you specific steps you can take to get onto a proper sleep schedule. These are the things I had to do and they really do work, but you have to be dilligent and follow them religiously every single day.

Now, here's the hardest thing. Be patient! This process can take anywhere from 6 months to 2 years. It took me almost an entire year, but I was sleeping better and better throughout the whole process. So, keeping in mind that it’s a process will help you to deal with the frustrations and hiccups along the way.[Geez, I've almost talked myself into getting back on my program again. Ha!]

I was the biggest skeptic, too. I mean, if all the junk I was taking wasn't knocking me out for more than a couple hours a night, then why in the world would they think doing it sans drugs was going to work? But, I just did it anyway, cuz I wanted more than anything to be chemical free for one thing and to sleep was like a fairytale come true. Insomnia was really messing up my game and I didn't like it. And, contrary to what some people think, you’re alot more effective on your job if you can get the right amount and best quality of sleep you need.

Initiation Ceremonies

2006-07-06T14:03:00.000-07:00

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved.--Helen Keller

I was watching this Travel Channel show about the Polynesian Islands, you know Tahiti, Ranguan, etc., and they were showing a girl, about 17 or 18 yrs old, getting tattooed.

The tattoo artist, or maybe he was a shaman, I forget, anyway, he took this piece of wood and tapped it on another one that looked sort of like a comb with some kind of needles for teeth. He stretches the woman's skin with one hand and taps on the comb with his other. (Guess the hand that stretches the skin is holding the comb?) The woman's laying with her head in the lap of another woman and holding her hands. Why? Cuz it hurts like a mofo!

So, this man's rattatatatting on her leg and she's squeezing the life outta the woman holding onto her and trying her hardest not to cry. Only, she can't help crying, right? because it hurts so gosh darned bad. The artist says it'll be really painful for the first one to two hours, but after that your body gets used to the pain and it doesn't hurt so badly anymore.

So, the interviewer asked the girl, why's she doing this to herself? Why would she put herself through this kind of pain. Problem is that she can't exactly answer him because her teeth are gritted together so tightly. So, the tattoo artist replies that it's a sort of initiation ceremony that shows she's ready to take her place in the village and be given her particular job to do or her duties in the family. It's also a way of keeping track of their family's history, because historically it was written in picture language through the tattoo. Interesting, eh?

That got me to thinking, as just about anything does that has to do with the subject of pain, about whether the kinds of pain we deal with in our lives has as much significance as getting that tattoo did for that young woman? A part of me would like to think it does, but then again, I tend to be hopefully romantic that way sometimes. Ha! Ok, so yeah, you're right, that's like really rare for me to have those moments, let alone admit them and this may even be a first for me. However, I don't really believe that.

The difference is that that girl had a choice of putting herself through that pain and how much pain she was willing to withstand for a relatively short amount of time. We don't get that choice which leads me back to the conclusion I've maintained from the beginning, there is no special meaning attached to the pain we have no choice but to deal with on a regular basis.

Some may think my attitude is fatalistic. Maybe it is. I find it comforting, though, to know that I'm not in pain because of a past sin, some mystical future assignment or as a prerequisite for nomination to sainthood. (Ok, if anyone tries to cannonize me after my death, I'm tellin' ya now, I'll roll over in my grave!)

As a spirit-filled, reborn Christian I was raised to believe that we share in Christ's sufferings when we're afflicted physically. This belief has been based on a couple of scriptures, most notably the one by St. Paul where he says, (paraphrasing from memory), "Brethren, Think it not strange when these fiery trials come upon you." and another passage where he talks about "partaking in the sufferings of Christ". He's talking about this in a letter he's written to encourage a church group who're under serious religious persecution on the level of what the Jews went through during the Holocaust. Now, there are two things that leap out at me in these two passages. One, is that we have to take into consideration WHO he's talking to and why he's written that way. Two, is the letter itself. Now, when I write a chatty letter I talk about all kinds of stuff and they're not necessarily related to each other. So, just because he goes from talking about a physical affliction he has to deal with chronically to talking about partaking Christ's afflictions, doesn't necessarily mean that he's talking about the physical. He's following a line of thought, something that he learned from his affliction about enduring trials with patience, humility and compassion.

And yes, I know, there are going to be people, like Someone I know, who will say, "But, he could've meant the physical, too." And, sure, he could've, but that's why you can't build an entire belief around a couple of verses. You've got to have confirmation, have those verses from the New Testament backed up by a couple verses from the Old Testament to prove the theory.

Which is why I'm so glad my pastor in TX preached a series on this once, because he gave me a whole new perspective on physical trials and that started my inquiry into what it really means, if anything, when we suffer physically. Of course, at the time I didn't know that I would need that information for as long as I have, but grateful for it all the same. If you read through the bible wherever it talks about what God wants for his children, it's always positive, always good. He doesn't want us to suffer or be in pain. As a matter of fact, he states very clearly through the prophet Jeremiah, what his desire is, (again, paraphrasing from memory) "I know the plans I have for you, plans for good, not for evil, to give you a secure future."

In my humble opinion, this suggests to me that just like I want my daughter to have the best life she possibly can have and to be the best American citizen, a productive member of society, that she can be, He, God, wants me to have the best life has to offer, too. But, life happens and things don't always work out like you want them to. But, it's not because it's making us any more perfect or anymore equipped to be God's children. We don't have to do anything for that status, but join the family and once you're in you're in. You can't lose your salvation.

What I think these scriptures refer to is how we suffer persecution for Christ's sake and in that way are we partakers with him in his suffering. He died on the cross to take away our sins, endured whipping in order for us to be healed. Why then would he want us to partake of physical illness and afflictions to be like him? It doesn't make sense to me. It makes more sense that he would encourage us that if the Son of God had to endure persecution, then who are we to think that, as imperfect as we are, we can escape the same? That's how we are like Christ. Not because we have to deal with illness and disease. That's something else altogether.

So, if God wants the best for me, why am I in pain? I can't answer that. All I know is that He's not a Genie. He doesn't rescue me out of situations that I'm in. What I do find is that I can count on him to go through the crap with me. Just as if I was in battle. He's in the foxhole, right there by my side, and if you hear soldiers talk about their wartime experiences, knowing that they're surrounded by their brothers while they're in the thick of an onslaught, is the greatest comfort they can have. It's enought to give you a sense of security, knowing that those other soldiers, well-trained and prepared like you are, are right there at their stations, ready to give their lives for you if they have to in order to see you through. So, that's how I feel about God these days. It may be simplistic, but that's the beauty of it. God's got my six and that's enough for me. And that's not to say that I don't get frustrated or pissed off at God. I do. I rant and rave at him sometimes. But, you know what? He's a big Guy and He can take it. And, better yet, He understands and is compassionate.

So, I guess my point is that the reason that bumper sticker is so popular is because it's a truism. Shit happens. Sometimes you just end up on the short end of the stick and you deal with the cards that are dealt to you. God didn't do it to you. You didn't make it happen to you. I didn't cause my own illness (hate it when people say stuff like that). It's not because you're paying for some sin you did in a past life. It's not because you're working out your salvation or are becoming saintly or more christlike. It's just that enough random circumstances collided at just the right (or wrong, depending on how you look at it) moment to create a unique situation that you now have to deal with.

What matters is, how's my attitude? What's my character like? Am I responding to this trial by becoming bitter and taking on an attitude of entitlement? Or am I allowing my character to be built up, solidified, secured and reinforced, because of what I'm going through? There are a couple of ways that we can deal with the sucky experiences of life and this goes for any sort of shortcoming, not just the ones we can't control like chronic pain or illness, but also our failures and mistakes. One way is by passing the buck, handing off the responsibility, going into a state of denial or by resenting the situation to the extent that I refuse to deal with it in any way. The other is to accept the reality of the situation, analyze what I can and cannot salvage from it, what I can or can't change about it, make restitution wherever possible whenever necessary, reprioritize and finally learn what I can from it.

As an initiation into developing true character, I'd have to recommend adversity, because I just can' t see much use for it otherwise, can you? Either way, I'm still trying to figure out what my new job is, what my new duties will be with this new life and I guess that part will take some more time.

And if I'm supposed to learn the history of my ancestors from going through this kind of initiation, well, I guess I can say that I've learned what it's like to face adversity and continue on in spite of the obstacles. What's that called? Tenacity? Persistence? Stubborness? Foolishness? I think I had those qualities already, though. But, one thing I've really learned is that nothing beats dealing with reality, honesty, because the converse is to live in fantasy land and denial and is a waste of life and time, stunting one's growth and limiting one's abilities. When you don't face the obstacles, the adversaries, then you'll never know your limits or what you're truly capable of. Knowing your real talents, abilities, and limits is the biggest step toward actualizing self-confidence. And there's nothing more attractive in another human being, save humor, than self-confidence, don't you think?

"The true character of a nation, organization, or an individual is revealed when it is faced with life or death choices."

(If you know who I'm quoting, please leave a message in comments so I can give them the credit. Just can't remember who said it. Thoreau? Emerson? Lincoln? MLK, Jr.? Dang! Hate it when that happens and couldn't find it online, either. Help?)

Tribute to Our Heroes

2006-06-22T14:46:00.000-07:00

You guys have got to check out this beautiful tribute to our soldiers in Iraq. I'm not kidding you. I don't cry and I teared up like Niagara Falls was about to burst wide open. But, seriously, this is just the best slideshow I've seen yet of this kind and make sure you've got your audio turned up high so you can hear the accompanying soundtrack which really adds to the beauty, here. Just click on this link:

http://www.clermontyellow.accountsupport.com/flash/UntilThen.swf

God Bless our Soldiers and the USA

Nightmares & Memories

2006-06-21T03:58:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, instead of talking about what's really bothering me, I'll go off about something less significant and rant on that instead. Like the last time I blogged, it was about Hollywood. Well, I mean, that stuff does bug me, but not as much as it probably seemed to someone else who read it. If you read all that stuff, that way too long blog, you might've thought, Whoa, she's so ultra-anti-hollywood, or something like that.

The truth is that I get nightmares. Now, for a long time I was able to like, fight back in my nightmares against Evil and get myself out of the situation, or kick some Evil ass, etc. But, for the past several months, I'm back to being unable to fight back, like I was for most of my teen and adult life.

The fact is that I have been avoiding sleep for months now. I'll go 2-3 days without sleeping and then crash. Or I'll take some phenergan to knock myself out occasionally so I can sleep. When I don't take anything, which is most of the time, I end up with the nightmares and they're pretty bad, because alot of te time, they're not just nightmares, they're memories of something that really happened to me. It's like I'm transported back to that place, time and everything is the same. Same smells, sounds, sights, everything and it's so real, like it's really happening again. Living through it once was bad. But, now, I get to live through it over and over again. The monotany of the cycle, alone, is enough to make you nauseous, let alone the sequence of events.

At least I'm not beating up my dh, anymore, who once threatened to buy a cup just so he could sleep without fear. lmao! I'm laughing my butt off right now remembering that. I mean, it's not really funny, I guess, but yeah, it's funny in a sick way.

So, tonight, I'm awake again, because I don't want to go to sleep and dream. Dreams suck. Nightmares really suck. Being helpless in a nightmare sucks the worst. But, you know what's even worse than all that, is waking up from a nightmare and going back to sleep, only to have that same stupid nightmare all over again.

I wake up drenched in sweat, crying, panting, sometimes screaming. It's so...disconcerting, I guess. I dunno. Terrifying. No. It was terrifying at first, but I don't know if you can be terrified of something you're used to. It's like torture. You know it's coming, but you also know that no matter how you prepare yourself for it, it's still going to surprise you with it's magnitude and it's still going to completely fuck you over mentally, emotionally and physically. And then, when it does, you're surprised. Why is that? How can you be surprised by something that happens on a nightly basis. I bet POW's asked themselves that all the time, too. And after that, when you live through it, you don't know whether to be grateful you've lived through it, angry that you lived through it and are going to have to face it again, (wanting to yell, "Just finish me off already, would ya? Quit dinkin' around!"), or to start preparing yourself for the next time, or what.

How do you respond to the broken record of torture, or in my case, nightmares? Exactly. I don't know either. You just deal with it. You know it's gonna happen and no matter how you try to protect yourself, it will still happen, so you eventually just accept that fact, but that doesn't make it any easier to live with, you know?

So, now, I'm not going to bed until just a little while before my dh wakes up, most nights. That's not a good answer, not practical or useful and I really do need to get back to a normal, or at least a normal-for-me sleeping schedule, rather than this vampiric schedule I'm keeping. Until then, I'll keep avoiding what I really should talk about by blogging rants against The Man, The Machine, The Tool and whatever else I find to rant about in order to distract myself from the real issues that are bugging me. Hey, at least it's a plan.

(And now you know another of my secrets. This one makes two, right? You know two of my secrets. That's more than anyone learns about me in a lifetime. Even my dh only knows this one, and he doesn't know what it's all about, either. Weird. Strange compulsion to put it out there like that and yet I can't talk about it. But, there's a big difference between going through it, dealing with it, (or not) and speaking it out loud. It's like it takes on a life of it's own if you say it out loud. Have you ever noticed that before?)

Hollywood: Behind the Times

2006-06-14T02:20:00.000-07:00

Hubby & I always comment on how prejudice Hollywood is. They're the biggest hypocrites in the world, in my humble opinion. I mean, it's like they're determined to be the last holdouts of racial bigotry. They're the last holdouts from the civil rights movement and are still in denial in regards to feminism, too. Are you scratching your heads, wondering what the heck I'm talking about, yet?

I was reading a really great blog the other day and it raised some of the same kinds of questions and issues that I have had with Hollywood for a really long time, so I thought I'd give my two cents worth and a link to direct you to the original posting, by a woman who works in the industry, no less. You can get there by clicking on the title to this blog entry. Now, I'll continue my rant.

The reason I say that Hollywood is still a bastion of bigotry is pretty obvious. If I were from, say, China and I were watching American TV programs, I'd be under the impression that their population was primarily white and that blacks and Latinos were a very, very small portion of the population. I'd also think that Asian, Indian, Middle Easterners were almost non-existent in the population. Most of the TV and movie stars are of Caucasian descent. Now, it's true that th major stations try to add people of color and some shows, usually those in prime time, have a black person in them, but not most and not to the extent that it is equally proportionate to our demographics. Sure, it's better than it was in the fifties, but not by much. Hollywood could do so much better.

Take two really popular programs: 24 and Alias. Alias had two, count them, TWO black people on the show from the beginning. A man and a woman. That's pretty progressive compared to most of the programming out there. But, why weren't there more pople of color on the show? They didn't even add a Latin character until two years ago. And then they killed off the black guy. Does that mean that theres not enough room on a show for two people of color to be on it at the same time. Now, I also was proud of that show, because they did have an interracial couple on it, for a short period of time. It was pretty awesome to finally see a couple who didn't look exactly alike.

Now, let's look at 24. They had a black guy on that show. Oooo! And they one-upped Alias by putting him in charge of the whole country. Very cool. But, on a show with a huge cast, why weren't there more people of color on it?

We can look at a few other of my favorite programs. CSI--one black guy, but they do have everal Latinos in CSI Miami which actually makes sense with the demographics. But, are any of them in strong authoritive positions? No. The first year they showed Illana (sp?), H's sister in law, who was a cop and Latina. That was pretty good, but still, it's not like she was the DA or anything.

General Hospital. Now this one bugs me to no end. They have two black people on the show and they're a couple. But, they get almost NO air time and their romance is relegated to the back seat. If this was a bus it would say, coloreds in big bold letters right in the back of the bus and Whites only at the front. There are no chinese, no indians, no middle easterners.

They've finally added another black character to the show a few months ago. She's a BBW (large lady) and she's hysterical and a GREAT actress, but she most likely will never get a romance, because she's fat (and everyone knows that only scrawny white girls can catch a man's attention) and she's definitely just an extra character. (They needed a new nurse at the hospital, I guess) She won't ever have a strong storyline, though. Not a romantic one. However, she's such a great actress that any scene she's in becomes stronger and memorable simply due to her presence.

I've stopped watching this soap, altogether, because I'm tired of only seeing white people all the time on TV. And I'm half white! So, it's not like I don't like my own kind of people. But, hell's bells, I like, no I LOVE variety. It's 80% of why I like to live in the city.

I do give GH kudos for finally introducing a gay storyline, but if that sweet guy ever gets a real romance other than some hand holding and maybe a chaste kiss here and there, I'll die of shock. And he deserves a romance, might I add. He's totally adorable. But, see the thing is that GH is so cutting edge in so many ways, they're really good about dealing with social issues and I guess I just expect so much more from a serial like theirs, because they're capable of changing things if they really want to.

There are a few shows that we could hold up as role models, but unfortunately they're the exception rather than the rule: The 4400 has an interracial couple, but that's sadly where the variety ends in their menu; The Closer is great, they've got Latinos, Asian American, and a black in a prominent position. Kudos, gang! Lost has not one, but THREE black people, an interracial couple, an Asian couple, an Arab (who's actually an Indian in real life, but hey, they all look the same don't they? That's what I imagine the HW exec said to the others when they chose Naveen Andrews to play the part of an Afghani, lol, not that I'm complaining because I could sit and drool over him all day long, he's yummy, but still, that's not supposed to be the point, is it? I could as easily drool over a hottie Arab, too), and there were two Latinos, before one of them was murdered because she had to serve time or do community service for drunk driving (dopita!). So, our biggest kudo goes to the hottest show on TV which should say SOMETHING to those blockheads in HW who're making the casting decisions. I know if I owned a company and saw those stats, I'd definitely do whatever I had to do to repeat it. How does that saying go again? Oh, yeah, $ talks and Bullshit walks. Seems that's only applicable everywhere else but in Hollywood.

Now, I want to ask you, how many TV shows can you think of where the hero, the main character, is Black or of a race other than Caucasian? I can think of one. The Unit. Now HERE'S a truly modern, non-bigoted program and I credit that in great part to Eric Haney, who doesn't have a prejudiced bone in his body. This show is wonderful. We see a Black man in charge; a man of middle eastern descent, (well, probably not really, but as the saying goes, "they all look the same", right? -- what's up with that? Aren't there any good Arab actors out there?); a Latino and, omg! hold your shorts on, because there's another black man on the freaking show! I know, it's a shocker. And you know what? It's a popular program. People love it. Personally, I hoped they'd give the young, single black guy an Asian girlfriend, but they didn't get that creative. They gave him a black gf. Ha! That's ok. We're just happy to see more than one person of color on the show.

The other problem I have with Hollywood is the way they stereotype people. I mean, you might as well haul out the shoe polish and white mouth with some of these shows. Not all black people speak ebonics, carry guns, are funny, play basketball and rap music and eat collard greens (yum!). I've even met black people who like country music, couldn't dribble to save their lives and would rather be shot than speak ebonics which makes one sound uneducated. *gasp* (Of course, most of the black people I know are highly educated, so maybe I just run with the *wrong* crowd). Not all gay men are flamboyant. Omg! No, way! Yes way, really! I've known gay men who are such bad asses they're more alpha male than some straights. (Rock Hudson anyone?) They don't all know how to dress and they dont' all decorate. I know, it's a shock, but we'll get used to it and I think we'd even like it if we saw real people on TV more often. I think it adds to the problems when we dont' see "normal" acting gays on TV, because if they're acting insane, then it gives straight homophobes added motivation for hating them. It lets people justify their gaybashing and bigotry. And not all Lesbians look like short, beefcake men and wear flannel. I've met lesbians who're so beautiful they turn both men and women's heads. Can anyone say Josephine Baker? (Ok, I think she was bi, but you get my point, right?)

And then there are some shows that I've never seen a black or hispanic person on their show, like Gilmore Girls, which is a cute show with witty dialogue. They have an Asian American girl and her mother, but that's as "colorful" as it gets in their town. What's that about?

Apparently Blacks make up about 20% of the population, which is hard for me to believe, because having grown up in the Bay Area, and even lived in LA for a short while, I grew up thinking that there were as many blacks as there were whites and that the Mexicans and Chinese ran a really close second (as far as population was concerned). To me, minorities were the Hindis, Arabs, Cambodians, Tongans, etc. They seemed exotic and different back then. Nowadays, there's alot more Indians and Middle Easterners in The City, so I'd have to adjust my perspective if I still lived there. But, I know that not all of America is that diverse and port cities are always more diverse than inland cities, I guess. Even so, that statistic seems so low to me. But, let's just say it's correct, and that HW really did try to match their demographics to reality, we're still seeing way less of the ethnic populations in the product they create. C'mon Hollywood, let's get this show on the road and get it together. Show the world what America is really like, the America that I love, that wonderful melting pot where everyone has their differences, but we grow and learn how to cooperate and live together in spite of, or maybe even because of, them. I'd be happy if I could just see more variety, more colors, more individuals and less stereotyping in their programming. Until then, I'm not interested in watching popular TV & Movies. I want to be heard.

Now, I've said all of that to say this. Women are the primary buyers in our society and as such we have the greatest influence over...well, EVERYTHING!!!! We are the world's largest market segment, but we don't utilize our power intelligently to get what we want, see? Just like we don't usually negotiate for higher pay on the job. We just seem to accept whatever the HR person says they pay for the position, but the truth is that Men tend to negotiate their salaries more often and end up getting paid, on average, at least 10% more than the HR or Boss says they're willing to pay. And, guess what? That's just about the difference in pay between men and women these days. It's still better than when I first began working where women were paid over a dollar less than men. 10-30 cents less is a little more palatable, these days, but let's start negotiating, Girlfriends, and we'll close that gap, ok? Sorry. Back to my point and off the rabbit trail:

And you know who's the second largest purchasing segment? Our daughters, pre-teen girls! (That totally cracks me up. I have this fantasy in mind where all the women are taken out of commission for some reason, and our daughters end up taking over the world. Suddenly all the kitchen appliances are in hot pink and neon blue and aqua and purple with rhinestone accents and crystal handles.)

Last year, women bought more electronics than men did, but only 1% of us were happy with what we purchased. The other 99% said we didn't think the companies creating the products had us in mind at all when they were designing them. Huh, no kidding! And you know what? We're right, because those companies are still working off the old frame of reference when computers first came out during the 60's and 70's!!! and only men were using them, because they were the engineers back then. But in the last ten years women have caught up quickly with men as users and we are the ones, (75% of all technology purchasers in 2003 were women), who buy the product. It's my guess that if the products were designed with us in mind, then we'd actually pass up men as the primary users of technology, too. Not that we should have to pass them up in order to have our desires met.

Builders are starting to catch on. Women are the primary decision makers in that area, too, (we always have been, in theory,), but now single women are buying houses at an unprecedented rate. What is really cool is that in this instance we're the better negotiator. Surprise, surprise. We tend to get the same exact house for at least 10 grand less than men. Now, if only we can parlay that negotiating talent into higher paying jobs, hmmm....

We need to exert ourselves, Sistahs, and raise our voices or withhold our pocketbooks. I read an article recently that said something about how if women stopped purchasing in Tokyo, Japan's economy would collapse! We could do that so easily in America, too. If we started writing to the advertisers, telling them what we want to watch, the kind of programming we wanted to see, they'd have to listen. For the the fun of it, let's just take that new show, I think it's called, the Girls Next Door (about playboy bunnies and the old fart who can't be bothered to get dressed), but we stop purchasing the advertised products, in effect we boycott their advertisers, and we let them know why, how fast do you think GND would go off the air? Pretty damn fast, I'd bet.

We have the power to tell Hollywood off and to make sure that we get what we want. TV is all about advertising. We could send a message to advertisers too by purchasing products who advertise using models with healthy bodies, "real" people. I mean, as a former model, I understand the importance of having an attractive face on your product, but why did I have to look like a scarecrow to get someone to buy a shirt? It's not good for our daughters. Take the new add for that women's moisturizing soap from Dove. That company is saying we're beautiful in all our shapes, colors, sizes and ages. If only more companies would send a positive message like that. If we started sending messages by purchasing from companies like that, who don't advertise using models who look like they're high on heroine, then I'm willing to bet that advertising practices would change. I know that we'd like our daughters to feel good about themselves and to see positive role models in other girls who look like them on TV, not like some geezer's ideal of what a girl should look like.

I don't want her to think that just because she's not blonde and blue eyed, she won't be able to find love. If she were fat, I wouldn't want her to think she's unworthy because of that, as TV suggests, no, not suggests, pronounces emphatically to us on all the ads and shows. I mean, geez, we should be emphasizing Health, not size/weight. Are you healthy? Should be the question, not, Are you a size 2? (And I'm not knocking blonde/blue-eyed people, hope that's clear. If the shoes were on the opposite feet, I'd still feel the same way,ie if she were blonde/blue eyed and most of what she saw on TV was brunette/brown-eyed, etc., see what I mean?)

Another annoying statistic is that men outnumber women on TV 4:1. That includes children's shows. In cartoons the number is 10:1. And as far as movies and starring roles go, men still far outnumber women. It's still considered an exception to the rule for women to star in a movie. And, this is really stupid, TV shows are still made with the idea that white 18-25 year old men are the majority of who's watching. However, the truth of the matter is that women are still home more than men, not much more because 43% of us now work outside the home), and we're the ones who're watching TV, especially during the daytime. What's up with that? It doesn't make sense when you think that there are something like 20-30,000 more women than men living in the US.

The top companies in America have hired and created entire departments in thier marketing tiers devoted exclusively to coming up with products, ideas and the advertising needed to communicate them to & for women. But not Hollywood. They must think they know something the rest of us don't. Maybe all the women are going to be suddenly destroyed, leaving only men within the next couple years, so they dont' feel they need to "waste" their time coming up with stories and programmes that we'll enjoy. NOT! They're just a bunch of egotistical white men aged 18-40 who spend all their time in front of the tube. It seems like we can get whatever we want, except when it comes to Hollywood, but you know what I think? I think we just haven't tried hard enough, yet.

I find it hard to fathom that women in Hollywood, the producers, directors and so forth, the women with the power to change things, don't use it. Instead, they're too busy fitting in, trying to make it in a "man's world", trying to be accepted by the old boy's club. Fuck the old boys club, Girls. I'm not joking. My dh and I have decided that we're not watching shows and movies that do not have a wider variety of ethnicities amongst the cast. That old "joke" about how if there's a black guy in the cast, he'll be the one to either wear a dress or get killed first, isn't funny anymore, it never was, and it's not a joke, it really is what happens and I for one am not going to give my money over to people who're prejudiced and bigotted and so quaint that they can't get with the program. When are we going to start showing Hollywood that we expect them to portray our America, the one we actually live in and not this weird 1950's version of how they wanted it to be. I don't want my daughter to grow up with the idea that Indians, Chinese, Japanese, Arabs, Jews, Africans, Spanish, Mexican, etc., are unusual or diffferent. They're not. They're all part of the rich tapestry, the melting pot that makes up our society. It is what makes the United States so unique. You won't find this kind of mixture in any other country in the world. Why is it that Hollywood is in such denial over the very thing that makes this country so damned wonderful?

I want to see programs that reflect our view of the world. Our view of the world, what we teach our daughter is that we judge people according to their character, the choices they make, not according to their race, religion, gender, or who they fall in love with. Our view is that different is not abnormal. Different is wonderful and what makes life interesting. It's the spice. What is abnormal is seeing everyone on TV looking exactly like everyone else on TV: skinny, white, blonde, blue eyed and with teeth that could light up a runway. In my opinion, Hollywood represents the Nazi party more than those groups of skinheads do and certainly doesn't try nearly hard enough to represent the variety of characters that make up the USA.

So, what I'd like to know is does this bother you about Hollywood or do you think the status quo is fine? Do you have any ideas on how we could effect change in the entertainment industry in the future?

Bleak Future or Transitional Phase?

2006-06-08T23:57:00.000-07:00

I've been doing alot of thinking lately, but that's not knew. It's probably my biggest vice that I think too damned much about everything. People have told me that my whole life. lol "You think too much about stuff" or "You're overthinking this..." So, yeah, it's my, uh, weakness, I guess.

But, you know how I said I was in a funk and really I didn't realize it would last so long. Well, it did, though and I think that's the first time I've actually felt depressed in my life. Isn't that weird? I feel so gloomy about all this stuff so often and THIS is when I thought I was depressed? Don't ask me, because I don't get it either. I literally couldn't shake it, didn't want to talk to anyone and the biggest clue was that I stopped playing my game. (Let me know when you've revived. Fainting is completely understandable in this situation. lol)

But, I'm feeling better lately, like the cloud has passed on at least. However, during that time I came to several conclusions about my life and I'll share one of them with you right now. (Big build up, right? Well, try not to be too disappointed by what comes next, because, no, I didn't get The Key or figure IT out, sorry.) I have accepted, completely, that my situation is likely not to change in the future and for that reason, I need to either adapt or die. I mean, that's what evolution is, adapting to changes. And, I had to believe for myself that I do have other talents, other things that I can offer the world, besides how I previously defined myself. My life has been split, very definitively, into ba and aa, Before Acccident and After Accident.

So, I've decided that I really need to earn my keep again. I can't stand this feeling of uselessness, like I'm just biding my time until Death comes to carry me home or whatever, right? I can't live like that. That sucks and it's a bad attitude anyway. Imean, it probably won't happen, but what if my dh left me, or worse, if he died? Who'd pay the bills? Besides, I hate living on one income. It sucks. I need money to be happy.

Yeah, that's right, I said it. I need money and lots of it. So, I'm going back to school, again, and let's hope that third time's the charm, right? I'm going to take an accellerated learning program, online, because I do really well with those kinds of classes. I get bored if I have to wait around for everyone else in class to catch up with me. lol And, they're willing to work with me, within reason, if I need to take a day off here and there it won't create any real hardship, so my grades won't suffer too much because of my head pain. Still working out all the details and need to have it all finalized by August. So, I'll update you around that time.

I mean, if I can't be out there doing, then at least I can still do something. I'll figure out what my limitations are while I'm doing my schooling, too, so I'll know exactly what kind of work to look for after I graduate. The program is a five year course, but I think I can finish it in two and have my bachelors degree. The uni is accredited in the UK, so I don't know what that means over here. I may have to take an extra legal course out here if I go to work for a paper or magazine or something, but I really want to work freelance. The pay will suck big time, most of the time, but the more I output the more I'll bring in, so I should be able to contribute well enough. I just got to thinking how, from the age of 12, I paid for everything for myself. I even used to help buy groceries for our family when we were really broke from my babysitting money sometimes. I paid for anything I wanted to do, swimming, clothes, school pictures, yearbooks, christmas and birthday gifts. Then, when I turned sixteen, I insisted on paying rent when I worked to my parents. It wasn't much, but I'm sure it helped. And, still I took care of all my own personal needs and pitched in whatever extra I could when we needed it to the family's funds, usually in winter. I've never been a slouch. I've never been afraid of hard work and I've always paid my own way in life. I really hate the idea that a guy is "taking care" of me, too. That really sticks in my craw in a big way. And, yeah, I know, he's my husband and he isn't complaining...much. lol jk But, seriously, he's accepted it because nothing else could be done about it. Well, I still may not be able to move around much, cuz of the pain (which I also plan to change in the near future, but we'll save that for another post), but the pain killers and the patch really do help bring the level down enough that most days I can concentrate on my writing and reading, I've found. So, since that seems to be sustaining, I'm going to pursue writing and hopefully I'll find a new career for myself in it.

A quick update on my health: the pain's been pretty bad lately, again, and I'll probably have to go up on my dosage with the patch at my next doc's appointment if I can hold out til the end of the month. I really don't want to do that, because it makes me so sleepy, but it's either that or go back to losing my insanity from the pain and we can't have that when I have these other plans, can we?

This is really scary, you know? I haven't told anyone else, so try to keep this info under your belts, ok? I don't want to have to talk about it, just in case I am a total failure. At least, if that happens I'll be the only one who knows it and I won't have to put up with that look you get when people feel sorry for you. You know which one I'm talking about? Yeah, that's the one. That look. And, if I'm successful, it'll just be a nice surprise one day when I hand over a fat check to dh and say, Here honey, this should help.

Besides, I dont' think I want to deal with the nagging that comes along with all that expectation. Ugh. Thanks anyway. So, there you have it. From my mouth to whatever. Anyway, that's the plan at this point and I'll let you know how it all unfolds. (Did I tell you? I finished chapter 1 and the prologue of my novel? Rough draft form, but they're written. Feels good.)

So, have you had to change your self-perception lately? If so, what happened and how'd you deal with it? How do you feel now about your conclusions?

A New Blog

2006-06-01T19:52:00.000-07:00

One of the first things you're taught as a writer is to "write what you know". You read that phrase like it's a mantra. It's posted everywhere and is in just about any book you'll read on writing. For the most part, I think that's bullshit, because I think what you don't know you can learn about through research. If all the writers in the world restricted themselves to writing only what they knew from their own lives, our books and stories would be pretty damn boring.

However, I do think that works when it comes to emotion and getting emotion onto the page which is alot harder than it sounds. I mean, I can literally feel beads of perspiration threaten to pop out on my forehead when I'm writing some scenes. My pencils start to cry because I'm biting on them so hard. All because I want to get the wording just right for a particular phrase. Other times it sends me running from the computer to play an avoidance game for days, because the emotion that I have to write about is so strong, I don't want to feel it...I just don't want to feel that feeling again. I figure, some feelings, once is plenty, you know? But, inevitably, I have to come back, because the words won't leave me alone until I excorcise them onto the page, or screen as the case may be.

Today was one of those kinds of days, but I was able to use my intimate relationship with the world of pain to write this passage. It's incomplete and it's for a writing group I am a member of. I get a prompt from them each week and then write about that prompt. It's a romance group, so there are undercurrents of what could become a romance much later on if I were ever to turn this into a book. If you're interested in reading what it's like when you're a migraneur and the pain reaches to levels 9-10, and you can't find your rescue meds, well, you'll get an eyeful here. Keep in mind that this character I wrote about has nothing to do with me or anyone I know in real life. She's completely a figment of my imagination. And, whereas I suspect I'm not the only migraneur who's gone through this particular scenario, I would guess that we could all relate to the emotions this character, Lisa, goes through in the course of this passage. Here's the link, or you can click on the title: http://livluvwrite.blogspot.com/

A Shot in the Dark

2006-05-26T19:22:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I made it through my first of what I have come to find out is a series of shots. So, the first series was put in my neck, which was the second surprise, rather than in my head. I'm kind of glad of that, because it didn't hurt as bad when they put it in. But, maybe I wouldn't have felt it if they put them in my head either, because they doped me up first with Versed. Versed is a sedative with amnestic qualities, which means that it will relax you and make you forget the procedure. They use it on kids alot, so they won't remember their surgeries which can be really traumatic to little ones. I mean, think about it, it's scary enough for adults to have a surgery, let alone a little squirt.

So, as much as I'd like to tell you about the procedure, I really don't remember much. I wasn't in alot of pain beforehand, thankfully. I was having one of my good days, for once and the night before I'd knocked myself out with phenergan, so I could sleep a normal hour. I'm very vampiric in my sleep cycle these days. Sleep most of the day, awake writing most of the night. That kind of thing? So, I was pretty relaxed. But, when they hiked up the gurney with the hydraulic foot pedal, it really bothered my head. It hurt alot and I was at a pain level of about 8 or 9, but it was acute pain and I knew that it would settle down pretty quickly. It's really weird how I can tell the difference between different kinds of pain, now. It's even weirder to know that there are different types of physical pain, let alone different levels.

So, I was waiting for the pain to settle down and they wanted me to move onto another gurney. They were so nice there, too, did I mention that? I mean, these were some of the nicest men I'd ever met in my life. Seriously, I was impressed. Only one or two women, nurses, there that I could see, but they weren't involved with my care which was just fine by me, because my nurse was way cute. Not movie-star/model cute, just man cute, know what I mean? Like the kind of guy who you wonder, "Is he married?" about, but of course, I didn't ask. He'd think I was trying to pick him up, if I did that, and I wasn't. Oh, yeah, so back to the story. lol So, I got on the other gurney and was in this position that was very painful, again, for my neck. I never sleep on my stomach anymore and it's because my neck can't stay in that position. It just hurts too bad, hurts my head, too,a nd that pain takes a long time to go away.

So, I'm like trying to ask some questions about what they're going to do, but the doctor's just talking over me at this other guy that he's teaching how to do this to, I guess, and so I just listened, because I assumed he'd be talkgina bout my case with this student. The nurse next to me, said something like, "Just try to relax, Jessica." And I'm like, yeah, right, my hospital gown feels like it's falling down around my shoulders. Well, it was, and that guy noticed and pulled it up for me and said, "Don't worry, I'll keep you ladylike through this whole thing, ok?" Now, why I'd trust a man I just met to "keep me ladylike" in a room full of men, I don't know, but he seemed sincere, so I said, Ok. And then, I tried to tell him that that position hurt and if they weren't going to get the job done right away, then maybe I could just... And he goes, "We're going to start pretty soon. Just relax. This should help." And I was about to say something else, but he injected the versed right then and I kid you not, but ten seconds later, tops, I felt my whole body turn to jelly. The last thing I remember is him saying, "There you go. Now that feels better, right?" And that's all she wrote as far as the procedure goes. I just don't remember any of it.

Now, afterward, my neck hurt really bad and I thought they were unprepared because they didn't have an icepack ready for me. However, I tried not to act like a princess, because I know I can have that tendency when I'm coming out of sedation. So, I'm on the way home and my neck just hurt worse and worse. It ached, much like I thought my head would be aching, for three days afterward. I alternated between ice and heat and then just heat and it relaxed finally. I couldn't lay flat that first day or night, either. But, like I said, that did pass eventually.

Now, I don't know what I'm waiting for or looking for. I don't know how I'm supposed to tell if it did any good or not. I don't feel much different. I had a good day, but that's just it. I occassionally have those and it's not necessarily related to the shots I received. Today, my head and neck was killin' me, but I can't attribute that to the shots any more or less than I can the good days. So, now it's just another waiting game, I guess, and whether or not getting my nerves burned will do any good is anyone's guess at this point. But, then, I guess that what these "tests" are all about--finding out whether or not that procedure is worthwhile for me.

What do You Think?

2006-05-11T11:41:00.000-07:00

I wonder, what kind of questions do you have about migraine and chronic pain? Do you have any questions about occipital neuralgia? Do you have questions about the kinds of treatments available? Please, feel free to ask, no matter how simple or complex the question you may have, I'll be happy to try to find the answer for you, if I don't know it. So, no question is too stupid, so ask away....

Lesson Learned, I think

2006-05-05T11:57:00.000-07:00

I screwed up last night. I should've changed my patch. Woke up in agony today, every muscle spasming and in pain. Plus, I was freezing and sweating at the same time. Talk about uncomfortable. I wanted my blankets and electric blanket on, but at the same time, I didn't. Sheer hell.

So, I made my way to the med chest and put on a new patch. Started to feel a little better within half an hour or so. Still really nauseas and freezing cold, but at least my muscles were relaxing.

Took a hot shower and that helped with the cold feeling. Only now, I feel totally weak, like a puppet whose strings have been cut. Even just walking is painful on my legs.

Ok, so hopefully, I've learned my lesson. Next time I'll just change my patch if I think I'm going through withdrawals. And, I'll do it right away, no matter what my head is telling me. Oh, brother. This is just going to be too fun. :/

Denial. Ain't dat a river in Egypt?

2006-05-04T23:05:00.000-07:00

I've been in denial about being in denial these past few weeks. I haven't wanted to admit that the pain's getting worse, again. It means, (if I do admit it, that is), that I'll need to up my dosage of the patch again. I don't want to do that for a number of reasons, but the biggest one is that it makes me really sleepy. Most of the time I can combat that with adderall, sodas, sucking on ice, messing about on the computer to keep my interest level up, (watching tv is the kiss of death if you want to stay awake); but the one that really works is the Adderall. Unfortunately, we can only go so high on that med.

So, I've decided to hold out until I'm taking alot of dilaudid daily as well. Or, maybe I'll even hold out until I'm having to also give myself the narc-cocktail injections every week again. Yeah, I think that's what I'll do. I mean, it's nice not to be in pain most of the time, or even just to have such a low degree of it that it's more like a gnat buzzing around, pestering you, than something that you can't get your mind off of. But, life's not perfect and hell, I know I can handle this. I've been through alot worse, right?

Tonight, I'm dealing with being freezing cold again. I have to stop typing every few minutes, because my fingers get stiff and red with cold. It's ridiculous when the weather's been so warm, between 75-80 degrees every day this week, nice and sunny, too. Maybe my medicine has worn out, I dunno. I have a feeling that it has, but I can't change the patch until tomorrow, or it'll mean that I run out early at the end of the month and then I'm SOL. So, I decided, I'll just live with my freezing temperatures, stay under the blankets, and try to live through it until morning, then change my patch as soon as I wake up.

It can be risky, because withdrawals suck, but I think I must have some medicine left, because I've gone through the DT's with this patch before and it was absolute hell with my muscles spasming, constant vomiting, your heart physically aches, (at least, mine did last time, though I'd never tell anyone that, or they'd probably take the patch away from me and it is doing some good right now), total irritation and bitchiness, etc. I really wanted to knock someone out when I went through that. It gave me a good idea of what drug addicts must go through when they're coming down off their highs. Certainly explains their violence, I think, though I don't know how they can hit or punch acurately when their bodies are shaking so hard.

So, anyway, this is my current dillemma. Do I want more drugs and less pain or more life and more pain? Right now, the choice is obvious to me, but it could be anywhere from one to four more weeks, before the choices become narrower and move into the grey area. That's usually my barometer for when I should talk to the doc about upping the dosses: whether or not I'm struggling with the choices, whether or not I'm struggling daily with taking more narcotics, giving myself an injection or what. I'm not there yet, but I do see it on the near horizon.

Still waiting for my appointments to get set up for the "tests". Oy. They were supposed to call with a status report today, so I'll call again in the morning.

Fat Tuesday

2006-05-01T17:19:00.000-07:00

Ok, so, you know way more about me than you ever wanted to as it is, so I figure, what's another tidbit of meaningless trivia added to the already overflowing pile of manure I've previously sold you? Here it is, on the house:

My favorite night of the week is Tuesday. Why? Because, no matter what other shit is going on with my life; no matter how badly life sucks; no matter how much my head hurts or how angry and bitter I am with the world, I laugh on Tuesdays.

Two of my most favorite shows are on the tele Tuesday nights and if you've never watched them, you absolutely must, especially if your life sucks like mine and you don't have much to laugh about on a regular basis. It'll make you laugh your freakin' ass off and for a couple hours you can forget all about your sorrows, yeah? Yeah.

(Click on the links for pictures)

First, there's House. House is a brilliant diagnostician with an attitude twenty miles wide who doesn't give a shit about anyone not named House. Ya gotta love a guy who's so self-assured that nothing anyone else ever says, does or thinks makes a bit of difference to him. There's nothing sexier in my book. As a bonus, he is in chronic pain from a leg injury and pops vicodin throughout the show. What's not to love, I ask you? He totally makes me laugh.

If you want to know what my sense of humor is like, or the kind of person I aspire to be one day, it's him. He's the MAN. Not to mention, Hugh Laurie is totally adorable. (Ever see him in a tux? Ooh la la! The pics don't do him justice. He puts the Dash in Dashing!) Just look at those long legs and such a cute little ... well, you know what I mean. In the romantic fantasies department, the British category is a very, very short list. There are exactly five British men on my list, (one woman, tee-hee, jk, but I bet that woke you up, right?). He's the third man down. A total cutie patootie. :) 9pm, FOX

Next, there's Boston Legal. Since I was a teenager, I've loved James Spader, (this pic is how I remember him when I was a kid and he was a teen hearthrob with most of the girls). He's always been able to make me laugh and is a fantastic actor. Pairing him with Captain Kirk, how can you go wrong? It would be like putting Val Kilmer with Spock. Perfect fit. I even have a picture of the boys in their Halloween flamingo costumes on my "mantle". Well, ok, it's not so much a mantle as it is the top of our "entertainment center". The entertainment center isn't so much a center as it is a black painted steel shelving unit, very minimalist. But, it's in a place of honour is my point, where I can see it for "residual" laughs throughout the week when I need them. And, the eye candy doesn't stop with Spader and Shatner, although if you saw them in their flamingo outfits, you'd see some gorgeous legs on those boys. Anyway, there's also, Mark Valley and I'm a huge fan of his. He's a hottie. Used to play Keen Eddie, which was my fave show and also hilarious, for awhile, 'til the network execs took it off the air! (Buttheads on BRAVO think they know what they're doing-psh! Not! Grr. Sorry, random residual rant, comes up every once in awhile. Can't help it.) The show is freakin' hilarious and if you liked Ally McBeal, you'll like this. But, if you didn't like Ally McBeal, then you'll really, really like BL. :) NBC, 10 pm.

Lemme know what you think after you give these two shows a shot. Leave a comment. (I get lonely when you don't.)

Between these two shows, all the pain, angst and trauma stress from the week, melt away for two solid hours. I'm not a huge fan of tv, preferring to read instead, but I love Tuesday nights.

The Next Step: Rinse and REPEAT and Repeat

2006-04-25T15:14:00.000-07:00

Life seems to go on, even when you've been blasted with a major dissappointment, or you lose a loved one, or some other random act of unkindness seems to land on you. It's weird, cuz you think, "Man, shouldn't the world stop turning right now? I just had THIS happen to me and I'm expected to keep living, growing, being." It is weird, but as I often say, C'est la vie.

Ok, so here's what's really going on and you're going to have to laugh your butt off, because it's the only way to keep from crying over this shit. As it turns out, I will have to go through a couple months of "diagnostic tests". "Tests" is in quotes, because what they actually are are the marcaine/epidural-type shots that I've been getting over the past three years and which have very little if any effect on me. I think I've told you about those buggers before, but in case I havent, I'll give you a quick refresher course.

My pain is located in my occipital region. That's basically where it stems from. Put your hands behind your head, and you'll feel at the base of your skull two round knobby protrusions. Those are your occipital bones, you've got one on each side. They protect the occipital lobes and a major artery also runs through there, which, if nicked leads to stroke or death. So, you have to be really careful about who you allow to stick long pointy needles back there.

Now, I know what you're thinking, "Why in the hell, if that's where you're hurting and already feeling ice-pick like pain, would you let someone shove a needle in your head?" Well, I'm really not into S & M. It's not a judgment call, it's just not my bag, but this particular form of torture, they promise, will make me feel better, and lessen or completely erase my pain. Uh-huh.

Here's what they do: they fill the needle with marcaine and something else that I can't remember what it is called, we'll call the mixture numbing punch, and the first few times we did this, they even put cortisone in the needle, which was great! The cortisone really did relieve the pain for a longer period of time. I went maybe up to two months without severe pain. But, they can't do that for very long, because it weakens the tendons and dries the ligaments. So, one day, I could be walking along, bump my head on something, let's say someone left the trunk open to the car, and I'm admiring my new Minola Blonoches so much that I'm looking down and walk into it. Smack! Instead of just getting a bump on my head, I actually break my neck. Now, I look like those lovely women from Death Becomes Her. Not the most attractive look for a woman. I'd rather have my boobs pressing up to my hubby's chest when we smooch than my back.

So, now, we've got the punch inserted into the syringe, we need something to deliver it and for this they have the biggest damn needle you've ever seen. Now, when I first started getting this treatment, it was in Texas, and you know what they say about Texas? Everything's bigger there. However, as it turns out, the needle is still bloody now that I'm in Cali. Imagine our surprise. Not. Anyway, I guess you could imagine those needles that you see on TV, where they give someone an ephidrine shot in the chest to revive the heart. Know which one I'm talking about? This needle's like that. You could fill the syringe with bug spray afterward and go spray your garden with it, through this sucker. Yeah, it's that big. So, don't come whining to me the next time you have to get a tetanus shot, cuz I'll call you an amateur. The first time I had some idea of how scared I should be of this sucker, was the first time I got the shot and Hubby's face went from it's usual pinkish-gringo-howlie color to ghostly-gothic-pale white. I thought he was going to pass out. He tried to hide it. Tried to be a manly-man, macho cowboy and act tough, but I could see it and he was squeezing my hand so hard, you'd think he was the one getting the damn shot! I can laugh about it now, just not with him. Think he still has flashbacks and could probably do with a bit of therapy by about now. But, he was a trooper. I told him it was ok, he could go sit in the waiting room. He didn't have to watch. But, he wanted to by my superman, so kudos for him. He did just fine.

Next, they clean the area and clip my hair back, only they haven't had to clip my long, beautiful tresses back over the past year, because I cut it all off and now have a boy-cut. lol Take your fingers and walk them up, from the right occipital bone, just one fingerspace and one going toward the middle. You'll feel a slightly concave area, there, got it? Right about there is where they stick the needle in for my first shot. There are two points on the left side that I get the shots in, for a grand total of....3 shots. Very good. Cookie Monster and the Count would be so proud. Oh, but that's not all, folks, there's more!

I will get to go through this process for the next five weeks, starting next week. As a bonus, I'll get to go on a two hour car ride to get there, because the surgeon has to do it, and two hours back. Two hours, and not allowed to take any pain killers. Pray for my husband, who will chauffer me to these appointments. He typically has a keen aversion to violence, (except toward the fire ant. There seems to be some discrepancy as to who started that war. He'd say it was them and so on. It's like Israel and Palestine. They may talk a good game, but true, lasting peace is seriously doubtful). However, the next five weeks may either find me in a ditch at the side of the road or facing divorce papers. Bring it on!

So, they insert needle in tab a, b and c and it feels like, oh, how to describe how it feels. Well, by the time I'm there, I'm as desperate as a junkie looking for his next fix, for pain killers already. So, what's a little more pain, right? Anyway, it feels like a lobster's pinching my occipital nerves. That's how it feels. It burns and pinches, but not like someone pinching you with their fingernails. No. It's more ragged than that, more jagged feeling, like two knives or pinking shears closing over it. Yeah, that should give you and idea. And, then, it feels even weirder as it disappears into my scalp, the whole needle. They need to stick it in as far as possible. It's really tricky and takes a steady pair of hands, I guess, to miss the artery, becuase it's in the middle of a tangle of nerves and veins and you dont' want to nick any of that, or you could end up with a real mess on your hands. Personally, I hope one of these days, they miss and I get to float off to la-la land. Of course, with my bad luck, I'd end up only partially paralyzed with a stroke that makes me drool when I talk, rather than dead. So, maybe I really don't wish that and therefore am careful about who touches my head.

The weird thing is that it does numb the area. It feels as you'd expect, just like your mouth does when the doc numbs you up with the novacaine/marcaine injection, before laying into your teeth with his drill. I love it. It takes the edge of f the pain. At first, like I said, it took the edge off and even diminished the pain for up to two months. Then, it went down to three weeks. Still worth the tortuous trip to go get the damn things. But, once the results decreased to only taking the edge off for a week, and diminishing the pain for just a day, well, it just isn't worth the effort or pain to get it done anymore.

Yet, that's what I'm going to have done. Why? Because our insurance won't authorize the nerve block without THIS particular doctor doing the marcaine shots, first, and they call them "diagnostic tests". Bullshit! They're just stalling, putting off the inevitable.

Now, the doc's office will say that they can't do the surgery without knowing the results of the marcaine shots. I can believe that. However, in my case, they would've forgone the shots, since I've been through that for three years, so let's bring on the healing, eh? Yeah, right. Afterward, I lay on the couch with icepacks on my head for three days, waiting for the swelling and ache to subside.

I read the comments, y'all were worried that I'd lost my fighting spirit. Well, I haven't. Never fear. I just was in a deep funk, because of something completely unrelated, and as I predicted, it passed. However, I was really irritated after the Non-event. But, that too has passed and though I'm resigned to my lot of complying with whatever assinine ideas the insurance agency comes up with to forestall my progressing toward the ultimate surgery and relief, (the one with the stim unit). I could be difficult, and have been on the phone with them and the doc's office the past two weeks trying to straighten all this shit out, but it's gotten me nowhere. I still have to do the "tests" first. My question is, why doesn't my Doctor have the final word in all of this? How come my insurance company can tell him what to do for and to me? It's a scary place to be in, when you've got a bean counter telling a scientist how to do his job. What a strange world, eh? So, I'm bitterly resigned to my lot in life, now. If I ever get to the point where I can have the stim surgery done, then I'll be happy. But, if I don't, at least, I won't be surprised about it.

Hubby says I'm getting more bitter lately. I said something the other day, can't remember exactly what, but, I think someone was stating a particularly rosey view on love and life and I made some caustic remark. His eyebrows shot up about five inches off his head as he looked at me and said, "Man are you bitter!" lol Poor guy. I'm sure he didn't realize exactly what he was signing on for, but that's what happens when you don't read the small print. (I'm sure his eyebrows would probably go up at that remark, too. hee-hee)

The Non-event of the Season

2006-04-16T18:50:00.000-07:00

So, I went down for the surgery and as it turned out, they had the wrong orders, so they couldn't give me the surgery. After a two-plus hour drive down there, and I was in such intense pain I had to give myself a flippin' shot, knocked myself out just to get to the stupid place, and then for that to happen, or not happen actually. It was a real let-down and I was so pissed off. At the same time, I'm so used to bad luck at this point, I think I'm becoming inured to it, because as angry as I was that I couldn't get the surgery, I wasn't disappointed, since I hadn't gotten my hopes up. The worst was having to tell my family and my daughter that it was such a non-event. I was ticked because I knew it would take weeks, even months, AGAIN, to get the authorization from the insurance for the surgery versus the other thing they'd ordered. *sigh*

C'est la vie. Such is my life. Lots of halts, pauses and false-starts with very little verticle movement. I have to wonder sometimes, what's the point of it all? Why am I even here? But, I'd probably wonder anyway, even if I wasn't going through this stuff, because I have those dark or philosophical tendencies.

Do you ever wonder if we're just in someone else's dream? How do I know all this is real? I think I ended up in someone's nightmare, unfortunately. Wish they'd wake up. :/

I just read the Allegory of The Cave, by Plato, (The Republic, book 6, I think, correct me if I'm wrong), so please forgive my existential ramblings for the moment. If you're not familiar, it's basically the plot-line the Matrix was modeled on, sans all the Kant and Nische philosophy the Wachowsky Bros threw into the mix. (A brilliant story, fi you ask me. The first movie, that is.)

I wonder which part I'm in? Am I Prisoner or Savior? If prisoner, I hope I reach my enlightenment before I'm too old to enjoy it's fruits, too decrepit to appreciate sky diving and surfing, etc. If Savior, then why oh why didn't I take the Blue pill? lol

I got THE Call

2006-03-31T22:06:00.000-08:00

No, it wasn't at church. C'mon, guys! You know, I haven't been to church in like 3 years, except for 2 special occasions which I paid dearly for. No, I'm talking about THE Call, the one I've been waiting for for months now, and that y'all keep bugging me to fing out about.

My surgery has been scheduled for April 10th. Now, the news gets even better. Our tax return is going to be pretty good this year, so it'll pay for my surgery. I'm hoping it'll even pay for all three of them. Anyway, I'm stoked, or at least, yeah, ok, I am, I'm stoked. This will probably just be the first two surgeries that I need. The third one, I think has to be done in the hospital at Davis or something. That's the one that'll do the most good, where they put the electric buzzer in my brain and it rattles all the messages and mixes everything up. Just the news I need.

Now, I'll probably stop thinking about that other thing that's bothering me, becuase this will give me two weeks to rev up the anxiety about getting the surg done and I'll start obsessing about this instead. That could be a very good thing. It helps to repress if you have something else to replace the fear/anxiety/ptsd flashbacks or what have you with something, anything else. This is big enough it might just work. Unhealthy, you say? So. If it works, what the hell do I care how healthy it is or not? Couldn't be worse than what I'm going through right now, eh?

Alright, so, pencil it in. April 10 is the big day, 9:45 am. Pray, think nice thoughts, light a candle and insense or eat some chocolate or do whatever it is you do to get your particular higher power/god/goddesses' attention on that day at that time. You guys rock. Thanks. Don't know how I'd get by without your encouraging words. Seriously.

Ok, I'm going to go back to being quiet again. Back when I get over my funk. Might be sooner than expected with this news, eh? :)

Oh, btw, the book is coming along. I have the plot outlined, and I'm working on the research and writing the prologue. I wrote the first chapter, too, but didn't like it, so I'm going to rewrite it, again. lol

Why so Quiet all of a Sudden?

2006-03-30T18:45:00.000-08:00

I know, I've been really quiet lately. It's not you, it's me. I haven't wanted to talk to anyone for at least a couple of weeks. I'm going through this psychological/emotional thing that I wish I could blog about, but I can't. Too many people know me and read this frikkin' thing, now, so if I were to talk about this certain thing, everyone I know would know and I don't want that. There are some things that you just don't want to share, you know?

For lots of reasons, I want to keep this thing to myself, sort of. The main one is that I don't see the point in telling my nightmare and then it's in someone else's head, too. That's so not cool to do. If you've ever known someone who's gone to war, or something like that, then you'll know what I'm talking about. They don't talk about those experiences either. It's not to shut out the other people in their lives, it's just that you don't want those people to have those images or thoughts in their head all the time like you do.

Well, that's how I feel about this certain thing. The only thing I can figure is that I must have some kind of anniversary around this time of year, but because I blocked this thing out of my head for so many years, I have little recollection of when it happened, so I really don't know why it's bugging me right now, but it is.

Another reason for keeping this to myself is that I don't want people to think of this certain thing every time they look at me. That would suck even more than the thing! So, it really isn't anything I can discuss with anyone, which probably makes it worse, because then I only have myself to "talk it over" with and of course, nothing really gets solved that way. Ah, well. I've been here before, so I don't want you, my pals and friends, to worry about me. It will pass, it always does. For whatever reason, it just happened to hit me harder this time than it has in at least three years.

So, until I work through it, or successfully repress it again (tee-hee), I may not be on here a whole helluva lot. It also means, I'll be pretty quiet, like, maybe if I play dead or stay really still, the Monster can't see me and will leave me the hell alone? I dunno. Either that or maybe it'll just blow over like a season, like allergies or something.

I'm not depressed really, but I'm just not feeling like communicating. Mostly because I've got this on my brain so much that it's just better if I don't talk and I just find other things to think about and concentrate on, keeping my mind so busy that it won't have time to spend on dealing with this problem or analyzing it. So, give me a couple more weeks and I'll be back in good humour again, and I'll try to think of something interesting and clever to say, like, "Hi, I'm back" or something equally as awe-inspiring.

Until then, I want to ask you for a favor. Will you check out Medecins Sans Frontieres and, if you so feel compelled, will you please donate to them? This group is not a SCAM. They really are a wonderful bunch who are working their butts off to make the world a better place. Lemme tell ya, anytime I've met one of their docs, I've absolutely loved them and felt that I was getting the best care in the world. Too bad we can't make it a requirement for docs to have to do a stint with MSF for 9 months in order to graduate. They'd learn humility and compassion real fast if they did. Here's the addy, but you can also click on the title to go there: http://www.msf.org.au/index.shtml The greatest needs that I can see are in Somalia right now. It's tragic what's going on out there right now. Of course, the middle east and Eastern Europe are in great need as well, but Somalia's the main one right now. they really need more funding in the Ivory Coast, the Sudan and all over Africa. Thanks for doing this for me. :)

It's Not a Monty Python Sketch

2006-03-12T23:21:00.000-08:00

Because if it was, it would be funny. Instead, it's my life. Ok, so still waiting to hear about when my surgery will be scheduled. Insurance hasn't yet approved it and they're making a stink about paying any of my bills, citing that I owe them some paperwork, which they have, twice now already. I'm going to have to deal with them and that pisses me off, because I've already done all of this, twice already! Grrr. I think this is called an anti-climax, but since my life is life and not a book, that doesn't really matter. The ggod thing is that I'm not in horrible pain right now. The sinus infection is gone, so are those headaches. So, the raise in meds worked. It makes me fall asleep at the oddest times, which would be funny if I was like 90 y/o! But, at 33, the joke tends to be lost on most.

I finished the writing class. I know y'all have just been dying to read my posts again, right? lol Alright, don't everyone jump up at once. So, now I'll be freed up to write a little more often, but still working on the novel.

I have something to say to, well, everyone. Now, don't look at me that way. I know I always have somethign to say, but if this was a Monty Python sketch, which it isn't, (just in case that wasn't obvious already), I'd be saying, "And now, for something completely different!"

I don't know about you, but growing up, I always learned about all these artists like Edgar Allan Poe, Andy Warhol, the Beatles, and about a million other dudes, (why is the list all male? Hmm. Interesting), that they were on drugs. E. A. Poe took cocaine while he wrote The Raven; or Andy Warhol was on LSD when he painted; or the Beatles were on (fill in the blank with drug of choice)___ while they performed or wrote their music. Bull shit!

It took me 3x as long as the other students to finish my damned assignments because of these freakin' drugs. Even just the patches slow me way down. I can feel it. It's aweful. There's no way that anyone not in thier right minds could write or do the brilliant things that artists do if they're on drugs. Now, that's not to say that you couldn't use your drug experience or the bizarre things you see while on drugs as subject matter of what you write, but I'm just saying that there's no way that you can write and make sense while you're under the influence to that extent. Even just a li'l influence, like what I've got now, is enough to slow me down so much that it's just like plodding through pea soup to get the bloody thing done, but that just makes me mad and more determined to do it.

Ok, rant over. So, what are you going to say next time you hear that? Bull shit. Very good. Thank you.

Thanks for the Love, All Yous Guys!

2006-02-23T14:52:00.000-08:00

Thanks for sharing my joy, guys! You've been such good sports sharing my burden over the past year, that it's pretty awesome that you'll get to share my joy, too, if this ends up working.

I've had a really rough week with sinus infection and I'm battling the sleepiness again, since they upped my dose, but knowing that further relief may be just around the corner, makes it easier to deal with it right now. Or something like that. ;/

Appointment With the Neurosurgeon

2006-02-16T16:49:00.000-08:00

So, I bet you're on pins-n-needles waiting to find out about my appointment with the neurosurgeon on monday, right? The first bit of news is I've finally got a confirmed diagnosis of my disease, in other words, I have a name for what ails me and it's not migraine! Big shocker there. NOt in the truest sense, anyway. The pain is similar to migraine and cluster headaches, but it isn't those two types of headache. This explains why all the migraine drugs they kept trying on me, didn't work or would only work a tiny bit. I have what's called occipital neuralgia. It's hard to describe without having a model of a cervical spine in front of me, but suffice it to say that if you had no discs in your back, cushioning between your spinal column bones, they'd be scraping and compressing dead against the nerves and nerve roots and endings. Well, this is just like that, only in the neck. During my accident, the cervical spine shifted in such a way that now the bones are crushing down directly around the nerves and constantly rub at them, sending pain signals into my brain. I am giving you a very rough, laymen's language interpretation of what I understood from the doctor's teaching us, ok?
So, along with that damage, I've also got some arthritic swelling in those bones, which closes over that space around the nerves even more. This is why my pain never stops and didn't even get relief until I was put on narcotic pain killers. Nothing else would have worked on it. The problem is that if there was no way to fix this, then in about 5 years I'd need hefty bags amounts of narcotics to get rid of the pain, rather than the amount I'm on now, which helps, but in no way gets rid of the pain completely.

I asked why no one ever told me this, and he said that most doctors and neurologists wouldn't pick up on it because, a) the symptoms are so similar to migraine, except that the pain's chronic, so that's why the doctors always just acted like I was a big baby or was making it up, maybe. I mean, I could say that, to be nice and give them the benefit of the doubt, even though the truth is they're just assholes. The other reason is that unless they specialize in it, they won't think of it. Voila! The reason no one recommended me to the surgeon until now. And, I guess my new pain management doctor picked up on it, because he knows the surgeon personally and refers patients to him, frequently, and he read my medical charts. What a novel idea.

The good news is there is hope that the pain can be taken care of. Now, they can't do anything about the damage that was done. But, they can "burn" the nerve endings, (which is what the bones are scraping on), so that I don't feel anything there for about a year or even two. The bad news is that he can't do that close enough to my occipital bones and nerves, where my pain is at it's worst, because of the high incidance of stroke in that area. It's right next to a major blood vessel. If' you've been reading my blog for awhile, you'll know that I used to get injections in that area and they had to be extremely careful just how they put the needle in, so as not to touch this certain vessel. So, burning the nerves will probably take care of about half the pain that I'm in. Yay! I can deal with that, no problem.

But, there's more!!! (Don't you love it when they say that on infomercials? I love that part. I'll watch the whole infomercial, just to here that part. lol What would happen if we lived our lives like that? waiting to hear: "But there's more!" lol) He's going to do this thing, and I can't tell you what it is, because it's not exactly kosher here in the states, yet, thought they do it all the time in Europe and he does it all the time, where he scrambles some electrons in the occipital area of my head. Now, that freaked me out a little, because I really like my brain. I mean, if you were to ask me my favorite feature of my body, I'd say my brain. That's why this thing has been so devastating to me. Ok, anyway, so the philosophy behind that is pure science fiction. No joke, they even made a movie based on this idea and Ben Affleck was in it, but the name of the movie escapes me at the moment. I'll come back and edit it in later. Anyway, what happens is that it's like blocking a radio transmition or scarmbling a phone call. If the brain can't understand the message, it can't interpret it as pain is what, I think, it boils down too. See, I wasn't as clear about what he was talking about with this.

The final coup de gras will be when he inserts an electrical impulse unit under my skin. He's the first doctor to do this with this brand new one that doesn't have to have it's batteries changed,e ver. I guess you can just recharge the batteries by holding a mouse over the unit, above the skin, while you watch tv for half an hour and it recharges itself.

Between these three, we should be able to just get rid of the pain completely. Each part of the treatment plan will get rid of a little more pain. The tough part, for me, will be waiting for this to happen. It has to be approved by insurance and we do the burning first along with the scrambling, then the tens unit will be installed and actually sewn into my occipital reason, using 8 leads and two electrical units put under my skin, because I have, or, had, an active lifestyle. I'll be able to go back to swimming, jogging, bike riding, hiking, working out aerobically for an hour every day. Everything. The whole shabang. I'll get my life back.

I feel hopeful for the first time in years and really happy that something can be done about the pain, but it also makes me very sad for the migraneurs who can't be helped and who have to be in this kind of pain all the time. There's no sure treatment that will relieve their pain, ever, and I feel sad about that. I may get my life back, or some semblance of it at least, but they never will.

That's It! -OT Lost

2006-02-15T21:33:00.000-08:00

I'm leaving my husband...

...for Sayid, from Lost! lmao! He is so hot! I know he tortures people. So what? He is so freakin' adorable. And did you see those pecks tonight? I think my head's starting to feel better. lol jk I know this has nothing to do with migraines, but this has to do with me and it's my blog, so if I wanna go off-topic I can. (for pictures, click on topic title)

Now, let's try to imagine life with Sayid. Hm. Ok, so, he comes home from work and I'd give him a tiny peck on his lips and say, "Shower off and don't drip blood on the carpets, darling!"

After his shower, he'd come and give me a passionate smooch, holding me in thos muscular, gorgeous brown arms and say, "Were the kids good today?"

And, I'd have to stop and think about how I'm going to answer that. I could tell the truth about how Sayid, jr. decided to disect a frog in his bedroom, using my special tweezers and other cosmetic accssories; or I could tell him how little Abn wanted to play war and "borrowed" daddy's gloc. Hmmm. Course, if I do that, then Sayid, jr. might lose a fingernail or two and Abn might be strung up from the rafters by his thumbs.

So, I lie and say, "They're perfect little angels, darling." Then, I set the table with foods: Tabâ hajah, Lentils, Andalusian Chicken and rice. Yummy! And dinner conversation would go something like this:

"So how was work today, honey?"

"Not so good, I started crying while I was torturing this guy. I lost all credibility with him. It was horrible!"

"Aww, I'm so sorry. Would you like another scoop of lentils?"

Hmm. Might have to work on this fantasy a little. lol I"m sorta rusty. Haven't fantasized about anything in awhile. lol

Next, I have to think of a good time to tell Hubby and how to break the news to him. Hmmm. Any suggestions?

Patience for the Impatient Patient

2006-02-11T16:34:00.000-08:00

Well, I found out yesterday that my appointment with the surgeon is going to be just a consultation, not the surgery. After the consult, we'll make an appointment for the surgery. Ugh! Even though I'm dissappointed, I'm kind of relieved, because, as you've probably guessed if you've been reading my blog for any length of time, I'm the kind of person who likes to know as much as I can about something before I get into it. So, even though I'm impatient to see what the results will be like, I'm fine with not rushing blindly into an alteration like this. I just hope I won't have to wait for months before I can get the surgery.

On a more positive note. I've completed the first chapter of my novel. I haven't titled it yet, so for now, I'm going to call it my WIP, (Work In Progress). I am supremely happy with it. It's really hard work, challenges my mind and is frustrating as hell in some ways, but I read it aloud to myself last night, and my husband heard me read a portion of it, too, and I was pretty pleased with the end result, aside from some gramtical cleanup and a couple minor flaws. Hubby said that the portion I read ot him was "hot!". His words. I felt like I'd knocked one outta the park, when he said that. :-) And, he doesn't lie to me when it comes to my writing. There have been times when he's been brutally honest with an emphasis on the brutal and I've wanted to divorce him for a moment, because of what he's said, but when I've thought over his criticism, I've realized that he was right and he keeps me honest as a writer and keeps me from being lazy. Of course, I don't and won't read everything I write to him. He's not that interested in the same subjects as I am about what I write, but the fact that he respects what I do and will be truthful in his critique of it, means alot to me. So, I guess I'll keep him around awhile longer. lol

The higher dose of medication in duragesic patch seems to be working really well. My pain level has gone down dramatically this week, since Tuesday, and I've only used the dilauded once this week. That's nothing short of a miracle. I'm going to try to move around more next week and see how it holds up under that kind of pressure. It would be so wonderful if this meant that I could do a few things around here, like cleaning and even just taking a walk would be a big victory for me.

I don't dare let myself think that I may not be in pain at all after I have this surgery done, because I really couldn't bear the let-down if I was still in alot of pain, but occasionally, in spite of myself, I catch myself thinking, I wonder if I'd be able to go back to work and what kind of work would I do? I certainly can't do the same work that I did before, at least not at first. But, see? This is dangerous, so I need to let my communist militia out of the pen and go around cleaning up these insurgent thoughts in my brain.

Traumatic Memory Pill

2006-02-05T02:32:00.000-08:00

A pill to fade traumatic memories ? Interesting. I won't be lining up for them to try it out on me, but it will be exciting when they do actually come up with something workable one day. You can be sure the government will be on it like white on rice! (Well, I mean, they already are, but you know...)

Check it out here:

http://www.cnn.com/2006/HEALTH/01/14/trauma.pill.ap/index.html

Plan B Part Deux

2006-02-03T23:44:00.000-08:00

I told you that I'd let you know what I decided my plan b would be, right? Well, the only helpful recommendations you gave me was to read important books, (dude, can't read books, remember? I write about that alot and even wrote that in that particular post, but hey, don't worry about it, because I found a compromise that will make you happy), and try to find a new craft or hobby. Ok, so I have discovered that I can read an e-book if it's on the computer, because I can look straight ahead and don't have ot move my eyes in the same patern as I would if I read a print book. Score! So, I bought a really sweet romance novel, well 2 actually, and have started reading those.

The first one I couldn't put down. It's called A Rush of Light by Penelope Marzec and it's published by Awe-Struck books. The second one, I'm working my way through and it's also pretty good. I just didn't realize it was historical fiction/romance when I bought it and I'm not really into the Little House on the Prairie era, but I'm still liking the book and the characters. So, to make that reader happy, I am reading a book. lol Not only that, but I found out that I could get all and any of the classics FOR FREE online. Did you know that? There are a few resources, but the biggest one seems to be Project Gutenberg. You can download them for free and read all the classics. It's great.

I do have a hobby that I haven't indulged in for years. It's writing. I've always wanted to write a novel, so I've decided to do that. Now, I am working on two novels and the non-fiction book that I've been working on for three years, now. But, the novels are new and I'm really excited about trying my hand at them. Of course, I'd love to get published, but even if I didn't, just knowing that I finished writing a novel, would be rewarding in and of itself. So, the last couple of weeks, I joined some writing groups online and I started my novels. The first one, I've written about two chapters and the second one, I am still putting together the plot, but my characters are fleshed out for it.

My writing here may get a little more sporadic, but I'll still write. I'll probably just cut it down to 2-3 times a week, instead of trying for every day. I am really enjoying the process though. It's been enlightening, interesting, very challenging and engrossing.

So, see, I took your recommendations. I'm reading important books, (no, really, I am), and I found a new hobby/craft, or rather, rediscovered an old one.

Btw: I'm starting to get nervous about my surgery, so keep an eye out for my meltdowns, next week. lol

Nerve Block Surgery

2006-01-31T00:25:00.000-08:00

I received the phone call today, FINALLY! My surgery will be on February 13th. The scheduler couldn't answer any of my questions and said that she'd send a packet of information that would cover "everything". Hmm. I think it's so odd that doctors think it's ok to just send you some brochures about the procedure they're going to do and then say, Come in and let's cut you open and see what we see. lol Of course, this won't be that kind of surgery, I don't think. But, then again, I guess I'll find out for sure when thie packet of information arrives for me. Hmm.

I haven't written this week, because, for one thing, I'm back to being a bit sleepy from upping my dose of duragesic, and the nauseau roller coaster ride is back, too. Fun, fun, does it never end? However, I'm not as sleepy as I was before, so I'm hoping that it will just wear off. Another reason is that I'm working on a special project that is taking up quite alot of the time that I am awake. lol I will soon reveal what that's about to you, so hang in there with me. I'll get back into a rhythm of writing my blog again. I'm determined not to go without writing as long as I did the first time I was put on duragesic. I'll be back, soon.

Meanwhile, dig around on this site and see if there are some other posts that I've written that might help you out. Or, just be nosey and check out where my head was at when I first started this blog. Do you think I've made any progress from then? Am I in any better shape spiritually, maturity-wise or healthwise from that time? What's your opinion, I'd like to know?

Today's Doc Appointment

2006-01-23T16:00:00.000-08:00

I was starting to lose my sense of humor, there, is why I wrote those past two off topic posts. I've been having such a painful go of it since Christmas. I swear, I have to pay over and over and over again for having just a little bit of fun. What's up with that? It's like I'm doing constant penance. What is it called that those Holy Men in India do, when they like roll for hundreds of miles to get to some holy monument, or pierce themselves through with hooks and spears and such? That's how I feel, only not so holy and it's not self-inflicted, because God knows that if there was anything I could possibly do to get rid of this pain, I would.

So, I've been dealing with the usual migraines for the past few weeks, but on top of that, I've also been dealing with about 3-5 cluster headaches on top of that. That kind of pain goes off the richter scales. I can't even label it with a number, so on my diary, well, I just haven't been keeping it other than to put down when I dutifully change my patch. I have to write it down, because I lose track of time so easily and that helps me keep track so I don't put on another one too early or wait too long to change it.

Normally, when I get cluster headaches, I'd be banging my head with any hard object I could find, preferably a cement floor, cement wall or the phone. Well, our phone is brand new, so that's out, because it cost a pretty penny. Then, there's our walls. Well, I think if I banged my head against the wall, it would go right through, and then we'd just have to fix a big, ugly hole in the wall, which in the meanwhile, would let in a nasty draft. Hmmm. On second thought, I probably should do that. I'd catch my death of hypothermia and thereby end this living hell. Anyway, the last option isn't possible, because it's all dirt and wood around here. No sidewalks or patios. Don't even have a fireplace, for that matter! So, that's out, too.

The good thing is that the drugs do take the edge off, maybe because they help alot with the migraines, so then "all" I'm dealing with is the clusterhead. Yeah. That's all. The fact is, though, that the meds only do so much and I really need something better. I told the doctor today that it's painful to make any kind of effort like getting up or sitting down, walking, turning my head, bending over, turning over in bed, etc. The pain increases exponentially if I walk to the bathroom, versus just sitting perfectly still all day long. No kidding! It's ridiculous.

The doc increased my duragesic dosage today and we're going to try out 100mg rather than 75 and see how I tolerate it. It made me extremely tired the last time and I was sleeping my life away, back then, but I think the Adderall will help with that. Then he asked if we've heard from some doctor he's contacted about getting a surgery! Holy shit, no we haven't heard from Dr. B! Sure would be nice if this surgery is actually going to help me out. At this point, I have no faith left in any form of treatment or anyone for that matter. I just always pray, "God, Please let this med do what it's supposed to do and don't let it kill me or screw me up any worse than I already am". That's my prayer when I take my medicine. I probably should pray that over my food, too, but it might offend my husband, The Chef, so I won't. lol

Oh, yes, so back to this surgery. I can't remember what he called it, but basically this guy's going to burn the nerves in the base of my head and top of my neck where the pain starts, I think. So, the idea is that when the nerves are burned, the pain will go away. He said maybe for a year to a year and a half. I don't even remember what it's like to be completely pain free. That seems like a long time ago. Anyway, the surgery may or may not work. We won't know until we do it. But, it works for lots of people. Sometimes it just reduces the pain and then the medications do the rest. Sometimes it completely alleviates the pain. Just depends on the patient, I guess. Well, actually, my guess would be that it depends on how good the doc's aim is.

Then, I talked to him about the dilaudid that I can take. I asked him if I should be tapering it off every time I take it and he said I didn't have to, because I won't go through withdrawals because I have the duragesic patch. That's good, because I'd rather not take it unless it's absolutely necessary. I'm really worried that I'll grow tolerant of it and then I'm really going to be stuck up a creek without a paddle! I'm allergic to morphine, codeine and demoral. I'm not sure how many more narcotic painkillers are available once I can tolerate dilaudid. That's a big reason I always wait until it's almost too late to take it. That and I must be a li'l sadomasochistic or something. Not!

Part of the problem recently is that I was taking it so much more than usual, every single day, a few times a day, that I was scared that I'd be addicted to it. Then, my daughter complained that I was really cranky with her, so I felt horribly guilty about that. So, I stopped taking it at all last week. Well, I didn't miss it a bit, so I'm not addicted to it. I don't think about it, except when my pain's really bad and sometimes, that's how I know my pain level is getting really bad, because I start thinking about, "Maybe it's time to take a dilaudid?". But, the clusters did slow down last week and I haven't had one in three days, so that's really good. Now, I'm just dealing with high pain levels on my migraines, about an average of 7-8 right now with meds. I took some today so that I could make it to my appointment without killing my hubby, myself, or some innocent passerby out of sheer frustration and agony.

All in all, I think it was a good appointment. I really like this Dr. R. He listens and asks me what I want. I always defer, politely, and say, "Well, I'd just like to know what you suggest." Of course, when I say that, I really mean that I want to know what he thinks and know that he understands where I'm coming from and then if I disagree I'll let him know. lol He's a good partner. He is very wise and sensitive and I think that he really tries to understand. The best thing about it, though, is that I always leave his office, still feeling like a human being. He's never made me beg for help; he doesn't look down on me like I'm a druggie out for a good time, (ha! I could think of alot better ways to have fun!); and he treats me like he's my partner, ready and willing to assist me in reaching a goal of adding some quality, any quality, to my life. I think that's how it should be, don't you?

Fug Ugg-ly

2006-01-22T01:22:00.000-08:00

At some point, you're going to probably visit your foot doctor, or, if you have Reynauds disease, like me, then even your regular doctor, or possibly your very own spouse, (after being out on the town with you for several hours and having to practically carry you up the stairs to the house, and, btw, I thought guys were supposed to enjoy doing that? Where did all the real men go? But, I digress, back to what I was saying), one of those people will most likely recommend to you to buy a pair of Ugg boots or slippers. This is what you say to them, "Ugh! Fug you!" Do NOT listen to them.

My doctor recently recommended them to me and I asked him if he was trying to fUg up my life on purpose, because it's fUgged up enough as it is. I said, Your bill doesn't make me comfortable either, does that mean that I shouldn't pay it? The day you turn down my money, is the day I will buy a pair of Uggs. Hasn't happened and most likely never will. See? That's how much he believed in what he was saying. I only hope women are not taking advice from a man who wears a tie with hunters aiming rifles at mallard ducks printed on it. Oy! Hep meh Jeezus!

I do not care if they make me sprout wings and fly, there is a line that a girl has just got to draw on how much fugliness she can take in her life. My life is fugged up as it is without fugging going out and fugging it up even more by buying a pair of Uggs for my fugly feet. No more fugliness for me. The line has been drawn and I put a little sign next to it saying, "DO NOT CROSS."

I don't care how many celebrities like to fug it up, those boots are not "cute" or "hip" or "with it" or "down" or anything but fug Ug-ly! And, whatever you think they go with, they don't! So just get it right out yo' mind, woman! Just because Paris, Ashley or Mary-Kate are doing it, doesn't make it fashionable. After all, they don't have to pay for their clothes. But, if I'm shelling out $100 for a pair of shoes they better look damn good, make my calf look irresistably sexy, be in a color I like, have a pretty name like Blahnik or Claiborne or Amalfi on them and they'd better damn well inspire the envy of every woman I meet. Am I right, Girls?! They better say something about me and that something had better be, "Damn, Girl, you got it goin' OHN!" The only thing that Uggs say about you is, "Girl, you look to' up! What'd you go on and do wit' yo' sad se'f last night, Woman?!" It says you are trailer trash with a capital I-DON'T-CARE-ABOUT-MYSELF!

I'm sure that if I still lived with my mother and I walked within 10 feet of the front door in a pair of Uggs my Mama would tell me, "Girl, you better just turn yourself right back around and march straight into that room and take those things off your feet! No chil' of mine is taking one step out this house lookin' like THAT!" Grumble, grumble, "lookin' like a red-headed-step-chil'", grumble, grumble, and then loudly, "What were you thinkin'? Someone's gonna call Chil' Protective Services down on me if you go out lookin' like that. They're gonna think I can't provide for my own chil'ren!" Then, threateningly, "Girl, don't you take one more step toward that door or it will be the last step you ever take!" Then would come the praying, "Lord, would you please knock some sense into this girl, cuz if you don't I sure as heck am gonna hafta!" and the trevailing, "Lord, where did I go wrong with this chil'? I triiiied, Lord, I triiied." No, sirree. My Mama would sooner see me dead than leave the house without my makeup on, without my hair done, without nylons (shh! She doesn't know, so don't tell! I just haven't had the heart to tell her that nylons are O-U-T-Out, too), and with a pair of uggly shoes on my feet. I swear that all some of these celebrities need is to live with their mothers again. You can't tell me that their moms aren't sitting at home, seeing their beautiful daughter's fugging it up all over the pages of the fashion magazines, and they're not entering into the prayin' and trevailin' at home.

What?! *gasp* Oh, eeeuw, you already own a pair? Well, here's my advice, run, do not walk, run to your nearest incinerator and burn the damn things. That's right, I said burn them, Girlfriend. They should not even go on the feet of the poor and homeless. That will only perpetuate this fuggly fad to imperpetuity and, really, what we want is for this fad to end as soon as possible. (And, btw, is it just me, or is it truly bizarre that all these vegetarian-vegan-PETA-Activist,-animal-loving-holier-than-thou-because-I-am-richer-more-popular-and-more-beautiful- than-thou celebs, like Pamela Anderson and Cameron Diaz, et al, are wearing suede boots?)

They're Ugly! Say it, Girl! C'mon, they are ugly. Look at them, sittin' there on the floor of your closet taking up the space that two adorable pairs of Manolo Blahnik's could fit into. Those big-nasty-sweaty-clunky-chunky, makes-your-ankles-look-thicker-than-your-hips, makes-your-thighs-look-bigger-than-their-size looking thangs. They look like they belong on the big, clunky foot of a bear, not the dainty, nicely pedicured piddies of a lady. Now, don't say I never did nuttin' for ya, because that right there, is pure gold, and it's going to save you from lookin' nasty downtown and let me ask you, aren't there enough ratty-lookin' women runnin' around on the streets without us having to add to all the fugliness? Um-hum. More importantly, do we really need to have our lives fugged up anymore than they already are? I, for one, do not need to have more competition for my man's attention than I've already got in this world. Every time I add some fuggliness to my life is one less glance he makes at my junk, imho.

Let's just once more compare, shall we? On the left, we have a pair of Ugg clogs, or, as they call them, Cluggettes, (how drole), and on the right, Manolo Blahnik. Is it really a difficult choice to make, even before you've had your double-espresso-cocoa-moco-choco-latte?

<- Ick!

Ahhh! ->

<- gag

claps->

Is Blahnik a li'l too rich for your blood? Sadly, it's a li'l too rich for mine, too, right now, so let's look at a nice pair of shoes at a more comparable price to the Cluggettes, which market for $70.

Let's take the Matisse mule, retails for $55 at Macy's, on the left:

Saweet!

Or, the adorable, Ginger Goff mule, on the right, also at Macy's, only $69!

Two snaps! You go, Girls!

Of course, if you're like me, and totally broke, you go to Pay Less and buy yourself these adorable Jeri Slings, retails $18, on the left:

Or the cute, Lulu pumps, right, for $22, (such a deal, but look at that heel! woo-wee!) Can't you just see yourself greeting hubby, (ice pack in hand), in a French-maid costume and these cute kicks? lmao!

**Diva Tip: Rule of thumb, if you're not Dutch, clogs don't belong in your home, let alone on your feet, except as plantars. They look really cute in the garden with pansies or violets growing out of them.

So, that's our Fuggly lesson for the day. Your homework is to go out there and un-fugify your life by getting rid of the fuggly on the floor of your closets.

*sighs* Says to self, "Now, I've really done my bit to uplift the human race for the day." I truly deserve those Matisses, don't you think? Hmmm. Now, where was that site...?

(This entry inspired by those Divine Diva Fashionistas over at Go Fug Yourself! I can only hope that I did them proud. Tee-hee) So it's off-topic, so sue me!

Friday Wish List

2006-01-19T23:47:00.000-08:00

Ok, I'm having my weekly Girly moment. lol They used to come daily, but now it's weekly. I'll take whatever I can get these days.

I want a shoe wall. And, I want his and hers closets. I'm tired of having to pull all my pwetties out of the boxes they're packed in, to see if they fit again. I want my own closet, and by closet, I mean, bedroom, to hang my clothes in so I can walk in and say "chello" to Liz, Amalfi and Tommy-babeh. I don't wear my "nice" clothes, which in the city would be my everyday clothes, right now, because the dirt up here is red and I don't want it to stain my expensive duds. So, they sit all lonely, sad and wrinkled in their boxes, waiting the day when we exodus this freak pad and journey to our next destination, which had better be a freaking city! lol Oh, right, I can't forget hubby's Hugo Boss sportswear (translate suits), which he almost never wears unless I force him to go to a "function" with me, where he has to dress up. So, he'll need a 4'x4' space for his collection of clothes that he never wears. I'm actually surprised he lets me force him to keep them, 'cuz he hates going to parties and anything social gives him the willies. How did I marry such a shy guy? What up wit dat?! He could probably live with a 2'x2' closet, but out of reverence for the Boss... I guess he could put his shoes in the extra space, right?

Ok, have you ever seen that show on Tool Time, (Tim Allen's old show from the 90's)? Well, if you're a fan, you'll know what I'm talking about. When I saw that dufus build his wife a motorized closet where her shoes marched out to the tune of Toy Soldiers, (I think, correct me if I'm wrong), I just about dropped to my knees in worshipful prayer, tears streaming down my cheeks, begging God to bless this po' chile' wit a shoe closet like that. Just think how happy my Amalfi pumps would be in there? And they could sit down the road from Liz, Marc, Mike (Kors, of course, duh!), and Alfani and say, "chello!" , whenever they wanted to. Oh, yeah!

So, I want to know, where's my shoe wall?! Where's my motorized, automated, talking closet?! Btw, if I had a talking closet, sorry, but I would not want Tim Allen's voice talking to me. Let Hugh Lorie, Pierce Brosnan, Antonio Banderas or Maurice Benard, say, "Good Morning, Beautiful, and what would you like to slip into?", to me. Oh, yeah. How could any woman have a bad day when they hear those sexy voices talking to her first thing in the mornin'? Oh, Lordy! Mmm-Mm. I'd know I'd just died and gone to heaven if I woke up one morning to see my big-ass closet-bedroom with motorized shoe wall/closet, with all my outfits seperated by color and then designer, and my shoes NOT rubbing up against one another, but politely standing apart, yet next to each other like good little soldiers, all in their perfectly shined and bling-elated glory. (And that's probably just when I'll see it, too: right before or right after I die, with my luck).

Ok, snobby, gimme moment of the week is over.

Caregivers

2006-01-19T08:27:00.000-08:00

Ok, first of all, I don't know why, but the word Caregiver kind of bugs me. I mean, it's true that my husband gives good care, but theres so much more than just caring that he does for me, that that word kind of wimpifies who he is. Then, there's also the fact that it implies that I can't care for myself. Now, in alot of ways that's true, but it's not like I need spongebaths or to be handfed, so until I'm in a nursing home and unable to do any of those things for myself, I'm not going to like that term. However, it's the common term that people use to describe people who give assistance to people who need help and there is a tone of respect that you take when you refer to a Caregiver, so I guess that's a good thing, because most certainly Caregivers do deserve your respect.

I thought since I bitch and moan so much about how much pain I'm in all the time, (lately I'm averaging a 6-7 on the pain scale, yuk!), I should probably spend a little time talking about what you could do if you have a spouse or loved one who suffers from migraines to help her.

When I'm in an accute phase of migraine, where my pain level shoots way up there, my husband will act like my go-fer. I hate asking him, (or anyone, for that matter), to do stuff for me. I've always been really independent and it bugs me that I have to depend on him to help me out, but that's the fact of the matter. I do have to depend on him. So, if I need my meds and it hurts just way too much to even move, he'll bring me my pills. He brings me an ice pack, turns off lights, fields kiddie questions from our daughter, brings me drinks, writes down the times I take my meds and my pain level on my diary, so we won't forget and basically takes charge of making sure I don't take more too soon. He even brings me a plastic bowl to barf in if I'm really nauseaus. If I need to go to the hospital, he doesn't question my decision, he doesn't huff and puff about it, he just helps me get ready to go and we go.

My disease has a major impact on Hubby's life and time. We used to enjoy going out to dinner occasionally, going to the movies, going for long drives, and going on family outtings. These are all the fun things that he misses out on, too, because I'm not mobile that way anymore. Heck, we used to even find time to have sex, but, because my migraines are effort-induced, (I forget the technical name of it, but that's what it means), we don't get to do that anymore, either. I'm pretty sure that neither of us ever thought that our marriage would be less than equal, but it is. As a feminist, that really irks me, but it's also my reality, so I have to deal with it. The truth is that all the work falls on his shoulders and, when I'm dopey on drugs, all the decisions also fall on him. That's alot for a guy to have to handle on his own. I'm sure that he never expected to have to take care of two babies in life, my daughter and me, but he does.

To his credit, he doesn't make me feel like it's all my fault this happened to us and he hasn't left me, yet. Though, if he ever did want to, I'd totally understand.

So, if you want to know how you can best support and assist someone with migraines, just ask the migrainer what he/she needs from you. Then, if she says, just leave me alone, don't be offended. She's telling you that the best thing you could do is turn off the lights and let her be in complete silence for awhile. When she reemerges, then that's when you can give her a big hug and welcome her back to the land of the living. If she tells you that you could do some things to make her more comfortable, then do those things QUIETLY and don't require her to say alot. It hurts to talk when you have migraines. Hell, it hurts to think! But, I have to tell you that, no matter how helpless you feel by not doing anything, if that's what she wants, then do it. She'll be eternally grateful for your understanding afterward and she'll show it. Most of all, be understanding if a migraneur has to cancel her date with you at the last moment. We don't schedule the pain, it unfortunately comes right when we least expect it. One of the big bummers about migraine is that it seems to come right when you're about to have fun, or while you're having fun. It's a fun-thief! So, if your friend/spouse starts migraining while you're having the time of your life at a party, drop everything and take her home and don't give her static and tell her she does it on purpose, because that just makes you look like a real asshole. One thing that most of the migraneurs mentioned is that they like to be checked on from time to time. One woman said that her thoughtful husband installed a wireless doorbell between their bedroom and the other end of the house, so that he'll know if she needs anything, because she likes to be left alone in a dark room. I thought that was so sweet.

I don't like to be left alone for that very reason. If I'm out of sight, I also tend to be out of mind, and I'd never get the help I need to get more meds, a drink, or be led blindly to the bathroom. That doorbell idea sounds really good to me. So, hail to the Chief, he's the Chief and I shall hail him. My husband is truly a qualified helper, which seems to be the definition of a spouse in the bible. The bible calls us an "help meet for...". There's a big difference between help-mate, which is how most people read that scripture, and someone who's qualified to help you out when you're in big trouble in my book. It's like the difference between having a pal who's clueless with you when you're bleeding to death and having an EMT, who knows just exactly what to do to handle the situation. It takes skill and brains.

What do you do for your migraining loved one? What do you like to have done for you when you're having a migraine? Please, leave a comment and let me know about your "caregiver" or what you'd want him to do if you had one.

Escaping Hell

2006-01-13T13:12:00.000-08:00

I found these "Get Out of Hell Free" cards and totally cracked up. I need like 365 of these. Do you think if I had one for each day of the year, I could escape this hell I'm in? lol Think it would work? Hmm. Check them out.

Plan B

2006-01-13T11:08:00.000-08:00

I am one of those rare people who actually does make and keep their new year's resolutions. Quaint, I know, but I've always been a goal-oriented person, so it actually fits very nicely within my A-type-overachiever-personality-bordering-on-neurotic.

The key to keeping your resolutions, I've found, is to make them reasonable and attainable. Once you do that, then you'll have that sense of purpose throughout the year and a sense of pride as you complete each goal, which makes you want to do it again the next year. Another key is to reward yourself for attaining your goal. The final key is to set a deadline for each goal.

Over the past year, I've constantly blogged about finding a way, or ways to accept my disease. But, I didn't want to only accept it, but learn to embrace it, which is even more difficult. As a matter of fact, that's why I started this blog was to figure out how to embrace the enemy. Looking back over my posts and reflecting on my life in the past year, I feel that I have finally come to the point of accepting that my situation likely will not ever change.

I know that some of you are sitting there thinking, "So you're just going to give up?", " That's it?", "Why are you being so negative?" and other such thoughts are going through your mind. This couldn't be further from the truth. I have to face reality, though. I'm not being negative or giving up all hope of finding an effective treatment. I'm simply living in the present. Sure, things could change in the future and I could inherit millions from a rich aunt whom I've never met, before; or I could be miraculously and spontaneously healed. (Wouldn't that be lovely? lol ) The cold, harsh reality, though, is that that most likely will not ever happen to me. If I keep living in the past or in the future, my today will never happen.

So, I think that one of the steps toward being able to embrace this disease is to make a plan B. My own contingency plan, only , instead of starting it with "If *blank* should happen, then this is what I will do...", I will start it out with, "This is where I'm at right now, so this is what I can do according to my present reality..."

I thought I'd enlist your help. I need to make a short list of about 5 goals that I can reasonably accomplish this year. What would you suggest for my goals? What can I do this year, considering what my current lifestyle (well, you should probably take the "style" out of that, since I really have no style right now, lol), can support and enable me to do? Please, post your ideas here. Post as much as you like and as often as you like. I've been drawing a blank about what I am able to do, but you'd be more objective and would be able to come up with things that I'd probably never even think about. Here is a category suggestion, but I don't want you to limit your opinions to just this, ok? Find a simple, legal way to make money from my desktop at home.

Thanks for your help, everyone. I appreciate it. Once I decide what would work, I'll publish the results and will also publish the suggestions. That'll be fun.

Awakening to the Present

2006-01-11T17:48:00.000-08:00

I was reading the December 21st entry in Colin's blog and he wrote, "You don’t get to choose what happens to you, but you do get to choose how to respond to it." I agree. That's what I've been trying to figure out this past year, in a nutshell.

I really struggle sometimes with the fact that I'm NOT going to die from this disease, yet it still has stolen my life. There is a real crisis of identity when that happens. I struggle with jealousy, especially when I'm in alot of pain without relief, like I've been the past couple of weeks, because there are people with terminal diseases who can still DO things; and, here I am, able bodied in every way, except one, and imprisoned by pain. So, I guess I have my tantrum, my pity party, and then I get over it and move on, until the next time.

I admire Colin's decision to not turn this into a battle. He's very right. It's not a battle or even a war anymore. Alot of people want to "fight" their disease and not "give up". Well, that's all well and good if there's a possibility of winning, like with cancer. With my disease, like Colin's (ALS), there isn't. The only possibility is to try to diffuse it's power over my life as much as possible. Really, it take's wisdom to know when to give up and when to keep fighting.

I've been working on embracing my enemy over this past year and what that means. The Tibetan-bhuddist philosphy is that you should embrace your enemy, because by holding him close, he can't point his gun at you and he can't kill you. My enemy, certainly, without a doubt, is migraine. Obviously, dealing with migraine is going to be different than dealing with a person. There isn't any reciprocity, there. Therefore, I am the one who must change. If the wall won't move, and there's no way around, over or under it, then I have to change my strategy. Until now, I've been looking at my migraines as obstacles to overcome or find a way around. That's exhausting, for one thing, and for another it's an excercise in futility. It's the wrong way to think about it. They're actually more like a wall that stretches out for infinity in every direction. When you see it that way, you realize how pointless it is to struggle, fight, and rail against the inevitable.

So, how do I embrace it, learn from it, accept it's reality in my life, when my life was just beginning to get good? I was just starting to succeed in business. I was just starting to really enjoy life as a wife and mother, able to relax into that role, with a happy little family, something I've always wanted. I was just starting to get involved with ministering at church, (don't laugh). I was just starting to get involved with the community. I was just starting to figure out who I was and be comfortable with it. I was just starting to bloom, basically. Things were just starting to fall into place for me. (Not that things were perfect, things never are and I had my fair share of angst and struggles just like anyone else. Just wanted to clarify that, lest you think I'd lost my mind). I used to wonder if it would have been easier on me if this had come toward the end of my life, or perhaps when I was in my late 50's, after I'd had the chance to accomplish something. Then, I'd be able to look back and say, "Yeah, I've got this disease and it's a real bitch, but when I was young I... (fill in the blank with major accomplishments)". But, disease is never that convenient and so, now, I have to adjust, like Colin, to my new life. So, this year, I plan on coming up with a plan B. That's something you don't think about very much when you're young and fairly healthy. lol (More on that, tomorrow.)

Once again, I'll say that acceptance is one of the keys to having inner peace. Because I've come to the point where I accept that this is how my life will be for the rest of my life, I'm now asking, "Now what do I do?" That's why I want to come up with a plan B. It's really weird to realize that at 33, I have to come up with a whole new mental image of what my life is going to be like. We all have a mental picture of our ideal lives, our ideal selves and then we make our plans and goals according to attaining as close a life as we can to that mental picture that we have. There's peace in that, too, though, because I'm not constantly waiting for things to change or get better. That's what the wisdom of acceptance, surrender and "giving up" is all about. I have to let go of my past, my preconceived notions of what my life was going to be like, other people's ideas of what my life "should" be like, in order to embrace the reality of the present.

Year in Review, Cont'd, or So, Did I Learn Anything?

2006-01-10T12:51:00.000-08:00

If I had to sum up this past year, I’d have to say that I feel like I’ve come to accept my “new” life. It’s a very tenuous treaty at this point, because I’m sure that I’m not done erupting and fuming about it, but I am grounded in the realization that I will probably never know life without pain, again. Though I have learned to accept my enemy, I'm not sure that I've learned, yet, to embrace it. I don't know if that will ever happen, but certainly it could not have happened in only a year. That is something that takes a lifetime to practice. What I do know is that acceptance is a big key to finding peace, true inner peace. A year ago, I didn't think I could do even that.

Here’s the rest of my past year in review:

September
THE Appointment, this month was pretty lean, with only a few posts as I tried to adjust to a new treatment regimen, now that I finally got insurance and was able to see a pain management specialist. Hmm. Doesn’t seem like it was that long ago.

October
When Will I Learn?, talked about how my dreams seem to correlate strongly with my real life nightmare, Migraines. This was also a pretty lean month. Still trying to get used to the meds. As I remember, I was having a god-awful time of trying to just stay awake, until the doc prescribed a med to counteract the sedating side effects of the meds and I was dealing with incredible nausea. I lost about 10 lbs. purely from worshipping the porcelain god. It's effective, but not the healthiest way to lose weight.

November
Respecting Yourself--Another Step Toward Acceptance, back to embracing the enemy again, and learning to accept even the things we wish we could change about ourselves in order to respect our own selves.

December
Migraneurs Bill of Rights, This is just plain important for us to remember and to carry with us. We deserve to be treated with dignity by ourselves and others. This is empowering.
A Visit From the Migraine Fairy, How and when to go to the ER for help; how to make it a better experience than you’ve had in the past.

So, how'd I do? Am I too "last season" now? Should I hang the hat on the rack? or Is there something that you would've liked to have seen me post about, that I didn't? What do you think about my blog? Do you have any ideas on how I can improve it? Do you have a blog, relevant to chronic pain or migraines that you'd like me to link to, that is not already in my links list? If so, please, post your comments or ideas and let me know.

Finally, I just want to thank everyone who's read my blog this past year. You've gotten me through another year of hell.

Year in Review

2006-01-09T13:00:00.000-08:00

I started this blog one year and 154 posts ago, on the 7th. What have I been yammering about all year long? I thought it would be interesting to find out, so I looked back over the past year's posts:

January
The Enemy Within, I think this sums up why I started this blog in the first place. I want to learn how to embrace my enemy in the sense of learning from it and accepting the fact that it’s in my life and will be for the rest of my life.

February
Anger, talked about learning to deal with negative emotions and give them the validation they deserve. I talked a lot about anger, depression and frustration in February. I was trying to work through those emotions without getting completely swallowed up by them.

March
Intense Pain, I think this blog really summed up the month of March for me. It was my birthday month and I didn’t post very much, because I was in such excruciating pain that entire month. I didn’t think it would ever let up, but it did once or twice during the month.

April
Life Is Beautiful, talked about reincarnating hope from bitterness. Again, working through negative emotions and learning to embrace the enemy. It’s a constant effort, like gardening. You go in and pull out the weeds one day, knowing full well they’ll be back again. But, you go out the next day and do it all over again, hoping that you’ll see something beautiful come out of all the tending.

May
What's Good for the Goose, From what I can see, I was pretty fed up with all the hypocrisy in the medical field in May, again.
That's Such a Cliché, and getting pretty tired of hearing the pop-psychology, religious mumbo-jumbo that you hear from people who don’t know how uncompassionate and unfeeling they truly sound.
Being Empowered, and I guess this is one way that I found to deal with all those weirdoes. LOL

June
Loss of Freedom, describes how imprisoned I feel inside my own body, with our financial situation, and with the medical situation I was in, not having insurance, and, thereby, my lack of choice considering my own care, and my limitations. So, I guess I was grieving for all of that loss.

July
Are You Bored Yet?, I’ve been getting really bored with myself. Spending too much time alone and holed up in a hovel will do that to you, especially during my favorite months, the summer months, when, normally, I’d be out swimming and hiking and enjoying the sunshine.

August
What is Compassion?, I was pretty fed up with being treated badly and hearing about my other migraneurs friends and how they’re treated by not only the medical community, but their loved ones as well, that I wrote this blog as a primer, in addition to these other ones:
Empathy , self explanatory
Oh, The Things You'll Hear, examples of the kinds of comments we get
Dependency vs. Addiction, it’s good to know the difference before you start to accuse someone of being addicted
The Untouchables, talks about migraines being an invisible disease that no one wants to acknowledge

I'll cover the end of the year, in the next post. Thank you everyone whose encouraged me through the blogging process this past year. You know who you are: you're the ones who read my drivel; who leave comments or email me; and who pray for me. Thank you for getting me through to base camp. I've still got a long way to go.

I'm F-f-f-freezing

2006-01-08T01:28:00.000-08:00

I don't think I've ever explained what Reynaud's Disease is, so, since I'm sitting here, in a room with the heater up to 85 degrees, and the room is at 90, and I'm sitting under 2 electric blankets, an afghan and a wool blanket, wearing two pairs of pajamas and a sweatshirt, thinking about it, I thought I should write about Reynauds.

Ok, so Reynauds Disease is a little different from Reyndauds Phenomenon, so I'll talk about both, but what I have is the Disease. So, what happens is that the reynauds patient is really sensitive to cold. We can, literally, get frostbite from sitting in front of a draft. It affects mostly your extremities: fingers, toes, nose, etc. When they're exposed to cold, the extremities go into spasm from the blood vessels constricting. It's pretty painful, I can tell you, just like frostbite would be. So, your spasming and then the color changes, just as if you were out in the snow for awhile without your gloves on. They go from white to blue to red. Depending on the type of attack and how long it lasts, is how your body reacts. For instance, I tend to get blue and white for long periods of time when I'm having an attack. My fingers stiffen up, as do my toes. The end of my nose starts to prickle or burn. As a matter of fact, it's very possible, if the attacks are bad enough and frequent enough that the patient will actually get ulcers on the skin and that can lead to gangrene, just as if she was suffering from frostbite, because, in essence, that's what it is.

So, I have to stay covered up all the time. Now, since I've been on the duragesic patch, I actually have been warmer than I have in years. That's also why I really loved the climate in Austin, Texas. The combination of heat and moisture really helped. I still had Reyndauds and the attacks, but not as often and not as severe as I've had since I moved back to Northern California.

Women are 3 times more likely to have Reynauds than men. People in colder climates experience it more often than their counterparts in warmer climes, however, I would like to say, imho, that I think that it bothers people who have it more if they live in cold climates, rather than people who have it and live in warm climates. When I lived in TX, I didn't even use the air conditioning on hot days, except if I knew my family was going to be home. Then, I would just put on more clothes and wear sweaters. Another thing that's wonderful is a hot tub. That helps my stiff limbs so much when I'm having an attack. I'd go dip in the hot tub and then jump out and drive back to the apartment and jump into my hot electric-blanketed bed. I was a happy girl. lol

But, tonight, sucks, because my legs are so stiff. I can't get warm. I've taken two hot showers and am under TWO electric blankets, plus all the other blankets, my sweats and jammies, a sweatshirt, etc. and I'm still FREEZING! What the hell kind of insanity is this?

So, is there anything that can be done? Yes, there is. This is something none of my doctors ever told me about and I guess they've known about this medication to treat Reynauds for 10 years. Shame on all my previous doctors! I"ve been diagnosed with this disease for about 10+ years. I've had it probably since I was a teen, becuase when I look back at pictures of my summer vacations, I always am wearing a sweater. My mom used to tell me to take my sweater off when we'd have guests or just when she was hot, because I made her feel hotter! I distinctly remember that. So, I know I've had this a long time. It is really hard on my skin, too. I hate it. The treatment is a blood pressure medication to open up the blood vessels. It's called a vasodilator. Unfortunately for me, my doctor doesn't think it's wise for me to go on that kind of med, because it would make my migraines even worse than they already are. Wah!

Anyway, I said I'd tell you about the phenomenon, too, right? The difference is in what causes the disorder. The disease symptoms can be caused by simply reaching into the fridge or holding your hands under cold water (which I never do. It's just too painful). It can be caused by sitting in a draft, or not paying attention and letting my body get too cold. It can also be caused by stress. I think this attack is a combination of cold and stress. I've been in hell the past two weeks with my migraine attacks. I can't get them to calm down at all. But, it's a little better, today, so of course, I can't just have a nice day and leave it at that, right?

The phenomenon produces the same symptoms, but is caused by an underlying disease like lupus, scleroderma, rheumatoid arthritis, carpal tunnel syndrome, smoking, injuries and certain medications. Reynauds is considered an auto-immune disease, which is why if someone sneezes within ten miles of me, I'll catch bronchitis or at least a bad cold that lingers for two weeks! Oy vey!

Carnival of Compassion #16

2006-01-02T03:15:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year, Bloggers, and welcome to the Carnival of Compassion. I have read such wonderful posts by other bloggers who've participated, like TMJ Friends, Diabetes Mine, and Chronic Babe, to name but a few, that I feel privileged to even be in their company. I only hope that I can do this important cause justice.

One of the wonderful things about blogging is that you get a glimpse into people's souls and definitely a window seat on the reality that they live in. It puts some perspective on your own situation, to be sure, but I have to say that more than that it's given me the strength that I've often lacked, to continue facing, head-on, this damned affliction. I began to correspond with a few bloggers after reading their blogs and the friendships and associations that bloomed from that humble beginning has nourished me when I've been starved for compassion. That, to me, is what this carnival is all about. We can empathize with one another on a level that no one else possibly can. We can learn from each other, gaining insight into our own situations from reading about how someone else handled theirs. We can encourage one another to persevere, because we know exactly what they need to hear at that moment to motivate them and most of all to remind them that they have the right to be treated with dignity. When I'm shown compassion, it reminds me that this world is still full of good things, good people and gives me the reason that I need to continue on for one more day.

Moogle's Thoughts always seems to shine a positive light on her chronic migraine status. She goes through hell, but hangs on to her faith in God to see her through the darkest times. Her blog has encouraged me more times than I can count and I was reminded by her that there are positive aspects to every situation, no matter how dark or hopeless it may seem.

The Daily Headache is a blog that I rely on consistently for updated news on new treatments, medications, breakthroughs and reminders to keep looking for effective treatments to upgrade my quality of life. Her information is always spot-on and well researched, so I've come to really count on her blog to keep me in the know.

I love to read this Nurse's blog, because it reminds me that there are concerned and compassionate care-givers in the world. I, and many migraneurs like me, just don't get to meet them often enough. But, they are out there. I feel that if you're fortunate enough to find a compassionate physician, thank God daily for it, because they seem to be few and far between when you're a chronic pain patient. I especially enjoyed her Christmas blog, because she has such a wonderful attitude about how and where she spends her time. I don't want to spoil it for you, so that's all I'm going to say about it. Here is a woman who practices presence and has it down to an art form on Christmas.

With the advancement of genetics research, we're learning so much about disease and it's origins. Migraine is thought to have a strong genetic link. If a family member has had it, then you'll probably get them. My case is different in that mine stem from an accident that I was in a couple years ago. However, I still hope that one day this research will lead scientist to produce a cure and certainly, so far, they've been able to develop better medications for us, than our parents' generation had. The Genetics and Health blog is written by a brilliant
epidemiologist, Hsien-Hsien Lee. It's fascinating, she's a very good writer, and I learn something new from her blog every day.

Long ago in my long-term care nursing days, I had a patient with ALS. I wish that she'd been able to keep a blog. She was a wonderful poet, but couldn't communicate very well at all and I remember how I wanted so much to give her everything that she needed, but I knew that we were falling short so often, simply because the communication wasn't there. I think that's why Colin's blog has warmed my heart like it does. He writes so honestly about his disease and how it's affecting him, that you can't help but be touched with compassion. And, what amazes me most, is the amount of compassion he displays for his loved ones and people he meets, because he knows that his disease affects their lives very profoundly, too. I wrote once about how we have to be just as present for our loved ones as they are for us, because what touches me, touches my hubby and my little girl as well.

I met my new friend, Aeryn, through reading her blog. She'd written about how she was having a difficult time getting her test results back from her doc's office. Now, this poor woman has had a huge struggle with Cancer and it seemed like it might be raising it's ugly head again. As you know, this is one of my peeves with the medical community. Here is something that needs to be taken care of ASAP, and here her doc's office was giving her the run around. Well, I don't think we have to put up with that kind of shit, so I told her that. I must say that I was as proud as a mama hen, when she next blogged about getting tough with the staff and she got her results. We have to advocate for ourselves and not get intimidated by the guys who like to show off their pigskins by hanging them on the walls. It's my body and I say what happens to my body. The doctors are simply members of my team to assist me in getting a better quality of life. That's the attitude we should have as patients.

Another blog that I read frequently is Living with ADD. Here's another disorder that doesn't get respected at all. If you have ADD or ADHD, then you know what I'm talking about. I was put on a bi-polar medication for almost two years by a doctor who most likely didn't "believe" in ADD. Puh-leeze. It's not a religion, it's a disorder and there is treatment for it. What I like about this blog and Adult ADD Strengths, another great resource blog, is that they treat this disorder with compassion and respect. Another thing I like is that both blogs play up the strengths of having this disorder. There are alot of really great strengths and leadership qualities that we have, but we need to learn how to channel them and how to compensate for the symptoms of ADD/ADHD.

Last week's host of the Carnival of Compassion was gabbr.com. This blogger addresses social issues that affect our world daily. Certainly health issues, and how they are treated by society as a whole, affects each one of us. We need to be reminded often to be compassionate toward one another, but what good are reminders if we do not learn HOW to show compassion?

Compassion is something that we cultivate in our lives daily. We can never have enough of it. We can never show enough of it. It's a continuous cycle. The more you give of it, the more you learn about it. And the more you learn about it, the more of it you have to give. Without love, life is not worth living a day. Think about that. If you didn't think that you mattered to a single being, what point would there be to even getting out of bed in the morning?

So, continue to cultivate compassion by participating in the Carnival of Compassion. We have so much to learn from each other. Go to Medsim.Net to learn about how Dr. Del got the idea to start the Carnival of Compassion and how you can participate as a blogger. It doesn't cost a thing. But, you'll get so much out of it, just from what you learn from other people. And, please, leave a comment if you've enjoyed this blog, if you'd like to participate in the Carnival, or if you want to tell me to bugger-off, because I'm getting on your nerves.

Next week's Carnival will be hosted by Bomb in My Belly.

The Morning Raunchies

2005-12-28T13:44:00.000-08:00

I know I promised that I'd be back yesterday, but my head and body have been completely rebelling against my extra holiday activities this year. I have been in so much pain, it's almost unreal sometimes, except for the fact that, I've actually been in this much pain and more before. One good thing about having been in alot of pain before is that when you're in a great deal of pain, you can tell yourself, "I've been here before and I survived it, so this too will pass." This too shall pass.

I had a really difficult early afternoon today, though. The tough thing about this is that it just hits you, "BAM!!" like that! There's no long build up, or warning, it just hits.

It all started when I went to the bathroom. You know how much fun that's been lately, right?! (I blogged about it before.) So, I have to go and I started crying and it hurt so bad. But, I did finally get rid of what I was supposed to get rid of. Then, I bled. It seemed like alot. Like, I'm toward the tail end of my period, but where I was bleeding from was a totally different place. My tp was soaked in bright red blood. Then, the water in the bowl turned bright red. That would scare a lesser man than I, but I am not a man, therefore, I was not very alarmed. I think I was just really angry. I'm really mad that for my head to feel better, I have to have hemheroids. For me to have just the tiniest bit of comfort, and it's not alot, because I still am not nearly up to the point of normalcy in my lifestyle- Not even! -I have to deal with severe constipation, bleeding from the butt, and intestinal pain. I already have IBS with constipation, so this has just made things that much worse. I honestly didn't think things could be worse than the way they already were with my IBS, but I'm now living proof that they can be.

So, I get through all of that and it's like my whole body decides to freak out. I started getting hot and getting the sweats, so I turned the heat down. That rarely happens,b ecause of the Reynaud's. I can't tolerate the cold at all. I can literally get frostbite just from sitting in a chilly room. Seriously. So, I turned down the heat and then I got the shakes and got super cold, so I got under my electric throw, a wool afghan and some other blankets, but got too hot, so I threw the blankets off and just ketp the afghan and the electric throw on.

Now, I'm curled up in a fetal position on the couch, shivering, with intestinal cramps and the nausea just rolls over me like a wave. I felt like throwing up and then I got stomach cramps and my head started hurting. And I thought, Gosh, if anyone saw me right now, like if I was on tv, they'd laugh, because no one would believe that this is my real life. And, now, I've got a reprieve and all the symptoms are abated, for now.

This totally bites. So, was it worth going to my mom's and being with my brothers for a little family Christmas party and dealing with the noise of little kids and noisy men? Was it worth being present with my own li'l fam to open presents and enjoy watching my daughter's face light up over her gifts? It seems very strange to me that I'd say, yes, I'd do the same thing again, even though it means that I'll be paying for it with my life over the next couple of weeks, literally. It seems strange that anyone would make that exchange. But, I'd be in pain whether I did that stuff or not. Maybe the pain would not be as acute as it is right now, but I'd still be in pain, because that's how I am all the time, anyway. This way, I at least have some nice memories and got to have some fun, which is sorely lacking in my life right now.

I hope your Christmas was good, too. I hope that whatever pain you may be in right now, was well-earned by having a fun and merry holiday get together with loved ones, be they family or friends.

Closed Until the 27th

2005-12-20T14:53:00.000-08:00

Hey, friends! I am going to take a mini-vaca until the 27th from writing. But, I'll be back, so keep me on your favorites list and maybe I'll have something interesting to say on the 27th. lol Thank you for your comments, support and for reading my blog this year. You're just too kind.

Have a Merry Christmas!

Must Have Books

2005-12-15T13:03:00.000-08:00

Ok, for those of you who can still read, I want to recommend two books. Now, you're going to say, "Jess, how can you recommend a book to us, when you can't read it, yourself?" Well, though that's true, my mom is reading one of these books to me and the other is written by someone I've come to know and admire as a vital resource, learned researchist and fellow migraneur and I'd trust anything she said without reservation. Put these on your last minute Christmas Lists, because they're so worthwhile and should be the first books you read in the New Year. You can purchase both of them at Amazon by clicking the title bar above.

First is Teri Robert's new book, and long anticipated, might I add? Living Well with Migraine Disease and Headaches : What Your Doctor Doesn't Tell You...That You Need to Know. I hope this book comes out online so that I can read it, because she has received awesome reviews on her book. She's spent years researching the subject, so she deserves every bit of praise that she's received on the culmination of her wisdom. If you want to read an interview with her by the World Headache Alliance, click here. And, Teri's website is on about.com, here. Way to go, Teri! You rock!

The other book is by Paula Kamen, also a fellow migraneur. My mom's been reading this book and then she gives me a summation of the chapters in our weekly phone calls. So far, Kamen's experiences eerily mirror my own, so I think that if you're a chronic migraneur, or even someone with chronic pain not necessarily from migraine, you're going to really be able to relate to her stories. She has alot of good advice on how to deal with it personally, professionally, and medically. She's been through alot and this book doesn't read like a textbook. Rather Kamen is informative, yet entertaining and poignant. She's a wonderful writer and it just so happens that she is a freelance writer as well. She has her own website here, but also has done an interview with The World Headache Alliance.

Goodbye to the Godfather of Migraine Treatment

2005-12-15T08:15:00.000-08:00

Can I nominate someone for sainthood? If I could, I'd nominate Dr. W. G. Speed, III. This wonderful man, and fellow migraneur, was just as shocked as we get, by the abusive and dismissive treatment he received when he sought medical attention for migraine pain and he decided to do something about it. That was back in the 1930's. Goes to show how slowly things actually change in the medical community.

In the sixties, Dr. Speed began touting ergotamines as a treatment for migraine pain and also proved the effectiveness of inhaling the ergotamine, rather than taking it in pill form, as a faster and better way of utilizing the medication. Throughout his career, he was an enthusiastic supporter of finding new and better medications to treat migraine disease.

As a matter of fact, if it weren't for Dr. Speed, migraine would still be classified as a psychological, psychosomatic disorder, rather than a disease with specific physiological epidemiology. According to his friend and colleague, Dr. Long, who also studies headache and chronic pain, Dr. Speed was all for "whatever therapy helped to treat patients, and he moved quickly to embrace the new drugs."

Toward the end of his career, he was studying how head and cervical trauma effected migraines and headaches. Dr. Speed died at the age of 87. Dr. Speed, you did your best to change your field for the better. Thank you. He died in November, but I wanted to memorialize him, here, because I thought it was fitting and because it encourages me to know that there are people out there who care about this disease and are working to find better and better treatments.

I hope they find a cure for it in my lifetime. If you'd like to contribute to research, please, click the title of this blog to find out how you can help be part of the cure.

A Visit From the Migraine Fairy

2005-12-13T13:46:00.000-08:00

I think today is as good a time as any to talk about Migraine First Aid and Treatment. People always ask me, "How do you know when to go to the ER for your migraine?" Most migraneurs will tell you that they'd rather have their entire upper jaw removed by a dental student, before they'd go to the ER for rescuing. Shocking, isn't it? Well, it wouldn't be shocking to you if you were a migraneur. Most migraneurs, when we hear statements like that, will just nod their heads, understandingly, and give an empathetic murmur. We get it.

When most people break an arm or badly sprain an ankle, they don't think twice about going to the emergency room to get treated. Why do migraneurs always go through enormous internal conflict about going when their pain levels reach 9 or 10 on the pain scale? It's because our first few experiences in the ER were so negative that we left feeling like a skanky low-life addict or at the very least, didn't get any relief there. You'd be amazed by the kind of remarks that migraneurs get when they go to the ER. Check out my blog entry, Oh The Things You'll Hear, and an even sadder entry about a woman who actually committed suicide, because of how she was treated at an ER visit.

There is something that we can do to prevent being treated like scum by the ER staff, though. Here's what you do. Keep a migraine diary, firstly. I can't imagine that any junkie would keep a migraine diary just so they can get a fix. That takes away the doctor's assumption that you're just there to get drugs from him, because your neighborhood dealer is skiing in Vale for Christmas.

The next thing you can do is have our pain management doctor or whoever treats your migraines fill out this Emergency Room Treatment form. Treat it like gold, because in it, your doctor will put how he wants you to be treated if you end up in the ER, because of migraine pain. There's one for Cluster Headache sufferers, too. I keep both on me, because I've had to go to the ER for both forms of head pain.

You'll be amazed at the difference in how you're treated when you go to the ER with the support of your personal doctor and backed up by your migraine diary. You may still have to wait in the ER, but you won't be abused as badly as before. And, if you do end up meeting up with a total jerk, then you have proof that he was negligent in perfoming his duties and can make a complaint against him with the Medical Board and his hospital.

It's possible that your doctor will balk at filling in the forms for you, but push him as hard as you can to do it anyway. The ONLY reason a doctor would balk about it is because he's worried on stepping on another physician's toes. I'd tell him to suck it up and get a pair of ovaries! Be a Woman, dude! It's not his head on the line, it's yours.

I hope that none of us has to go to the ER over the holidays, but I wanted to give you some resources, just in case. So, make sure that your doctor fills out those forms before he goes to Jamaica for the holidays. If you do have to go to the ER and you use the forms, please, let me know what the experience was like. My experience has been that my visits were so much easier to deal with once I had those papers in hand. Make sure that you keep them up to date, too. Whenever your meds or treatment plan gets changed, you need to update your forms.

It's also a good idea to always carry a page, jsut a Word.doc will do, with your allergies, previous surgeries/major hospitalizations and dates, and your current physical afflictions listed on it. I have this down to a science, now. When I go into the ER, I hand all the forms to the nurse, so that I don't have to talk more than absolutely necessary. She can just copy all the info down from the forms. Then, she makes a copy of my form and my diary, and intake is done and I'm credible. Voila!

You're So Vain...

2005-12-12T23:54:00.000-08:00

"I walk, invisible
No one sees
A pill to swallow
Makes me disappear
But, they couldn't see me anyways"

So, I actually got dressed today to go to a teacher conference at school. And, I'm putting on my new belt that I bought about a month and a half ago, when I discover that it's already too big! There's half a hand's width between my belt and my belly. Yay! I'm so happy, because I've gained alot of weight from inactivity over the past two years.

The weight where I feel sexiest AND healthiest is at 130-135#. I'm 5'71/2", so that's a perfect weight for me.

I've gotten up to 165#'s, which is very big for my frame and build. Ack! So, because of the evil (?) side effects, I've lost 20#'s so far, which brings me very close to my goal weight. Wow. When I get back to my goal weight, I'll fit in all my clothes again. Right now, I mainly hang out in some generic-ish jeans (I think they're gloria vanderbilt) and sweats.

I have visions of Calvin, Anne, Amalfi, Emma, Giorgio, Valerie, Ann Taylor, Tommy, Ralph, Donna K, Hugo and all my other favorite 'friends', dancing in my head while I dream these nights. Ahhh. Back to normalcy. Not that I can exactly wear them in this little hick town where Levis and Wranglers reign supreme. Besides, the dirt is red, seriously, around here and it turns everything it touches, red. And washing the clothes doesn't take it all out, because the iron is in the water too. It sucks. I know, I sound like a total snob. Well, I am one, so there! lol

So, which wonder drugs are taking away my appetite? Duragesic, Adderall, and the dilaudid all have appetite suppressants in them. So, there's another side effect of my wonder-drugs. At least this is a good one...for now anyway.

Alice, Can We Talk?

2005-12-11T23:34:00.000-08:00

"White Rabbit Lyrics
by Jefferson Airplane

One pill makes you larger
And one pill makes you small,
And the ones that mother gives you
Don't do anything at all.
Go ask Alice
When she's ten feet tall. "

Ok, so I hope you don't mind, but I've got to talk about these freakin' side effects. The duragesic patch makes me so constipated it seriously isn't funny. I mean, I literally cried today as I sat on my throne. This is so not good. And, worse, (I know, go ahead and give me a smack), I forget sometimes to take all the stool-softening-laxatives/laxativing-laxatives and then I'm in real trouble. This last time, it took seven days, that's a week for anyone who sucks at math, like me. That's not good.

Too graphic? Tough nuts. This is my life and my blog and I'll give whatever details I want. Just be thankful that I don't spill all the beans. (Of course, even if I could, it would take a week, so you're not in any real danger).

So, here's what I currently take for constipation. Let me know if I've missed anything, ok?

1 c. soy milk (chocolate, of course)
zelnorm
stool softener (safeway brand, believe it or not. It doesn't hurt as bad as the other brands do).
miralax (that's the stuff they give you to drink before you go get your colonoscopy)
fig newtons

I think that's it. I mean, look at that! The miralax alone would make most people spend the day on the toi. Not Irritable Bowel Me! I think I might be in a little trouble, so tomorrow I call my doc's office...again.

Oh, but here's the funny thing about it. I think I'd be losing alot more weight right now, if it wasn't all jam packed in my intestines. lol And, actually, despite that, I have lost close to 20#'s. More on that, tomorrow. :)

Please, Be Patient

2005-12-10T22:15:00.000-08:00

I'm working on this blog, trying to update it's look and get some links up as well. So, over the next several days I'll get that finished, but meanwhile, please have patience with my ineptness as I get this blog organized. Not easy for an ADDer! lol Thanks.

Well, That's Just Bass Ackwards!

2005-12-10T15:11:00.000-08:00

"Erich Kastner's, (1899-1974), children's book "Anna Louise and Anton" (1931) includes a definition of migraine which became a famous saying in Germany: "Migraine are headaches, even if you don't have any".

It's funny how things get turned around. Take this quote, for instance, this writer was talking about a type of migraine where you get the aura, but no head pain. The only problem is that the mainstream medical community took that to mean that you have the migraine because it's convenient for you to have one and that turns it into a psychological syndrome rather than the clinical disease that it actually is. It makes it easy for people to put the blame on the victim rather than have to make the effort to take action to prevent the pain or rescue the patient from the pain.

Kastner wasn't trying to say that I'm saying I have a migraine, because I want the attention, or don't want to do something that I'm supposed to do. Anyone who has children who have migraines knows that the last thing your poor kid wants to do is spend the day worshipping the porcelain god and laying down in bed with an icepack on their heads when all their friends are at the mall or outside playing ball.

Rather, Kastner was refering to a kind of migraine characterized by a lack of pain and just having the aura. I've met people online with this kind of migraine. It's really odd. I get both aura and migraine and I can only imagine how disconcerting it would be to only have the aura and never get the pain afterward. I'd have to say that it would be just about as bad as if they got the pain, too, because the aura beforehand is such an uncomfortable experience. You can read more about the kinds of symptoms you get with an aura here.

Acephalgic Migraine shouldn't be taken lightly, but it is. I mean, if there's no pain, then why have it treated? Just tough it out and get through it, right? But, it can be serious in that patients with this kind of migraine can completely lose their field of vision. I've also learned that this kind of migraine is sometimes diagnosed as occular migraine when really it might be an occipital migraine and there is a difference between the two. (I found that fact to be enlightening, because I was diagnosed with occular migraines.)

Often, patients are misdiagnosed, because the patient doesn't know how to describe their migraine accurately to the physician and the physician doesn't direct the patient on how to do that. So, if you experience this phenomenon, make an appointment to get the right diagnosis, because if it's left untreated, you could lose your field of vision. It's not something that you want to let go on, untreated and undiagnosed, for too long.

If I were more presumptious, I'd say that I wished I could get acephalgic migraines, instead of being in chronic migraine pain, but I've learned not to wish for anyone else's problems. They look good from where I sit, but if you talk to the people who actually experience this type of migraine, you learn that it's not a walk in the park. The grass never is greener on the other side of the fence, it just looks that way. They suffer every bit as much, just in a different way. It's still debilitating and, I believe, more frightening than having the head pain that accompanies the aura in case of migraine. I think it is scarier, because when it happens, it's out of the blue. When we have a migraine, most of us can say we knew it was coming, because we had an aura for so many hours or days beforehand. But, if aura IS the disease, then you've got no warning and all of a sudden you're sitting at a stop light and can't remember where you are or why you're there.

Acephalgic migraneurs can experience a variety of symptoms or just one or two of them, but from what I've been told by other's with this type of migraine, they've experienced the inability to speak; one side of their face feels "frozen"; temporary paralysis; inability to organize a thought; confusion and memory loss; as well as the usual symptoms of aura: nausea, vomitting, diarhea, mood change/irritability, the Alice in Wonderland Syndrome and a host of other symptoms. And this can last anywhere from an hour to a few days, depending on the person, just like typical migraines. I'm not sure that that would be better than what I experience and may even be worse. At least when I'm in pain I know who I am and where I am. I couldn't imagine getting stuck in the middle of nowhere, not knowing why I'm there, or being unable to move or speak for hours. I think that that might be worse.

Whether or not you experience head pain, you're still having a migraine if you experience aura and it's just as important to get diagnosed and treated for this disease. Migraine abortives are made for this very situation. People with the head pain are told to take them as soon as they get an aura in order to cut the pain off before it even begins. It's better to get rid of it sooner than later.

Imagine That!

2005-12-06T10:17:00.000-08:00

Ok, you may want to sit down for this one, or at least hold on to something sturdy. What I'm about to tell you may come as quite a shock. There is this movement called The Carnival of Compassion. The main point of this "Carnival" is to bring patient bloggers together and it "addresses issue pertaining to life, death, healing and disease." To learn more about it, just click on the title and it'll take you to that link. It's a way to learn about how different patients deal with their disease, new treatments or medical breakthroughs that directly affect their care, and about their caregivers and how they deal with the patient, the disease, and themselves.

I think this idea is long overdue. But, what's truly shocking is that this was started by a doctor! Yes, you read right, a doctor. It's like a miracle. Thus, I am encouraged a very tiny bit that there are good doctors in the world who do want to cultivate compassion in their lives and practices. I sure wish there were more of them, though. I wish there was an obvious, united front full of compassionate doctors but, for now, I will be thankful that there is at least one compassionate doctor in the country, Dr. Dell. Perhaps, as his idea for this Carnival catches on, the spirit of compassion will spread to his colleagues and thereby trickle down to us, the patients.

Just imagine going to the ER with a migraine and not being assaulted with a bunch of bullshit about how you're just a desperate junkie out to use the poor, naive, defenseless doctor as your dealer; but instead you are ushered quickly into a dark room where a doctor shows up only a couple minutes later, (rather than 2 hours later), and in hushed tones, (rather than the usual loud, gruff, snarl), asks how you're doing and what usually works for your migraines? And, just for one luxurious moment, imagine being given rescue medications immediately and, having actually been listened to by the doctor, you're given the exact medications in the exact dosages that you tell him have always worked for you in the past. (Most of us would be happy if the doctor would just call our PCP and ask her if we're on the up 'n' up, and they don't even do that!)

Imagine the doctor believing that you're in pain when he sees you curled up in a fetal position, crying your eyes out. Imagine a doctor that pats you gently on the hand and tells you that you're going to feel a whole lot better after this initial little stick? Imagine having a doctor who is willing to do a little research to find out if there are any medical treatments, any at all, that he didn't suggest, yet, for your pain. A doctor who won't just give up on you, because he hasn't found something that works for you yet? A doctor who, after exhausting all other avenues, will put you on a pain killer without making you feel like it's basically your fault, somehow, and you're just a loser who wants drugs and won't cooperate with the other forms of medication. (Is it my fault that I'm allergic to a quarter of the medications, a quarter of the medications are contraindicated because of my other diseases and the other half don't work? I'm not trying to be difficult. Being on medication of any kind is not my idea of a satisfying lifestyle.) Imagine not having to beg for refills on your medication when you run out a day or two early?

Imagine a world with doctors who really do care about their patients more than they care about their own prejudicial fears? What a wonderful world to live in that would be. What a difference in how a patient would feel about themselves as they leave the hospital or office. Instead of leaving feeling like a big, fat zero who isn't any better than the gum this doctor scraped off his shoe this morning, you leave feeling like you're a human being to be respected and treated with the dignity you deserve as one of God's own creations? Imagine that!

I'm really sorry to have to do this, but you have to snap out of it and come back to the real world, now.

Migraneur's Bill of Rights

2005-12-04T14:30:00.000-08:00

It's so important that we know these "rights" by heart and BELIEVE THEM! Because, when we can have these truths cemented in our minds, we can hold our heads high, no matter what situation we're in and command the respect that we deserve, and need. Also, I think it will take the apology out of our voices when we have to tell someone, "No, I can't make it to that event right now," or "I wish I could help you out with that project, but I've got as much as I can handle on my own plate, right now."

I was thinking about how if I walked around with my head shaved bald and wearing a hat, I'd get a whole different reaction from other people than I do now. If part of Migraine Disease was losing my hair, you can be sure that I'd get allot of attention and empathy for it. People wouldn't be telling me what I "should" be doing, i.e. you should be working form home, you should be doing housework, you should be doing all the shopping and errands, etc. I wouldn't hear, "you should be's". I'd be hearing, "is there something that I can do for you's?"

The biggest problem with this disease is that it's invisible to everyone but me. To me, it's more real than the chair I'm sitting on. Even on good days, I can't completely enjoy the good feelings, because I know that in the shadow is the dark Monster, ready to pounce at its perverted whim. So, my gift to my fellow-migraneurs this year is permission to say, "I'm important. I come first." Because if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

From American Council for Headache Education (ACHE)

I have a right to...
1. I have a right to be taken seriously by my physician when I go for treatment of my headaches.

2. I have a right to complete and thorough medical examination, including a medical history and complete neurological evaluation.

3. I have a right to appropriate diagnostic testing, including neuro-diagnostics, CT scans and MRI scans, if necessary, when my headache is first evaluated, and when the headache pattern or severity changes.

4. I have the right to be referred to a specialist - for example, a neurologist, a headache specialist, or a headache clinic if my headaches do not respond to my primary physician's treatment, or if my primary physician feels a specialist's care is needed.

5. I have the right to receive specific headache therapy, if needed, instead of non-prescription drugs, narcotics, or combination analgesics that may increase the problem.

6. I have the right to ask for a comprehensive, written treatment plan that will tell me exactly how to use my preventive medications and non-drug preventives and, complete instructions on what to do when a headache occurs.

7. I have the right to return for additional help whenever my treatment plan seems to be inadequate to control my headache.

8. I have the right to be treated courteously and responsibly in emergency room, if a severe headache fails to respond to my usual treatment plan.

9. I have the right to expect my insurance company to recognize migraine as a legitimate medical illness as any other illness such as diabetes, arthritis, etc.

10. I have the right to expect those around me - family, friends, co-workers, and others who come in contact with me to make an effort to understand my illness and to cooperate with me in my efforts to live a full, rich life.

A Couple of Our Supporters, Please Help

2005-12-01T22:36:00.000-08:00

Thought it was really interesting that our president is supportive of migraine awareness and supportive of the National Pain Care Policy Act. Yay! Now, if only he were the Surgeon General! That would REALLY be something. Well, one can wish, can't one?

Please, support migraine research and the development of effective medication by purchasing a wristband. Even though it's a small donation, every little bit helps. You can go to the link above to donate. Please, do that for me. It would mean so much to me. It is such an important cause. Just think, you could actually effect a positive change in people's lives and change the future. Yes, I really do believe that! Stop laughing! I can be an optomist once a year. Just don't expect it all the time. (lol) But, seriously, this is something tangible and exciting. Something that you could really be proud to support. In other words, put your money where your empathy is. Thank you.

Ok, so now that you've done it, tell me. I want to thank you personally and I want to know how you felt when you clicked that link, ok? Thanks.

Respecting Yourself--Another Step Toward Acceptance

2005-11-30T21:34:00.000-08:00

"Respect Your Wiring
Some people are excitable, while others are placid. Some people excel at following directions, while others are best at improvising. Most of us spend a tremendous amount of our lives wishing that we were wired differently, that we could magically shift the basic aspects of our personalities at will. This creates self-opposition, which keeps us from being present to what is. Accepting something about ourselves that we’ve long resisted, by contrast, is a wonderful way to relax into the Now.

The Practice: Select one aspect of your wiring that you consistently disdain. Perhaps you’re shy or talk too much. Perhaps you tend to isolate yourself or to socialize compulsively. Whatever it is, give yourself a moment to stop fighting. Just let it be. You don’t have to like it–just accept it. See how it feels to live without any opposition toward this trait. Keep going until you’re loose, expanded, and flowing with energy. Ironically, to whatever degree change is possible, this type of energy is exactly what will bring it about."

(I wish I could remember where I read this, the other day, but I guess I forgot to copy the source as well as the content, so if you know, please tell me so I can give proper credits.)

After reading this, I began to think, once again, about the importance of accepting my disease in the effort to cultivate peace in my life.

How often do we complain about our hair? If it's curly, we want it straight; if it's brunette, we want blonde, etc. Well, you can imagine how often I wish that I didn't have migraines. I wish that things were as they used to be when I was able to do so much more than I can now. I hate the migraines that have destroyed my life. And, so, isn't it ironic that I now have to accept my greatest enemy as a permanent fixture in my life. Because of that, I have to accept so many other things about myslelf that when I do this excercise, it seems like the list could be endless. Not only do I have to accept my hips and tummy, which, shallow as that may seem, is difficult enough, but I also have to accept the fact that I can't just get up and go to the mall; or "simply" go out to dinner, both of which take alot of pre-planning in order to do. And the mall, *shudders*, well, need I say that the thoughts of more than 15 minutes under flourescent lighting, with noise, and food court and perfume smells abounding, gives me the willies? I have to make sure that I've packed my medication; my rescue meds; my rescue emergency letter, in case I end up in the emergency room while we're on the road; take my meds before I leave, so the bumpy road won't hurt as much; my neck brace, to stabilize my neck on the bumpy road; and, last, but certainly not least, I have to plan WHEN I will leave and come home, because when I go out for a day that usually means that I'll be on the couch in pain for 1-4 days afterward, depending on how big a day it is. (It's worth it, though, just to get out of this stuffy little trailer, so worth it!).

Does that mean that because I accept the fact that I have alot of limitations in what I'm able to do and how much I can do, that I stop looking for treatments that will raise the quality of my life? Of course not. I may accept the fact that there are ants in my house, but that doesn't mean that I won't call in the exterminator to get rid of them. I'm not defeated by generating acceptance. Rather, I am allowing myself the right to exist, side-by-side with people who aren't challenged like me; and I am giving myself a gift of peace that I can rest in day-to-day, knowing that I have a disease, but the disease is not who I am. It gives me the confidence that I need to say, "no", when I am unable to do something that someone else wants to pressure me into doing, without guilt or embarrassment.

I think that's what Respecting Your Wiring is really all about. It's respecting yourself the way you are AT THIS VERY MOMENT, in spite of how you used to be and how you may be in future. It's being present in your own skin and with your thoughts. So, maybe I'm taking one more step on the path of peace when I try to respect my own wiring. What do you think? What was your experience when you practiced this in your life? How did that affect how you saw yourself immediately afterward?

Quick Update

2005-11-28T11:09:00.000-08:00

First, I want to thank everyone for their emails. I had no idea that there were so many of you who read my blog. It was very sweet. I'm sorry that I haven't been writing much lately, but that will hopefully pass. I'm going through a combination of things right now, so I'll jsut give you a quick update today and hopefully I can break through this horrible writer's block by writing at least something, today. lol

I am doing better in alot of ways and in other ways things are the same. The Duragesic patch is working miracles for me. Am I completely healed? Not by a long shot, but I do get relief about 40% of the time. My daily pain level has dropped from 7-9 to 5-7. IT makes those really bad days easier to bear, knowing that they won't last forever, and there will be some kind of an end in sight.

The cool thing is that I've been able to get out of the house occasionally which has done wonders for my psyche. It's so bizarre to go out to lunch with my mom and a couple of her friends and find it hyper-stimulating! lol And, to have such an appreciation for being able to do that that it almost brings tears to my eyes to think of it. I mean, that sounds so pathetic, but it's sort of like being released from solitary imprisonment.

The Adderall, which is the medication that my doctor put me on to keep me awake and counter the drowsy side-effects of the duragesic patch, is working great. It's also an ADD medication and, since I have ADD, that's the perfect med for me to be on. I am going to talk to him about upping the dosage today, though. I'm having a very hard time hanging onto a complete thought, which is also giving me problems with my writing, and we just can't have that, can we? I think if we tweak the dosage, we'll get to the point where I can form a complete thought and carry it through from beginning to end. lol I know that sounds silly probably, but it's a typical ADD symptom. I just can't keep my attention on any one thing for very long and get bored extremely quickly with EVERYTHING. lol It's so frustrating. But, I'm beginning to feel like my "old self" again. The person I was before that quack put me on Lamictal, the bi-polar drug that I was on for over a year. I'm so much happier, now. That medication was so depressing. Ugh!

ok, well, that's it for now. I'll try to write again, soon, but if I don't write for a couple more weeks, don't worry, it's just because my brain isn't cooperating with me. Thanks for hanging in there with me, guys.

Over One Roadblock, Onto the Next

2005-11-02T21:26:00.000-08:00

Ok, well, I called the insurance company and it turns out that they're being punks just because they want to be. Seriously. I'm not kidding! I spoke to someone, we'll call her Luisa, and she said that they were investigating me for pre existing conditions. I said, well, I thought that if I had insurance up until I got this new plan, that the pre existing clause didn't count. She agreed. I said, so what's the problem, since I did have insurance. Luisa informed me that they just wanted to investigate it and it could take months. I asked her what they needed. All they want is a letter saying that I was insured by Medi-Cal before I got this new plan. I said, why would it take months to ask for a damn letter? I'll get the damn letter for you. So, then, she gives me a mailing address. I said, wouldn't it be faster if they could just fax the letter to you? Of course it would be faster! It's like she'd never heard of technology. And even then, it was like pulling teeth to get a fax number. She said that the case worker would have to call this one phone number and then they'd direct her to a person who would give her a fax number. I said, what is this? Are you guy's the CIA or something? Why does she have to call a bunch of numbers, wait on line, get transfered around to get a fax number? Just give me the damn number now and I'll get you the damn letter! Why is that so difficult? This isn't cloak and dagger. It's just a fucking letter! What a bunch of bullshit.

So, to conclude this annoyingly frustrating story, after they get the letter and update their information they'll pay on our claims and everyone will be happy. I also asked her why they didn't let us know that that's what they needed months ago when they started getting the claims? You know what Luisa said? Because they wanted to investigate it. What kind of nonsense is that? It's mindboggling. This is why our rates are high. It's not because people are sick. It's because they have all these incompetents spending time on stuff that could take a 20 minute phone call at the most to get the information. So, the lesson here is, don't go around to the back door, when the front door is wide open.

My husband's heart calmed down after I told him how easy (knock on wood) that this will be, so I think he won't need a quadruple bipass too soon. We may be able to put the heart attack off for a little while longer. Ugh!

It's a Long, Long Road

2005-11-01T10:21:00.000-08:00

I think it's back to the drawing board--again. My head's been absolutely killing me this past week and a half. I have a feeling that it's because of the new stimulant, Provigil, that's supposed to keep me awake. I stopped taking it yesterday and my head felt better. So, I won't take it for another day or two and if my head's better, then I'll have to call my doctor's office and let them know. *sigh*

Oh, but it gets better. We just found out, after having our insurance for seven months, that they're not covering any of my medical costs pertaining to migraines, because it's a pre-existing condition. So, I've probably already got about 7 or 8 thousand dollars of medical debt, now. If I'd known seven months ago, I never would've gone to this expensive new doctor, or gotten an MRI or anything. Now, we're screwed financially, again. We just finished our bankruptcy where we had $35,000 in debt, of which $33,000 was medical debt. So, we now have a very healthy jump on our next bankruptcy. My husband is so beside himself about it that he just started sobbing the other night. We just can't seem to get a break. And, now, I need another appointment with that doctor. Things are very stressful for us right now. It will be such a miracle if we stay married and if someone doesn't off themselves in our relationship. So, I'm praying for a miracle.

Been Awhile

2005-10-25T12:50:00.000-07:00

I realized that it's been quite awhile since the last time I posted, so I'll give kind of a whirlwind update and then I'll start blogging more consistently again.

The main reason that I haven't been blogging is that I've been sleeping. I've felt like Sleeping Beauty or like I've been in a coma for a month. It was so bizarre. It's a side effect of the duragesic. I mean, I was sleeping about 16 hours a day and it was like using superhuman strength to stay awake for longer than an hour or two at a time. I'd wake up to use the restroom or throw-up and then back to sleep I'd go.

So, I had an appointment with my pain management doctor, we'll call him Dr. R from now on, and he gave me another prescription for Provigil. This drug has a very interesting history. It was developed by the military for their special ops guys and the guys who would guard the base at night. It keeps you from sleeping and it works really well most of the time. I have to take it pretty early in the day, so that it doesn't keep me up all night. That's how well it works. It's also going to be used as a medication for ADD pretty soon. I've been given back my ADD diagnosis, since we found out that the bi-polar medication that I was given last year, by a psychiatrist who apparently thinks he can diagnose someone in 10 minutes, was depressing me to no end. I'm soooo much happier now that I'm coming off that med. It's like a big dark cloud is being lifted off me and I feel more normal again. I'm almost done titrating off of it and I'm sure it'll make a difference in my energy level too, I hope.

So, here's my new list of meds: Duragesic for the chronic pain; Dilaudid, Toradol injection, and Imitrex for rescue meds; phenergan and reglan for the nausea and vomiting (phenergan if I don't mind sleeping and reglan if I need to stay awake); zelnorm for the irritable bowel syndrome; aciphex for gastroesophogeal reflux disease; Provigil to stay awake and for ADD. I think that's it. I need a bigger medicine cabinet.

So, thanks for your patience. Hopefully, I didn't lose you, because I really have wanted to write, just couldn't because I've been too tired. I'll write a new one tomorrow. If you ever have questions about my meds, feel free to email me or post them here and I'll get back to you on that.

When Will I Learn?

2005-10-10T07:57:00.000-07:00

Ok, I'm starting to see a pattern emerging in my dream life. Last night I dreamed about this scene in Boston Legal (American TV Show) from a couple of weeks ago. The scene showed Betty White's character wacking another character over the head several times with a large iron griddle! lol It was pretty funny scene, though it sounds awful when I write it down. Well, you've probably already guess what I'm going to say next, because you're so smart. I woke up this morning with a wopping migraine, level 6. I just took some drugs (dilaudid) which should kick in pretty soon, now.

So, let's see: I dreamed about coconuts being cracked on the cement--woke up with a migraine; Elephants stampeding over my head and crushing my skull--woke up with migraine; and now someone cracking someone else over the head with an iron fry pan--woke up with migraine. Do you see a pattern here, because I am actually feeling the pattern.

Under Pressure

2005-10-07T09:12:00.000-07:00

This is the first morning all week that I've woken up with a migraine. Do you know what a miracle that is? Before the patch, I was waking up with a migraine every single morning! So, if I have to have one this morning, I guess I'll put up with it. Thank god for my new rescue med, Dilaudid. I'm so nauseous, too. I've been throwing up alot the past few weeks, because of the patch, that I think I've actually lost weight between the barfing and the not eating! Yay! LOL It's ok. I hear that the nausea, etc. will pass eventually and I'm willing to wait, since it seems to be working at least part-time.

The jury is still kind of out, but I'm beginning to think that I might actually start feeling better as time goes by and the patch continues to do it's thang. I can't wait.

Ok, Here's Something Cool...

2005-10-05T22:52:00.000-07:00

A producer for a movie that'll be released late next spring contacted me and asked for permission to use my poem, "Tears on My Pillow" in their movie. I feel tickled pink. This is so fun. They're going to put my name in the credits next to the title of my poem, so that I'll be credited. Isn't that fun?

Here's the website: http://www.thatbeautifulsomewhere.ca/ The movie is called, "That Beautiful Somewhere" and is being filmed in Canada. Read the premise, it's very interesting, but here's the gist of it:

An archeologist suffering from migraines is searching for a cure and comes across a bog with healing waters that could be the cure for all kinds of diseases. That's just a brief overview, the website gives a better description, of course.

Gordon Tootsis is in it. (I hope I spelled his name correctly.) He's one of my favorite Native American actors, because he's really good and he's so regal looking. lol I remember him from "The Edge". Love that movie, too.

Ok, so here's my poem, but it's on my blog under the title, too:

TEARS ON MY PILLOW
by Jessica Polson

White lights bleeding
from my eyes, down through my heart
crying in the night
awake with pain and penitence
I say my prayers
There are no ears, no one hears
My screams...inside of me
Inside of my head
On top of my bed
And the blood drips from my eyes
Tears on my pillow

Update

2005-09-29T19:53:00.000-07:00

I'm still trying to figure out if the duragesic is going to work. Meanwhile, I'm throwing up all the time, sleeping a whole lot and generally not feeling too good, because of the side effects. I'm still in alot of pain,too. But, there is one good thing that's happened out of all of this. I don't wake up with the migraines anymore. That's a joy. A real joy.

So, I talked to the doc's assistant yesterday and they're going to really increase the dosage of the duragesic. And, here's something really cool, they're refilling my prescription for dilaudid. That medicine completely dispels the pain for several hours. It's a miracle drug. I mean, it makes me pretty ditzy, but so what? I'd rather be a little forgetful than to be in pain. Now, if it made me totally stupid like the neurontin did, I would hate that and wouldn't take it.

This doctor is so cool. He doesn't make me feel like a loser for needing these meds, which are narcotics, by the way. He doesn't make me beg for help. He's just really, really cool with me.

Anyway, if I'm not leaving alot of blogs right now, that's why. I just have to get used to the side effects. I'm told that the sleepiness goes away after awhile, so then I'll be more alert and able to post.

I'm able to do it right now, because I'm out of my duragesic for a couple of days until I get the new prescription in the mail. I'm getting over the flu right now, so I'm not feeling so hot today and then, of course, a migraine started up, but I took dilauded right away. I just decided that I couldn't deal with both problems today. Anyway, so that's how I'm doing.

Bed-Head

2005-09-23T16:52:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry that I haven't been posting much over the past couple of weeks. I beg your indulgence. This new medicine, the Duragesic patch in particular, has made me so sleepy that I've been sleeping a whole lot during the day and night. And, when I am awake, I feel groggy and all I want to do is go back to sleep. This is a side effect and I've heard that it will go away in a couple of weeks. If it doesn't, then I'll have to try out a different medication. For now, I'm thankful for all of the rest, though. I feel like I'm making up for all the sleepless, pain-filled nights that I've had, especially over the past nine months, since my accident. This will be my last post possibly for another week. I'm giving myself two weeks to get over the s/e. If I'm not over them by then, then it'll be back to the drawing board. Ok, so, we'll meet back here in about a week, ok?

Bad Omens

2005-09-16T12:36:00.000-07:00

My favorite animal is the elephant. This animal is one of the few animals who display the quality of compassion. They have long memories and honor their ancestors by returning time and again to the place of their death and inspecting their old bones. They fondle the bones, almost as if they were comforted that they were with them, and with obvious love. The mothers are very good and take wonderful care of their own children. If a mother in the herd dies, then another mother from that herd will immediately adopt her baby and will take care of it as if it was her own. They're quite extraordinary animals.

Because I love the elephant so much, my dream last night shocked me the more. I dreamed that a herd of elephants was stampeding over my head. I woke up with a start and tried to go back to sleep, but had the same nightmare over and over. I was awakened by a high pain level at 2:30am. I should have known. I took 2 dilauded and tried to go back to sleep.

It didn't help that after I got up for the medicine, my new kitten (about 3 months old, now), woke up and saw me. After that, she wanted me to get up and play with her, so she kept scratching at the door. I'm trying to get her used to staying in the living room with the other kitties while I sleep in the bedroom. She was getting to active in bed, so I know it's time for her to be out on her own. This is her first week. It's just like taking a baby off the bottle, folks. lol

So, I got up and squirted her, in a daze, with the watter bottle. She stopped scratching. But, the damage was already done. My other kitty, Grace, decided that she wanted me to get up and play with them, too. So, now she's scratching at the door. I got up to squirt her. You know what's funny about this? She ran away from the door and was laying down on the kitchen floor, trying to act innocent, by the time I got to the door, leaving the baby kitten, Keiko, standing at the door. Isn't that just like an older "sister"? When I was a kid, my brothers and I used to talk our youngest brother into going to ask my mom for something, because we knew she'd probably let us do whatever it was, if he asked. At least, that was our theory. lol

So, I went back to bed in a stupor and fell asleep. Of course, Grace came back and scratched at the door. This really pissed Stu off, so he ran around the living room, chasing her with the spray bottle, thinking a good dousing would calm her down. But, Grace is very stubborn and of course, that didn't disuade her. A couple hours later she did it again and this time, my husband was really angry. I could hear him chasing her and cussing, "Damn cats!". The last straw, for me, was when he chased her right into our bedroom where she decided to hide under my side of the bed. So, he's squatting down next to me, swearing, squirting and trying to catch her to put her out of the room.

I said, "Alright! I'm taking over from here. Go back to bed, Stu!". I was really irritated at this point. I'm in pain, trying to sleep with a migraine, doped up until I could barely see, my kitty is being very naughty (and unlike the baby, she knows better), and there's a madman chasing the cats around the house and under my bed. So, Stu went back to bed and I went out and calmly opened a can of soft food for the cats which got them busy with a quiet activity, eating. And, I went back to sleep on the couch. Now, let me ask you something. Why can I think of doing that, in a drugged up stupor, but a 47 year old, sane (?) man, not think of it? Is it a woman thing? Oy vey! Sometimes, I think it's probably good that he didn't have a baby.

Half an hour later, my daughter woke up and my husband came out of the room for breakfast, because he couldn't go back to sleep, and it was time for "Grand Central" to open. I am barely holding my sanity by this point and my eyes need toothpicks to stay open. Stu is pouting and fussing. Olivia is moving as slow as molasses in January and needs to put a hustle on, so she can leave for school on time. And, here I am, trying to keep her going, because Stu's already mad and I knew that he'd just get pissy with her for moving slow. I don't like Olivia to start her day off with getting balled out at home. It makes for a bad day. But, motivating her in the morning is an accomplishment worthy of a medal and I commend my husband for doing it every morning, without me.

Obviously, this was not a very good start to my day and here I am, still with a pain level of 7, contemplating whether or not to take more dilauded or fioricet or if I should just divorce my family and get custody of the cats, (kidding), nauseaus as all get out, wanting it to all just go away.

Do you think that having a dream about Elephants squashing your head could be a bad omen? It certainly isn't very auspicious, is it? Oh, hep meh, hep meh Jesus! as my mama used to say.

Mixed Results, So Far

2005-09-14T21:23:00.000-07:00

Well, I put the patch on my lower back on Monday, late afternoon. I've now woken up two mornings in a row without a migraine. I've been able to sleep pretty solidly, once I go to bed, too. I think the patch is starting to work.

Now, Monday, I did have to use the dilauded, but that was moot, because it just didn't do anything for me at 4mg in the pill form. It was completely different than getting the injections. Bummer, right?

Tuesday, I was fine until about 1:30 pm. Then it came on pretty strong, so I decided to cheat with the dilauded and take two pills at once, instead of taking one every three hours. Guess what? It worked. I was completely pain free, only somewhat groggy, and I stayed pain free for the rest of the day! It was so awesome! I could feel the depression lift as the pain lifted. It was like a heavy coat was being taken off of me.

The only downside to the duragesic, so far, is the horrendous nausea. I've been dry-heaving and throwing up. You know what, though? I'm fine with that. I'd take no head pain and overwhelming nausea any day of the week. I have phenergan which I just took. I don't like to take it during the day, because it makes me fall asleep and I don't like to sleep during the day, or when Olivia's at home with me, because I'm always worried that if there were an emergency, I wouldn't be aware of it. I'd rather keep rushing to the toi every 20 minutes instead. But, after she's in bed, I have no problem with taking the med and it works really well.

The other s/e the duragesic has is to make you extremely sleepy, but I only experienced that yesterday. Today, I wasn't tired at all. I feel really good about this.

Now, if I could just get my neck to loosen up. It's really stiff and I think it's making things worse. But, really, I'm very happy about this stuff so far. I hope it continues to be effective and that I'm not just having a couple of good days. I get a good day or two about every 6 or 7 months.

Another Ghastly Nightmare

2005-09-10T10:33:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning because of a bad dream. I believe that most dreams accomplish a few things: 1) it's like our brains taking out the garbage and B) it's to tell us about ourselves, our innermost desires and thoughts, and our physical condition and 3) rarely, to warn us of the future. I've studied dream interpretation and it always seemed to come naturally to me before that.

Early this morning, I dreamt that I was babysitting a baby and a friend came over to visit. He lit a cigarette in the bathroom, on the sly, and, we didn't know there was a gas leak in the house so it exploded with all of us in it. I saw myself burned to death and just before it reached the baby, I threw it out the door in order to possibly save it. No doubt that that didn't turn out so good either.

Here's the interpretation of my nightmare:

Baby's are symbolic of a new change in your life, or a new idea, or something you're about to grow. I used to have lots of baby dreams when I was starting up a new business. In my "free" time, I used to help people start-up their businesses and I ran two of my own.

The explosion, obviously, was my migraine. I woke up with a level 6 migraine, a stiff neck and an occular migraine, pain level 8. It's going to be one of those days, again.

My friend, (who isn't really my friend anymore, because he cheated on his wife, who was my best friend at the time), doing what he did, was a symbol that I don't feel like I have control over my own life or body right now.

Burning to a crisp was very painful and I think another image of my migraine.

I think the baby symbolized my new medication and how I wanted to take care that the new plan wouldn't be ruined by the other aspects of my life and health. I was very worried about the baby in my dream and it symbolizes my anxiety about whether this new medication is actually going to work when I start it.

So, there you have it in a nutshell, I'm very nervous right now and I hope the meds will work. My mother-in-law is going to pick them up for me today and I'll start the new treatment plan this afternoon or tomorrow morning depending on the directions. I can't wait to start it, but at the same time, I can't help the accompanying anxiety.

Now, I'm going to go meditate on openness and being receptive of the good that is going to come my way, if not by this treatment, then by another. I'm going to meditate on my worthiness to be free from pain and suffering.

THE Appointment

2005-09-09T23:05:00.000-07:00

Dr. R, my new pain management doctor, was a very compassionate soul, I thought. I went into his office without expectation, reminding myself to stay present, not to prejudge, to be open, to listen to understand. After exchanging our greetings we sat down and he asked a few questions to make sure that all the information I'd sent to them was accurate. Then, he asked about the treatments I'd been given in the past and noted that I'd tried everything that was in my own power (ie accupuncture, massage, chiropractic, other natural remedies, everything short of seeing a shaman) to get rid of the pain.

Then he told me that he felt my head had gotten worse in the past year and that's why the trigger shots no longer worked as well. That it had nothing to do with the medications used in the injections. This can be good or bad, depending on how you look at it. It's good that it wasn't the medications that weren't working, ie I wasn't building some weird tolerance to it. Bad that my head is worse than it was. It's hard to imagine, but I think he's right. When you're on a downward spiral, you're on your back, looking up and you see the past while you are falling into your future. Your perception can be somewhat out of whack.

I told him that the fioricet wasn't helping me a bit after he'd mentioned that he didn't want to change it if it's working for me. I said that it only stabilized the pain, most of the time, rather than take it away or subdue it. That's when he started talking about other options. I'm not going to be an easy patient, because of all my allergies to medicines, but, apparently, there are options open to us. So, he prescribed Dilauded tablets, Duragesic patches, and Toradol injections to use when absolutely necessary. I'm really happy that he prescribed the Toradol, because it means that I'll be able to treat my pain at home and won't have to make a trip to the doctor's office for the shots.

What I liked most about him is that he's most concerned with increasing my quality of life. Of course, that's my main goal, too, so we're on the same page. I didn't feel like I was having to beg for help and he didn't make me feel like a low-life or a drug-addict just looking for a dealer. It was well worth the trip, I think. Now, I just have to wait and see if the meds will work. I really hope they do, but if they don't Dr. R. wants me to call and let him know and we'll try something else. I have another appointment with him in 2 months.

I left his office feeling like my dignity was intact, I was seen as a human who is suffering, and like something had actually been accomplished at the appointment. It was overall a good experience. I learned a good lesson about being open.

The Countdown Continues

2005-09-06T15:01:00.000-07:00

Only 2 more days until my appointment with the pain management specialist, Dr. R. I really hope he knows what he's doing, because I'm in so much freaking pain right now that you wouldn't believe it. I'm already starting to put some faith in him, so I just hope he's not a big disappointment. I need out of the hell I'm in constantly.

Pain Level is at a 6 today, it's let up some.

My Continuing Edjicashun

2005-09-05T15:49:00.000-07:00

Hah! I learned how to make opium from poppies today. Never know when that kind of information might come in handy. Things that make you go "hmmm".

Repentent

2005-09-04T13:27:00.000-07:00

Ok, I have repented of my obstinate point of view, thanks to a friend's enlightening me. I've decided that when I go to see this new doc, I will practice the art of listening first and talking second, which is something I should do all the time. After giving him my symptoms and telling him about what I'm going through, I'll wait for his response and listen to his point of view and recommendations, before I assert myself about any bizarre treatments he may suggest. I don't want to be a guinea pig, but I also don't want to turn him off before he gets the chance to help me. After all, it's not his fault that I've had to see a bunch of idiots before him. And, who knows, maybe, just maybe, he'll have something original to say. So, thank you, my friend, for helping me to control my temper and to see that I may be pre-judging him on what has happened in the past. I have to stay present in reality. That is the most important thing.

Signs

2005-09-02T11:09:00.000-07:00

It's definately not a good sign when you wake up with a level 7 migraine. It doesn't bode well for the day. I've already taken all my meds that I can, so hopefully it won't get worse. The sucky thing is that it most likely won't get better, either.

Only 6 more days until my appointment. I'm getting a little nervous again. My mantra is becoming, "I hope he's not a prick". It's too negative, but it's also realistic, since, in my experience 9 out of 10 doctors suck.

I guess I'm going to be on the couch, on ice and on drugs for the rest of the day.

Protecting

2005-08-31T22:58:00.000-07:00

Recently, I saw a post on a migraine forum I visit. It read something like this, "Do you find your self pretending things are fine or watering down your pain level to protect the people around you." My first reaction was, "Hell, no!" I mean, why would I do that? It perpetuates the problem of not being taken seriously about your disease. I don't think I understood what she was saying, the way she meant it.

Today, I had a blinding pain in my head. One of those migraines, actually it was probably a cluster headache, that knocks you to your knees. I've been taking fioricet since 6:30 this morning and the pain level just won't go below 7. I was sweating, (and I never sweat, because I have a disease that keeps me cold constantly), because the pain was so strong before I took the meds. I am so nauseaus that I didn't eat today. Oh, wait, I take that back, I had about a 1/4 cup of Kraft mac-n-cheese. It was leftover from a couple of days ago, so I only had to nuke it. It's my current comfort food. Usually, my comfort food is chicken wan-tan soup, but I switched to m-n-c, recently. I'm so nauseaus it's not even funny. Ok, so I have to wrap this up, because my head's whining.

Anyway, I didn't tell my husband or daughter how bad it was. (Btw, I've named my migraine, Ghengis Khan, so if I call it that, you'll know why). When the pain gets really bad, I just went in the bathroom and paced. It's a small bathroom, but it's good for about 4 paces, before I have to turn around. And I washed my face with cold water. Then I came back out with an, "I'm ok, not great, but ok" attitude.

So, humbled, I have to admit that, yes, I do try to protect my loved ones.

I only have one more thing to say and that is that, I really need a narcotic that I can keep around the house that I can use when things get this bad. All I can think about today is how much I want to be able to give myself the narc cocktail and just sink into peaceful, painless, bliss. I'm starting to get desperate, which is what I was worried about, because I still have a week to go until I see that pain management doctor. I have a strong feeling that I'm not going to make it without a narc cocktail before then.

Gotta go take some drugs, now.

I Want a Divorce

2005-08-29T08:10:00.000-07:00

I've really been thinking about it and I've decided that I want a divorce...from my migraine. It's controlling and won't let me do anything that I want to do. It's humourless and they don't make me laugh. It's so unsexy. It abuses me and causes me to be in pain all the time, constantly. I wish there was a shelter for women who're abused by their brains. I'd be the first one in the door. The migraine has cut me off from all my friends and the good times. Now, even my holidays are tainted with pain. It's changed my appearance. I was looking in the mirror this morning and couldn't believe how grey my hair is. My brow was furrowed, because I've been fighting with this migraine since 1 am and am in barely controlled pain right now. It's ruined me financially, because it loves to spend money on doctors, medications, tests, treatments, gas expense, etc.

Why am I still in this relationship, you might ask? Well, simply because I don't have a choice. I wish that I could kick this disease to the curb like I did my first husband. I wish there was a way that I could have an affair with Relief, at least, but I can't cheat on it, either. It's got me on a cruelly short leash. My bedfellows are pain and drugs. They say that politics makes for strange bedfellows; but I think that chronic pain has even stranger ones. This threesome has got to stop. I really want a divorce.

Dopey Nightmare

2005-08-27T15:40:00.000-07:00

Ok, I did go in for narcotic shots the other day. They worked really well and I was out of pain within two minutes like usual--thank goodness. Now comes the nightmare.

So, I go home and sleep for a few hours, right? Well, I guess the nightmare began when my daughter came home with homework. She needed help on it. I could hardly see straight and putting a couple of sentences, that made sense, together was virtually impossible! So, here I am, looking at her homework and the letters are jumping around all over the page. I finally had to have her read it to me. And then, she had to read each sentence about 3 times to me until I understood it well enough to explain it to her. Then, of course, she needed to do some research for her essay. So, I had to try to show her how to do that on the pc. Keep in mind that I can't see straight. By this point, I was thoroughly frustrated, and she was too, because she didn't know how to do it. It was all I could do to keep that frustration in check and not let it boil over into temper. It took two hours, but we finally did finish her homework! Then, of course, I had to supervise her dinner, otherwise, if it was up to her, she'd just eat a corndog and ice-cream and call that a meal. (Go ahead, you can laugh at that part. Kids!) Finally, I fall asleep on the couch until my hubby comes home. Of course, my daughter hadn't gone to bed on time and that was my fault for not keeping up with her. (My hubby didn't blame me for that. He just asked about it.) So, that was nightmare numero uno, but it gets worse.

Yesterday, when all I wanted to do was sleep, I was woken up with a phone call from my panicky husband telling me that our daughter had been dropped from her insurance and her medicine which she needs is really expensive, blah, blah, blah. To make a long story short, I was the designated hitter to deal with it. So, I made the necessary phone calls and did the obligatory waiting on hold, then being passed around to three different departments only to find out that they'd lost all the paperwork we'd sent in. I was really pissed off, by this point. But, still, you can't get pissed off at the only person who could help you out, right? So, I just told her that she needed to look around for it again, since we'd turned it in by hand. So, I have to stay awake until she calls back, right? An hour later she called back to say that they'd found it on the receptionist's desk. It's really inexcusable, since we dropped that off at the beginning of July!

Meanwhile, I have to call our bankruptcy attorneys to find out how much else we owe and of course have to go through the same thing with calling three different phone numbers to get hold of the right department, then being put on hold only to be told that they'd have to get back to me. So, I have to stay awake for 2 hours to receive a call back on that. By this point, I'm thoroughly stressed out and pissed off, because of not only the situations, but also the frustration of how hard it was to concentrate. I felt like I was asking everyone to repeat stuff at least twice. By then, I was irate and couldn't get back to sleep for another hour. This left me with one hour before my daughter would come home from school and need help with her homework again. I was so exhausted! And I still am.

So, how am I doing today? Well, I have a stiff neck, my butt hurts from the shots, my tailbone is really sore for some weird reason, and my migraine is already coming back. Usually, I get to have at least three pain free days after I get a narcotics cocktail. Not this time. The pain started returning yesterday, off and on. *sigh* Just can't catch a break sometimes, you know?

Bad Luck

2005-08-25T09:17:00.000-07:00

Well, it's just my luck that there's a forest fire today. My head's killing me, so this will be short. I just want to whine. My sinuses are stuffed up and i have a sinus headache to boot. I'm going to give this a couple of days to hopefully settle down, but if it doesn't I'm going to call my doc and see if she can do another trigger shot, in case that's the problem and it didn't take. Or, I'm going to go in for a narc shot, depending on how bad this thing gets. Who knows, I could end up in ER tomorrow if this continues to get worse. Ugh! Hate these kinds of days.

Oh, one more thing that I noticed today. My fioricet has lasted 2 months! I really don't take it that much. Probably why my pain level is so high so much of the time. I'm stubborn and don't take it until it gets really bad. Some people might think that I should take it at the first sign of a migraine, and they'd be right. However if I did that, I'd be taking it all the time, constantly throughout the day. Fioricet has a major rebound effect, because of the caffeine in it, so I don't want to, nor is it prescribed to, take it everyday. I'm supposed to take it only three times a week. This just isn't workin'. I don't deserve to be in pain constantly. I really need a break. I hope this new pain management doctor will be able to prescribe something stronger to decrease the pain level. I really hope that he won't be another in a long line of pricks.

Well, Did it Work?

2005-08-24T13:53:00.000-07:00

Yup. My plan worked and I didn't feel too much pain until late last night, from the shots. Today my head is very achy, but that's par for the course. It'll be like that for another day or so and then I'll have a couple days with no pain at all, until the pain starts to gradually build again.

Can you believe that I'd let myself be put through this just to have 2 pain free days? I've gotta laugh, because otherwise I'd cry. Doesn't that say anything to anyone about the level of pain I'm in on a daily basis? Who would allow someone to stick a 5" needle, the thickness of an embroidery needle, squeezing a thick, burning liquid into their head for the hell of it? Only someone from the psych wing, maybe...oh, and me! lol It's pretty pathetic to have to go through those kinds of measure to have a couple of pain free days, isn't it? There just has to be a better method or more options with longer lasting results for me. Or, is this it and I just have to accept my fate? Well, if that ends up being the case, then I will accept it, but until I find out it's so, I'm going to keep looking for a regimen, treatment or some kind of therapy that will work for me.

My Devious Plan

2005-08-21T23:15:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the day before my next trigger shots. Last time, I ended up having to get a narcotics treatment after the trigger shots, because I went in with a migraine already and getting the shots on top of that, just sent me over the edge.

So, this time I have a plan. I have two dilauded suppositories left. I am going to take those tomorrow and take some phenergan. In effect, I'm going to knock myself out for the day on purpose. In this way, I hope to go into my TS appointment with only a minimal migraine, if any. And, I will take my imitrex with me to the appointment in case I need it afterward.

At my last TS appointment, I nearly passed out when the needle went in and it wasn't my doc's fault. I told them that I didn't have a migraine, when in fact it was at a 7, because I knew that I needed the shots and she won't give me the shots when I have a migraine, for obvious reasons. Because, I have to rely on others for my transportation, if I couldn't get my shots on that specific day, I would've had to wait another week and I was desperate for some relief, even if it does only last a week.

So, on Tuesday morning, the morning of my appointment, I will take fioricet and 800 mgs of Ibuprofen at home. Then, if I need it, after I get my shots, I will use my last remaining injection of my precious Imitrex. I think that I can get through this with that combination of stonishness (I just made up a new word, lol).

My head has been absolutely killing me for 3 days, fluctuating between pain levels of 7-9. I thought about going to ER yesterday, but instead opted to take my fioricet and phenergan with a wine cooler. This is not healthy to resort to these means to get relief from pain. It means, I strongly believe, that I am seriously undermedicated and undertreated. I hope this will change when I see that pain management doctor. This will be my last trigger shot until then. I'm worried, because they only hold down the pain and nausea for two weeks. I'm going to be in real trouble by the time my appointment rolls around. Big trouble.

However, I have recently accepted my situation. I realize that I can't worry any more about what could happen. After all, what could be worse than what I'm going through now? And I can't fear anything. I don't fear anything. I am living anyone's worst nightmare. What is left to fear after that? And, if this doctor turns out to be a prick, well that's nothing new, either. It's funny, but inside, I have complete peace because of those things that I just mentioned. You have to laugh that it took this circumstance to rid myself of fear and worry. lol

The Countdown

2005-08-20T14:55:00.000-07:00

I have only 3 more days until my next trigger shot. I'm barely holding on, here, so it can't come soon enough. These will be my last trigger shots before I go to the pain management doctor. I hope that I can last until that appointment without a visit to the ER or the doc's office for shots.

There are only 19 days left until I see this new pain management doctor. The days are going by so slowly, it seems. As if they are purposely dragging on so that I have to wait and wait and wait to see this guy who may or may not be able or willing to help me. It's like being in constant suspense, waiting for that appointment to come up.

Not a Good Head Day

2005-08-19T10:01:00.000-07:00

I am in alot of pain today. My migraine is at a 7 right now and on top of that, I have the joy of having an occular migraine in my right eye that has a pain level of 9 and nausea to boot. I can always tell when my migraine is getting bad, because I start thinking about my medications and can't get them out of my head. It is almost like I crave them when the pain level reaches a 6.

Then, I have to make a decision. Do I take the fioricet which is cheap and I can afford to refill, or do I take a shot of my precious Imitrex of which the supply is dwindling fast and which I can not afford to refill at $200 bucks per injection. Obviously, the choice, most of the time is the Fioricet. It is a fairly ineffective medication that only halts the migraine at the pain level it is at when I take it. That means that my pain level, if the medication works, will remain at a 7 for the rest of the day.

Last night the pain level was at an 8 and my limbs and neck started constricting. It was really weird. I took two fioricet and a phenergan and swallowed them down with a wine cooler. I basically had to knock myself out to get out of the pain. This is no way to live.

I am literally counting down the days (20) until I see this new pain management doctor. Although I am cynical that he could help me at all, I still am anticipating going to see him. Who knows, but I might get lucky with this guy. I'm not going to let myself get too hopeful, because I don't want to be disappointed when he says the same ol', same ol'. You know the drill: "Are you a type A personality"; "You're addicted to drugs, etc."; "Just get used to it"; "You don't need an MRI"; "It's all in your head"; "Have you tried (insert drug name); "It's not a real illness, it's just psychosomatic. Lots of women have psychosomatic diseases. (Translation: You're hormonal and/or hysterical.)". Of course, if any one of those sentences is stated, I'll be outta there faster than I can say, "Up yours!".

I have 4 days until my next trigger shot appointment. That helps a little for about 5 days and keeps the pain level at a steady 5 for almost two weeks. I can't wait.

Empathy

2005-08-17T13:23:00.000-07:00

I'm asking myself, "How is Empathy different from Compassion? What are the differences? Are there differences between the two?" I have decided to meditate on this subject and find out. I want to know what it really means to Empathize with another being. Is there a difference, also, between Empathy and Sympathy? I say yes, there is.

The difference between being empathetic and being sympathetic is quite clear to me. Sympathy is when you have pity on another being. You feel badly for them when things go wrong. It is sort of a passive emotion. There isn't necessarily any action involved in it. It is as if you were looking through a window at what is happening inside. It's not a personal involvement in the situation being observed. The difference between Empathy and Sympathy is vast.

Empathy is the action of involving yourself in the suffering of another. It is almost like it's a shield or a defense of the validity and reality of a person's pain. Whereas sympathy is seperately removed from the situation; Empathy actually gets right into the situation and provides love, nourishment and comfort. Picture a mother with her baby. She knows what it needs-attention, love, nurturing, comforting and gives that selflessly, no matter how she herself feels, to her child. Doesn't that also sound alot like compassion? Empathy is showing compassion by example.

Empathy is the feeling that one gets when one has greatly suffered, himself, and can relate to what another suffering being is going through. They may not have gone through the exact same thing, but they can understand the kind of hell and torment that you feel when you have suffered loss, illness, or some other devastation in your life. It is the feeling that you get when you think, "Hey, I've walked in those moccasins. I know the feeling of those rocks poking into my feet, the thirst along the way, the exhaustion and the knowledge that there may be no end in sight." You can, literally, feel the struggle and the pain, because you have either been there or are in the midst of your own battle right now.

In order for us to develop true compassion, we must, first, have developed Empathy. Empathy is a facet of knowledge. It requires listening and attention. It is the key to compassion. Again it is a practice that we develop in order to mature. We become aware of the sad experiences of others. We can experience, vicariously, their pain and suffering. Empathy, the word, comes from the Greek, empatheia, which means, quite literally, passion.

When you look back at history, you can see that all social change and revolution is ignited by passion, by the empathy of the oppressed. Slaves travelled to the north, by dangerous means, encountering numerous trials and harsh circumstances, in order to spread the message that serious change was necessary. To make men understand that it is wrong to enslave any person, regardless of race or creed. Fredrick Douglass, Harriet Tubman are only a couple of the instigators of change among the handful. They became instruments of life changing reform and they had been, themselves oppressed. In fact, they worked for this change in the midst of their oppression, because they knew the suffering that others just like them were going through.

If you look at Martin Luther King and Rosa Parks among many others, you can see that out of their own oppression, grew the civil rights movement that to this day continues to change lives.

Ghandi is another man who effected change. He knew what it was like to be oppressed from his experiences as a third class citizen in South Africa. Because of him, a movement for the abolishment of apartheid began in South Africa and was finished many decades later. But the reform had begun, because he was empathetic to the suffering and the oppression. Then, he went on to become one of the greatest revolutionaries of our time, by adopting the Non-violence, Non-cooperation principle to effect change from within his own country.

Jesus Christ was another famous revolutionary, preaching freedom from spiritual slavery and oppression. His cause was to effect change, not necessarily from a country, though he did have an effect on that, but, rather, to effect change within the heart. The most important of his message is that we can approach God ourselves, without having to go through a middle-man (ie, a priest, to recieve forgiveness, comfort, nurturing, love. This was a revolutionary message at his time and still is though, for the most part, we take that message for granted as our right, today. Yet, he was oppressed and even gave his life, like so many other activists, for his cause. That is why his death is called, The Passion of Christ. It was passion and empathy that drove him. He felt the suffering and the pain. He knew what it was like to be in pain, to be impoverished, to be enslaved and to be killed.

All of these leaders were willing to give up their own lives, to suffer imprisonment, ridicule and torture in order to further a cause that would release individuals from suffering. That very passion is the definition of Empathy. Why? Because they knew there was a desperate need for the oppressed to have an advocate who understood exactly what they were experiencing.

The only difference I find between Compassion and Empathy is that you have to have empathy in order to practice Compassion. Both require active participation.

Finally, a Good Day!

2005-08-16T20:55:00.000-07:00

I actually had a good day today. For the first time since December, I experienced a pain free day and I am basking in the luxury. I'm so easy to please. lol

Online Support for Spouses

2005-08-15T19:05:00.000-07:00

I set up an online forum for the spouses and caregivers of migraneurs, including children who suffer. It will include clusterheads and those who suffer from chronic daily headache as well. I'll be adding links to resources and so forth in the future, but if anyone reads this blog, I just thought I'd let you know about it and perhaps you could pass it along to friends, etc.

Here you go:
http://forums.delphiforums.com/haspousesuppor1

What is Compassion?

2005-08-15T11:35:00.000-07:00

In reading my past blogs, (which I did today for some comfort and it worked), I've noticed that I write alot about compassion, yet, I've never actually described what Compassion truly is. I'm going to try to explain it today, mainly for my own education.

Compassion and love are the motivation to exert courage, have hope, persist in the face of adversity and develop inner strength. In the Buddhist and Christian traditions, compassion and love are seen as two aspects of same thing: compassion is the wish for another being to be freed from their state of suffering; love is wanting them to have happiness and fulfillment in their emotional and spiritual growth, as well as the sweetness of temporal success. Notice that neither has anything to do with "wish" fulfillment. Rather, they deal with the reality of the particular present of each being. Compassion is not the end all, beat all; it is, rather, the path and the means to ultimate personal fullfillment.

Compassion is not sentiment but is making justice and doing works of mercy. Compassion is not a moral commandment but a flow and overflow of the fullest human and divine energies. --Matthew Fox

When we fully develop compassion there is no room in our heart for hatred, pettiness, jealousy and pride. The caring and concern for your fellow man outweighs these weaknesses that we all have in our hearts. Whether or not we like to admit it, we have all experienced these habits at one time or another. There is a saying that "Love conquers all" and it is so true. The Bible says that "Love covers a multitude of sins". We have no choice but to give up those sins, especially the one of pride, when we are motivated solely by compassion.

Compassion is the ultimate and most meaningful embodiment of emotional maturity. It is through compassion that a person achieves the highest peak and deepest reach in his or her search for self-fulfillment. --Arthur Jersild

Compassion, as is love, is limitless in it's capacity. It's not concerned with timing, with the place, with the culture or the faults and limitations of the other person. This is also the definition of "Grace". Grace is unmerited favor. It is showing concern even if the object of our compassion has not met our expectations. Compassion is a life-long pursuit, an education that lasts until the day we depart this world. It's not an overnight conversion. It takes daily practice.

The Lord is gracious and full of compassion, slow to anger and abounding in mercy and loving-kindness. --Psalm 145.8

Compassion is very personal. I think that the better you know someone, the more significant are the effects of the compassion you show. It is also more difficult, for some reason, than showing compassion toward a general mass of people. This may be due to the fact that we have certain expectations of the individuals we know and when they fail to meet them we are disappointed. How many times have we said, "Well, I can't feel too sorry for her. She basically brought this on herself by doing something so stupid." or, "Well, look at the way he lives? Of course that happened to him." or "There must be something she did in the past to cause this current situation to happen." See, we know their circumstances. That is also the reaction that migraneurs tend to receive from our health care professionals. That is why we are accused of being drug-seekers, attention grabbers, or the old standby, "It's all in your head." (Der.)

But, how do we develop Compassion? First, we have to curb our tempers. Oh, such a tough thing to do when you're not feeling well! I've spoken before about the righteous anger and that's not what I'm talking about now. Right now, I'm talking about annoyance and pettiness. I'm talking mainly about curbing the tongue so that we don't negatively affect the individuals around us, by being angry with them. It's especially difficult when you're on medication that has this as a side effect. When you have irritability as a side effect of your medication on top of the irritability you have from the pain, it's nearly impossible to do. It takes strenuous effort.

Next, we have to take action to show compassion toward our loved ones. But, what if you're the one that needs the compassion. In actuality, we have the more difficult job to show compassion. One way that we can do this is to realize how hard it is for them to see us, day after day, in constant, unending pain, without the possibility that that pain will ever be eased, knowing that there is nothing that they can do to take it away. As it does we, it tests their patience, their faith, their hope, and they develop the same frustrations that we do. When they show compassion for us, reaching deep inside themselves to find the energy and make the effort, however ineffective that may be, we have to show them that just the effort means the world to us, acknowledging that we could not endure the chronic illness without their love and steadfastness.

One of the most significant ways that we can show true compassion is through praying for the suffering of others, because what we can't do, God can. I forget that sometimes and when I do it, it doesn't always feel effective. But, I have to remember that that is because it isn't effective because I prayed. Rather, it is effective because God heard it and He does the work.

Compassion is the keen awareness of the interdependence of all things. --Thomas Merton

Compassion is the sister of Love, and Grace is it's cousin. As such it is not passive, just a feeling that you can send in a greeting card. It is an activity that we try to cultivate on a daily basis. We must forgive ourselves and others when we falter in this practice, realizing that that is why it is called a "practice". However, making the effort to cultivate it, as we would make an effort to cultivate a garden, will result in the blossoms of kind-heartedness, spiritual maturity, self-sacrifice, (not martyrdom), and gracious mercy.

The whole purpose of religion is to facilitate love and compassion, patience, tolerance, humility, forgiveness. --H.H. the Dalai Lama

The Untouchables

2005-08-14T12:09:00.000-07:00

As migraneurs, we don't get the kind of treatment that we need. It's probably one of the biggest, unnecessary travesties that we have to deal with. The lack of education in the medical profession regarding this subject is also very frustrating.

It's a real problem when you have an "invisible" disease. However, I always try to keep in the back of my mind that if I had cancer pain, they would prescribe morphine and demoral and whatever they could to ease the pain, whether or not it was addictive. I just lost track of that this past week, because my discussion with my doctor shook me up so much.

It's only because our disease is invisible, that we are taken less seriously than patients with, say, M.S. Cancer, Parkinsons, A.L.S. or Diabetes. It's because we "can't die" from it. Well, to me, that's the horrible part of this disease. We don't go into remission, the treatment is negligible, and the great majority of us don't have the option, or the mercy, of dying from it. That's the tormenting part about it. It's like we live in a perpetual state of limbo, either receiving limited care and negligible relief or not receiving any care or compassion at all. We are the untouchables in our supposedly classless society.

This must change. Somehow, our society must become enlightened to the plight of chronic pain patients. How will this happen if not through the portals of higher education? The schools have to start teaching and training their medical students on how to treat chronic pain patients, emotionally and physically. They have to open their minds to the strong fact that there are diseases of unknown etimology and without the pathology that our current technology can detect. There are genetic disorders and diseases that are invisible, undetectable, yet can be treated if the doctor would just be open to learning about them. When that happens, then we will begin to see doctors come up with new ways of treating migraneur patients, new inventions, new drugs (and hopefully many that are not addictive). They could be an instrument of changing people's lives, instead of instruments of judgement, harrassment and the causes of more pain than the patient is already in. Therefore, humility is another of the keys to compassion.

I'm Being a Wuss

2005-08-13T14:58:00.000-07:00

You know what? I've decided that I'm just being a complete wuss! It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about me. If I can't get the help I need from the caregivers that I have now, I'll just have to find new ones. This is complete bullshit and I'm not in the mood to just lie down and take it in the ass! I'm sick of not getting the help I need.

I know I'm not the easiest patient in the world, because I have so many allergies to drugs and I have other health problems that complicate what I can take from the list of migraine medications. But, I certainly haven't tried all of the ones that could be possible and right now, I'm not only under-medicated for the pain, but the meds I have are totally ineffective and completely outdated.

It's time for these people to get with the program and do something to really help me. Maybe this new pain management doctor that I'm going to see in September will help me out. I just wish I didn't have to wait until September to get the help I need. And, the worst part, maybe, is that I have no confidence that he will be able to help me. I've lost all faith whatsoever in the medical profession when it comes to migraines. Maybe going in with no expectations will be good, because when he can't help me, I won't feel so surprised and disappointed.

Can you tell I'm a little pissed off today? It's partly the pain talking, but mostly it's the frustration and accompanying anger pouring out. Well, guess that's what this blog is for.

May I, Please, Have a New Brain?

2005-08-13T12:06:00.000-07:00

My head hurts pretty bad today. Still not taking any meds for it and right now, I really want something to take the pain away. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or not, so if any of my readers have an opinion on it, now's the time to speak up. Thanks. Oh, man, it's just really hurting.

Owie, owie, owie!

2005-08-12T16:49:00.000-07:00

Oh, me bloomin' noggin' is hurtin' so badly! I'm still not going to take any meds for it. I'm testing out a theory, remember? Ack!

Heavy Subject

2005-08-12T12:08:00.000-07:00

Well, I got my trigger shots on Tuesday, which means that I have a small window of time until the pain returns to read. I'm reading All in My Head by Paula Kamen and so far, I love it. It's so reaffirming to know that I'm not the only one who experiences the sexual discrimination in the medical arena, the only one who goes through asking why and what's the point?, the only one who has doctors who are scraping the bottom of the barrel and trying to pull rabbits out of their hats to treat the agony I'm in daily. I'm only on pg. 36 and already, I feel a sense of empowerment and I'm loving this book. I feel less alone in this daily struggle.

One of the things in my life that constantly irritates me, having been a former anorexic in my youth, is the amount of weight I've gained over the past two years. At first, I'd gained weight from taking a drug that was supposed to be a preventive, Neurontin *shudders*. As soon as I discontinued the drug, I lost the ten pounds that I'd gained. But, now, I've gained 30 pounds over the past year and it drives me nuts! I am 30 pounds over my ideal weight and it bugs the hell out of me.

Ms. Kamen talks about all the weight she gained from the various drugs they had her on for her migraines. All of a sudden, it dawned on me that I've been taking Lamictal for a year. The exact amount of time that I've gained 30 pounds. I couldn't figure out how I could've gained weight when I'm so nauseous that I eat like a bird. This drug, I believe, has changed my set point and by not being able to workout an hour a day like I used to, the weight has just piled on!

Believe it or not, as crazy as this may sound to some, I would rather be in pain than gain weight. Now, I wouldn't want to be at a pain level of 8 or above, but I would lay on the couch squirming with pain, if it meant that the only alternative was taking drugs that made me gain weight. I'm going to call my doc next week and make another appointment with her to discuss my options. I know it would take awhile to get off the Lamictal, which does little more than ease my anxiety and makes me lethargic to boot, but I'm willing to do it. It's just not worth it to me. I'm sure there is another med out there that can ease anxiety and help me sleep without making me gain weight. I'm discontinuing my use of promethazine, too, as I've noticed that even though it gets rid of my nausea, it also makes me hungry.

Besides, if I'm addicted to drugs and that's the reason I have migraines (according to her), then it stands to reason that if I discontinue my meds, the migraines would go away. Let's really test out this doctor's theory, shall we?

Trigger Shots--again

2005-08-08T12:52:00.000-07:00

I'm going in for another set of trigger shots tomorrow. For those who don't know what that is, I'll try to describe it, even though I don't know the name of one of the medications that they inject. I'll ask again tomorrow.

What they do is get this long needle, pretty big in diameter as needles go, and the fill the syringe with lidocaine and marcaine. The lidocaine is a local anesthetic and the marcaine is an anesthetic that lasts for a long time.

My migraines start in my occipital lobes, which get really swollen with fluid and irritate the nearby nerves, which are located at the base of the skill, right at the apex of your neck and your head. So, they insert the needle into the head, next to the occipital lobe. It hurts like hell, especially if your doc hasn't been doing it for a long time, like mine hasn't.

It burns while they squirt in the medicine, but then it gets numb back there. For three days afterward, I'm usually on my back, laying on ice-packs to fight the soreness. The first day is the worst, because the aching keeps me up all night long. After that, though, things get alot better. I usually have a day without any pain at all. Then the pain returns, but it's at a much lower degree than usual. The pl usually is at a 5 or less. And if it gets any higher than a 5, I take Fioricet and the migraine typically goes away within about half an hour to an hour. Right now, it lasts about 2 weeks, before I have to have it done again. When I saw my migraine pain management doctor in Texas, the pain left for a month and if I had any pain, I could just take 800 mg of Ibuprofen and it would go away. Anyway, that's what I'm going to have done tomorrow and none too soon, if you asked me.

Update on Hubby

2005-08-07T11:11:00.000-07:00

Last night, after reading the literature on the difference between addiction and dependence, my husband claimed that he didn't remember saying that I am addicted and that he didn't think he'd ever said that. He did, but I decided to accept that as an apology. It's the closest he'd ever get to one anyway, because in all the times I've known him, I've heard him apologize, like saying "I'm sorry for (whatever)", only a handful of times. Anyway, I'm cooled off now and the main thing that I wanted was for him to get educated before we see this new specialist, and that's what is happening. I just don't want to have to advocate with the doctor and not be able to trust that my hubby will back me up 100%. That's too much! So, as long as he reads the information I printed out for him, I'll know that he does love me and I'll be able to trust him again. It's all good.

Taming the Tongue

2005-08-07T01:35:00.000-07:00

"It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul."
This stanza was written by a famous author, sometime in the mid to late 1800's. His name was William Ernest Henley.

The word "strait" means narrow, difficult, rigorous and confining. It's not the same as "straight", which means free from curves.They are two completely different words.

Having said that, if you spend time studying and thinking about this verse you will learn some very interesting things.

First, life is a difficult and strenuous passage ("strait"), fraught with peril and all manner of evils. Life is not easy, full of pitfalls, distractions, pain, pride, etc. But, there are openings through the barriers, that we find ourselves up against, only it is up to us to find those doors, or "gates" and figure out how to go through them. However filled, even to capacity, with suffering, pain and loss ("punishments" {not necessarily a retribution for wrong doing, as in the belief in reincarnation and Karma}), we are told that we will be, by some message delivered by someone else attempting to write our script (the scroll), or by our own actions, I have the control over my outcome. And, most importantly, I have control over my personality and emotions. This verse is not talking about the physical or temporal plane.

For instance, take the parent who tells their child, throughout his upbringing, that he'll be a loser, won't amount to anything and will always be good for nothing. The child believes and accepts it as fact, until he becomes of an accountable age where he sees that the way he turns out and the way he views life is wholly up to him. We all go through the same process. We can either believe what others say about us, "You're lazy and want to get out of work", "You're a drug addict and will be that way forever", "You just want attention." Or we can believe the truth that we know about ourselves and walk confidently in that knowledge.

We don't have a choice in the range of difficulty of the path we are on. What we do have control over is how we are going to handle those situations and how we will conduct ourselves. Therefore, if this verse is true, then it stands to reason that whatever another human being tells you about yourself, or your future, is flawed and most of the time completely invalid. We can make it valid by choosing to believe the hogwash. We all know ourselves and our bodies, though some of us are more in tune to our basic natures than others. When you know exactly the kind of man/woman that you are and the truth about yourself, then, and only then, will you be confident to be your own master and the captain in charge of your personality and emotions, your soul.

There is a verse in The Holy Bible, King James Version, (James 3.2),that has this to say about talking,(paraphrased): if a man can tame his tongue so that it doesn't offend in any way, then that man can control/guide/tame his whole body.

It's an important concept and when you think of it is just a fancier way of another of our sayings, "The less said, the better."

This is probably the MOST difficult practice in our lifetime! Benjamin Franklin used to keep a "Virtues" diary with him at all times, in which he listed all of the virtues. One of those virtues was speech. He would ask himself each day, is what I said important, does it have merit, did it hurt anyone, did it edify anyone? He would check off his list and score himself daily and weekly to find out what areas he lacks character in. It's so amazing to me that he took the time to do this. Now, that's a man truly motivated to be a better person!

It is quite difficult to hold your tongue when really you want to lash out at someone. It is difficult to keep from saying everything that pops into your mind. But, if you begin to practice this type of deep meditation study, you will really listen to what you are saying and about 90% of it is unnecessary or mean or petty, just babble to hear ourselves talk, or just simply uninteresting.

Taming my speech is one of the reasons that I prefer to write than to chatter. When you write, everything you write is filtered through your mind. You can go back and delete or change words until you are putting across exactly what you mean. When you're speaking you can't take back your words. Once they're out, they're really out! But, when you write, there is a purpose to what you write, giving it it's significance.

Ouch!

2005-08-06T18:13:00.000-07:00

My head is killin' me today and it's getting worse. The meds, of course, aren't working. Guh! I thought about going to the hospital earlier, but I was just there two weeks ago and I don't have the energy to advocate for myself today, if they give me any guff about it. I'm between a rock and a hardplace today. Damn, I hate these kinds of days.

Dependency vs. Addiction

2005-08-05T17:30:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd post this, because it explains the difference between chemical dependency and chemical addiction. It's an excellent explanation and I think it will bring peace to more people. When you have the truth in you about yourself, the truth will always liberate you. It gives you the impetus to be yourself, to advocate for yourself and gives you the stability of a rock in your convictions.

"The difference between addiction and dependency is really quite simple. A drug-dependent person has improved function with their use of the drug while the drug-addicted person does not.

An addict uses a drug compulsively, despite the fact that it causes harm — the key component of addiction. Most smokers know cigarettes are damaging to their health. Most want to quit, but can’t overcome the cravings to the drug (nicotine).

Dependence is a physical state that occurs when the lack of a drug causes the body to have a reaction. A good example is a heavy coffee drinker. If one is used to drinking several cups of coffee each day, they soon learn about physical dependence when they suddenly miss a day or two. This does not mean they are addicted to the caffeine; it only means the body is surprised not to see what it has come to expect.

As any diabetic will testify about insulin, or any heart patient will testify about blood pressure medication, dependence is not necessarily indicative of addiction. In fact, regular use of these medications is essential for good health. Addiction and physical dependence often can occur together. But you can have addiction without physical dependence, and physical dependence without addiction."

Here is the link: http://www.gdcada.org/ask/askA.htm

I will never again allow anyone to tell me I'm a drug addict. No one will ever get away with that without hearing quite a bit about it from me. If I have to let loose my anger on someone for opening their fool mouths, then so be it. I can't help what people think, but I can control how people treat me and I should be treated with the same respect and dignity as anyone else.

Would someone tell a diabetic that they're a drug addict because they have to shoot up with insulin four times a day? Would they say that to a cancer patient who has to have a morphine IV or has to get those injections several times a day to ease their pain? I've never heard of anyone ragging on those patients for having to take powerful medications. So, I don't have to put up with it either. Migraine is a real disease and it's been proven scientifically that there are three specific genes that affect migraines. That should be good enough for anyone to change how they behave toward migraneurs. Here's the link for that information, too: http://www.migraines.org/myth/mythreal.htm

OH MY GOD!!!

2005-08-04T13:31:00.000-07:00

I just can't believe I'm hearing this from my own husband! He's been going through all of this shit with me for two damn years and now I'm hearing this! It's unbelievable. The other night he said he thought that my body just wanted drugs. He doesn't think I'm doing it on purpose, but that it's a subconscious thing because of everything I've been through in my life. He thinks the major reason why I have the migraines is because of all the abuse I had when I was younger and because I have PTSS (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome/Disorder, whatever). I said that I've had that my whole life and I never had migraines before my accident! What the hell? Then he told me that alot of health problems could just be overcome mentally by "talking to the migraines" or "positive thinking". I just couldn't believe that I was hearing this from him.

I'm so furious, I'm thinking about moving out for awhile. I just can't believe I'm hearing this from him. So, I talked to him about how that made me feel when he said that. I mean, it's NOT something that I can control and by saying that I could overcome it if I wanted to is ridiculous. It's not right. But, stubbornly, he stuck to what he said.

I am so hurt right now. He will never understand completely the damage this has caused to our relationship. If there was one person that I needed in my corner, it's my husband. Why is he doing this now?

Then he said that it's obvious that my body wants narcotics all the time, because we've tried most of the migraine meds, that I can take, on the market and none of the ones I've tried have worked. Well, excuse me, but I have other health problems that keep me from being able to try every single one of the migraine meds.

Then he gives me the card of this woman he met who said that she used to have migraines everyday until she went to some conference and learned to talk to her migraines and they immediately went away. What a crock of bull shit! I am so furious with him right now. And, I think I've fallen out of being in-love with him, because of this. I love him and care about what happens to him, but this was it. I've absolutely had it. I would leave right now, if I could, but he is a good dad to my daughter, so that's basically out of the question. I might go stay at my mom's for a week though. I need some space from him. I never thought I'd hear these words come from his mouth.

Oh, The Things You'll Hear

2005-08-02T00:06:00.000-07:00

Thought I'd post some of the worst comments migraneurs have heard about their disease. The pathetic thing is that the very worst ones are made by Doctors and their staff. I got this information from people who responded to the question, "What are the worst comments you've received about your disease?". It was asked specifically of migraneurs. I'm not mentioning their names, because I don't think that's nice, but they're real people from a migraine forum that I regularly go to online. Here ya go:

I am a "drug-addicted skank" who is too lazy to work full time.

Oh, my, we know so much now about treatment, migraines are just not a real problem any more! (From a neurologist)

It won't kill you. Go home. (From the ER)

Crying will only make it worse. Now, get out of this room; I need it for a real patient. (After Doctor sent patient to ER)

We have treatments for that now" (Doc/Neurologist, can't remember which)

"Go home and sleep. Sleep is the only way to get rid of a migraine." -(PA at ER)

"Your migraines are inconvenient for others." (Professor)

"Oh well, you have to suck it up " (Family Doc)

"You can't let migraines rule your life" ( a friend)

"Haven't they found out what's wrong with you yet?" ( a friend)

"Are you sure her problems aren't just mental?" ( a friend to another friend about the migraneur)

I am a "stressed out moody worry-wart who doesn't know how to relax" ( a doctor)

“A lot of women have headaches.” (doctor)

"You're just a drug addict, no better than a heroin addict, you know that don't you?" ( a brother)

I was some kind of "delicate flower" ( a nurse)

I only get migraines "when things don't go my way" ( a husband)

"You are faking the migraines so you can take drugs." (a boyfriend)

"The migraines are only going to get worse, so get used to them." ( a doctor)

"You know, you can't be coming in here all the time to get shots" (note: this migraneur had not had a demerol shot in over 2 years, and she was vomitting in a pink basin when the doctor said this to her)

"You know, there are patients here that are really sick… You just have a headache" (a nurse)

"DO YOU NEED AN ASPIRINE?" ( a doctor, ER)

"well, if there's nothing showing up in your bloodwork it must be psychosomatic. Alot of women have psychosomatic problems you know." (a nurse, ER)

"It was all in my head. Take some Tylenol" (ER doctor)

One doc told me to run around the block when I have a miagraine. (This is the worst. I've heard something similar myself when a doctor recommended that I work out as soon as I felt like I was getting a migraine. I took his suggestion the next time and I ended up in the hospital.)

"You're lazy. You're just trying to get out of going to work." ( a bf she was supporting financially 100%)

Here's a couple of mine, though I've heard others:

"Oh, you're just a drug addict. No one is in that kind of pain from a migraine." (ER doctor)

"Just go home and sleep it off." (Doctor)

"I need you to get out of this room. We need it for someone who's really sick." (ER doctor)

Ok, and here's one of my favorites, only I have to tell you that my GI doctor told me this when I was suffering from my gall bladder shutting down. He wouldn't believe me about how much pain I was in and where the pain was at, and here's what he told me, "You're just depressed and need to see a psychologist to talk about it." Then he handed me his wife's card and guess what? She was the psychologist he thought I should see. Big surprise, huh? I hate hearing that, though. "You're depressed and need to see someone." Well, duh, I'm depressed. I just lost 80 lbs and can't eat anything but broth. You'd be depressed too, Asshole.

Now, if someone went into the hospital with say, chest pains, do you think he'd hear, "go home and sleep it off" or "suck it up and get used to it"? If a doctor told his patient with brain cancer that she was just a drug addict, that guy would get shot! So, why is it that we have to put up with this from our doctors? It just blows my mind. I mean, you wouldn't even hear these kinds of insults if you were just plain nuts. There are no blood tests for craziness, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I've yet to hear of a doctor telling his crazy patient that they need to get out of here so I can use your bed for someone who's really sick; or that they're just lazy and don't want to work, so that's why they're nuts. It doesn't make any sense and really needs to be changed.

Doing A Li'l Better

2005-07-28T10:17:00.000-07:00

Well, like the title says, I'm doing better. I think the trigger shots helped. My head still hurts, but the pain level is staying around 4 and 5. That's bearable. By "bearable" I mean that if I have to keep from taking the Fioricet, I can deal with the pain.

You know what's scary? I recently started disassociating from the pain when it gets to a 9 or 10. What I mean by that is that I have an out-of-body experience, so it's like I'm looking down at my body going through all the pain. Last time, I had to keep bringing myself back and it was really hard to do, because all I wanted was to be out of pain.

A long time ago, when I was raped in College, I did the same thing. I know it's just a way that the brain tries to protect you from the pain of what's happening to you, but it's not healthy and not good for you. It really isn't.

I kept telling myself to stay in the here and now. It became a sort of meditative chant. "Stay present, stay present, stay present". Do you know how hard that is to do when you're in so much pain? I just wanted to be out of pain, that's all. I wanted to be out of my body. I wanted to leave the pain behind and go into another place.

I did it, though. I stayed present. I've blogged about the important of Presence before, but I haven't blogged about staying present. There's a difference.Maybe that'll be my next entry. It's a deep belief of mine and encompasses alot of the other things I've talked about before like Presence, not thinking Wishfully, having Hope, dealing with Reality. Especially dealing with reality. I'm a practical person and and want to always deal with reality rather than going into denial or living in a fantasy land. But, when you're in extreme pain, it's really not an easy thing to do.

I wonder if other migraneurs have had this same experience or not? If you're a migraneur, please leave a comment and let me know. And if you have had that experience, how did you deal with it?

Oh, So Fun!

2005-07-26T15:14:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I haven't been posting very much lately, but I've just been having a real blast! NOT!!! I'm going through a cluster-headache cycle. You know what those are like? Well, I'm going to give you a short education on it. Imagine a migraine with a pain level of 9 or 10 and multiply it by 50 and you'll have an inkling of the kind of pain you're in with a cluster headache. And, I get them on top of my migraines, so they end up lasting for a long time. Lucky, lucky me. I had to go in for narcotic shots four times last week. My last one was on Sunday and it's starting to wear off. I saw my doc yesterday and she said that I've had enough narcotics this past week to knock out a cow! Ya just gotta laugh! It's so surreal that this is going on. Grrr! I got three trigger shots yesterday, so that, hopefully, will decrease the migraines and I'll mainly just have to contend with the clusters--I hope, I hope. Ok, so that's about all I can write for now. It's back to the couch and icing the noggin.

I'm Just a Woman

2005-07-22T16:52:00.000-07:00

I might blog twice today, but I just wanted to say this: I'm only human, I'm just a woman, as the song goes.

You've probably noticed that I swear sometimes. I've only started swearing in the past couple of years and I'll tell you why in a second. I grew up a "good" Christian and as such swearing was like a mortal sin. Well, a couple of years ago I was seeing a really good shrink and she told me that I should start swearing. lol I was totally schocked when she said that, but her reasons were very practical. It has it's place and it's purpose. See, when you swear, you just let out a burst of anger and it just leaves you. It's like giving it back and that way you don't keep all that anger bottled up inside of you. I had, and have alot of anger in me, because of shitty stuff (see?) that happened to me while I was growing up. I always bottled it up inside and it resulted in eating disorders, ulcers,etc. And really, I think I was just faking my way through life with a plastic smile plastered on my face. Being Christian and being "nice" are not the same thing. So, please don't misunderstand when I swear and then am also talking about God and scriptures. The one has nothing to do with the other in my mind. I'm just being me. The genuine, honest-to-goodness, flawed person that I am and nothing more than that. I'm not a saint and don't purport to be one. I'm not an important person. I'm just a woman and, hopefully, when you see me, you can see yourself, too, as a real person with real feelings and real problems and real flaws and real virtues.

Job's Lament

2005-07-18T04:51:00.000-07:00

Job 7.11, 13-15, "11 I cannot keep from speaking. I must express my anguish. I must complain in my bitterness. 13 If I think, `My bed will comfort me, and I will try to forget my misery with sleep,' 14 you shatter me with dreams. You terrify me with visions. 15 I would rather die of strangulation than go on and on like this.

I am really relating to Job in this passage, these days. I should probably do a quick recap on Job's experience, before I go further. Job was a very successful man who had several children and was involved in not only big business, but also a political leader of the time, sort of like an elder statesman, from what I can gather. He tried to lead the best kind of life he could and to be the best kind of man, husband, dad, religious Jew, that he could be. And he was. He had alot of friends, too.

Then, tragedy struck. There was a day when all of his kids gathered together to party (I like to think it was someone's birthday party, but you know young people, they don't really need a reason to have a bash), at one of the kids' home. There happened to be a severe tornado that completely demolished the house and in one day, all of Job's kids died. If that's not bad enough, it gets much worse.

Soon after this tragic incident, Job's business took an enormous hit. Since we're not really in the livestock business today, it's easier to explain it in terms of a corporation. This would be like Donald Trump finding out that all of his accountants embezzled most of his money on the same day that both the stock market crashed and all of his properties were destroyed. So, in a short time span, Job became impoverished and grief-stricken. The only thing he had left in the world were his friends and his wife. When his friends saw what had happened to him, they left for various reasons, the main one being that he must be some kind of sinner (translate that into Loser), so he's getting his just desserts. Only four or five friends remained loyal to them and all of them, but one, had their doubts about Job, too, but they did stick around, so kudos.

Of course, this is a ton of stress and we all know what stress does to the body...yep, you got it, it causes health problems and boy, did Job get sick! This poor guy had boils on every inch of his body. He even had ulcers in his mouth, on his tongue (bet he lost a ton of weight). He was in constant pain and there was no remedy for it. I am certain that having the added burden of grieving over your dead children and losing every worldly possession just compounded his pain and dire, utter despair.

Everyone, of course, had advice for Job. His friends told him he should repent of his sins and God would just restore everything to him. His wife said, why don't you just curse God and die! Just give up, Job! She gets a bad wrap, I think. Anyone who lives with a spouse who's in chronic pain has had this thought cross their minds at the darkest moments, whether or not they'll admit it. I think she just wanted him to be out of pain and torment. It's exhausting to watch the person you love the very most in the world, writhing in pain all the time.

Some people condemn Job for his laments. They're self-righteous nobodies who haven't experienced real, devastating, all-encompassing pain in their lives. Because, if they did, they would, as I do, concede to Job's emotional state. I think he was doing his best to handle the situation in a healthy way. Hell, yeah, you should complain. Moan, complain, bitch, be annoyed, let out the frustration and get mad. Don't keep it inside, man, because that's just going to make the pain and sickness worse. Get it all out there and lay those cards on the table face-up.

I was saying that I can relate to that. I'm taking alot of comfort in these scriptures as bizarre as that may seem. I too am complaining and I'm going to keep complaining until two things happen: A) I get effective treatment to manage my pain; and 2) I affect people and the medical community in such a way as to change their attitudes toward people in chronic pain and especially toward migraneurs.

I, too, can't sleep, because I'm in so much pain. And when I do manage to catch a few zz's, I have nightmares about my head getting pounded on the rocks or on pavement, and corkscrews being driven through my eyes and into my brain. Dreams of blood gushing from my painfull eyes. Dreams of a vice squishing my head until it pops like a pimple and brain matter and blood squirt everywhere. Horrible, horrible nightmares. You try to sleep and it's near impossible when you're in pain.

And, I'm so glad that I'm not the only one who's said that I wish I could've died, rather than go through this. Death would be a blessed relief, compared to living in this daily torture. It's quick and it's permanent. But, notice, that neither Job, nor I, have said that we want to off ourselves. There's a difference. It's just that it's really exhausting and frustrating to have to "go on and on like this", day after long day.

It's also a comfort, and should be for anyone else out there who's wondering what they did to deserve this, that Job, who was considered to be the most righteous guy on the planet, still got a rotten deal. I don't mean that in a mean way. It's just that it's good to know that I'm not getting a raw shake, because of something bad that I've done in the past (though, I can say, I'm no saint, like Job was). It's just that stuff happens. We're not promised a prim-rose path and sunshine every day. As a matter of fact, our ONLY inalienable rights in our constitution, (and I truly believe that they should be universal rights for every person), is the right to live, to be free and to pursuit happiness. That's the bottom line, baby.

So, when life hands you lemons, my advice is to throw them back--hard!--and ask for some cherries.

Sleep It Off

2005-07-16T13:35:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about the advice I was given yesterday at the doctor's office for my mig. He said, and I quote, "Just go home and sleep it off." What the hell did he think I had, a hangover? See? This is the major problem we have as migraneurs in getting the treatment, the proper treatment, that we need. Just sleep it off. What the hell is that supposed to mean? How do you sleep when you're in excruciating pain? I wish he'd get a migraine--a big one, one that kept him from sleeping for three nights in a row, one that keeps him from responding to a puny amount of medication. Well, what goes around, eventually comes around, I hope. Stupid Fucker! Now, I have to go to the hospital today. My pain level is fluctuating between 7 and 8. I just had to blog about this, because I'm so pissed off about it that it might be making my head worse, so I have to get it out of my system. What an ignorant asshole!

Lame-O Doctors!

2005-07-15T15:35:00.000-07:00

I told you the last blog that I was going in for shots. Well, I did and you know what? They gave me half of the dosage on my usual treatment. By midnight, I was back in a bad state of migraine pain. So, I went through two days with the pain levels fluctuating between 6-8. So, today, I went back in to get another treatment. I didn't know that last time they gave me the wrong doses. I thought that my mig had just been so bad that the meds weren't helping very much. Well, the same thing happened this morning, except that I figured it out before I left the office. I told the nurse that I didn't feel improved and how much of the dilauded did they give me? She said half of what I normally get, because that's what they gave me a few days ago when I went in. I said, well, no wonder I'm back in here already, you're giving me the wrong dose. So, she talked to the doctor (mine was out sick, so I had to see her partner) and he wasn't willing to give me anymore medicine. I couldn't believe it! So, all day now, I've been sitting here in total pain. I called a doctor on call and he told me that I could take some fioricet on top of the dilauded I got. He was surprised and said that he couldn't believe that they gave me such a small dose! So, most likely, I'm going to end up in the hospital this weekend. Grrr! Why can't these doctors get their asses in gear and their act's together? Why is there no compassion in the medical field? I just don't get this at all and I'm really pissed off, because I've been royally screwed twice this week! Just another thing to add to the list of frustrations.

Goin' To the Chapel--Well, Not Really

2005-07-12T11:33:00.000-07:00

You know that song: "Goin' to the Chapel"? Well, here's my version:

"Because I'm goin' to the doctors
and I'm gonna get narcotics
Goin' to the doctors, and I'm
Gonna get knocked out
Gee, I really hate those shots
But I really need them
So I'm goin' to the doctor's today

Bells do ring and the lights are too bright
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm in it's grips and it's grip is tight
It seems like it's going on until the end of time
I'm goin' to the doctors today."

I really am. This migraine is out of control and the meds aren't helping. I'm so tired. I've been going to sleep at 3 am every night, because of the pain and because of my daughter. I'm waking up at 7 am in pain. This sucks, but I have to do it. I need a break from the pain and I need relief. I'm just in real trouble here, so I have to ask for help.

2005-07-11T16:51:00.000-07:00

I was up last night with mig until 3 am. Then I fell asleep for awhile, until I was awakened at 9 am with a bad mig. It's just a never ending cycle at this point and I really need some kind of an intervention. Wonder if a labotomy would help?

On the upside, our private insurance FINALLY kicked in today. Hoorah! That means that I call my doc yesterday and she's going to set me up with a pain management specialist in Stockton. It'll be a long drive and that'll suck, but if he can help me out at all or at least have something new that I can try, it would be worth it.

I almost went to the ER earlier today, but no one was around to take me. Ugh! I do have dilauded here (about 10 pills), but I'm not sure it would work without the tordal. If worse came to worse though, and I didn't have anyone around to drive me to the ER for shots, I'd take it. Plus, my daughter's home for summer vaca and she's having really bad asthma right now. I just can't be unconscious while she's awake--or when she's asleep. Last night she started throwing up because the attack was so bad. We had to do a breathing treatment. It's really hard to sleep when you think your baby's going to choke to death or stop breathing in the middle of the night. Poor kid. My head's a little better right now, probably because I've been swallowing fioricet like it's going out of style today, so I'm feeling pain, but I don't care about it. I'm too stoned to care. lol

That's it for today. My head's just hurting too bad to write anymore.

Are You Bored Yet?

2005-07-10T23:09:00.000-07:00

Are you as bored as I am hearing me say that my head hurts? God! I'm so sick of this. It's just so old and no end in sight. I've got to figure out how I'm going to handle this for the rest of my life? I wish I were in denial or something, then I could just ignore it.

Anyway, my head hurt really bad again today. I was tempted to take the dilauded and just knock myself out today. I haven't taken it yet. So, I didn't do it today either. I'll save it for when my migs are at a 9. Anyway, I just took fioricet all day long, which really bothers me, because looking at my diary, I've taken that for the past three days in a row. I'm not supposed to do that. I'm supposed to take it only 3 days a week prn. And you know what? The stuff sucks anyway. It takes at least 2 hours to start working on me and when it does, it doesn't take the pain away, it just keeps it from going up and getting worse, so I'm still in alot of pain.

Am I boring you yet, cuz I sure as hell am boring myself!?!

London Blast

2005-07-07T11:22:00.000-07:00

Oh, how horrible! I feel so bad for the Brits. I just can't believe this is happening again to the World Community. It completely disabled their transportation system which, as we know, is the whole point to disable their economy. This is just the worst.

I hope that our peaceful Muslim communities will begin to make their views on this visible in the media now. So far, we haven't seen any clerics or Muslim leaders take a public stance on the terrorism. I wish they would, because I know there is alot of disapproval in the community toward violence. My question is, why don't they say something about it? It would go such a long way toward thwarting the bigotry that has arisen against the Muslim people in our country. I'm not saying that they have to defend themselves, I'm saying that they need to condemn what's going on with the terrorists, so that it could effect change and also change people's attitudes toward Muslims in general. I hope that makes sense.

My other fear is that if this terrorism inside our countries doesn't stop, we will go to a police state and that can lead to other major problems. Fortunately Bush's administration seems to be able to keep that notion off the table, so far. I hope it never comes to that. It probably won't, I'm just being paranoid.

I never talk about political things on this blog, because it's very personal and this isn't the forum for it, but in light of what happened today, I just needed to get that out of my system and make a statement about it. Believe me, I could say alot more on this subject. Let's keep the Brits and their government in our prayers that there would not be any further violence and attacks and that their government would have wisdom and that justice and right will prevail. God will win and the devil will lose.